30 Things I Don’t Have Time For

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1. The “Are You Still Watching?” message from Netflix. Don’t take that tone with me, Netflix. Nothing makes me re-evaluate my bad life choices quite like this judgmental-ass notification.

2. Updating my computer. I’ll come find you when my computer crashes for no reason. I don’t have time to deal with your high maintenance bullshit.

3. Losing things in my own lap. One minute the phone/remote/box of Cheez-Its is in my handm and the next it’s gone. How does this actually happen?

4. Matching socks. There is not enough time in the world for me to navigate through whatever current state my laundry is in. Thanks but no. And on that note…

5. Matching underwear. Putting on a bra and a pair of panties is enough work as it is.

6. Hair ties that break. You have one job, hair tie. And you suck at it.

7. Untying shoes before taking them off. Never have I ever.

8. Using a bath towel only once before washing it. I used it to dry off my clean body, how dirty can it get?

9. Twisty ties on bags of bread. Why is it so necessary to put the twist tie back on the bag? I will forever be that person who twists the end of the bag and pins it against something instead. CLOSE ENOUGH.

10. Autocorrect. What is ducking, exactly?

11. Dry clean only. If I can’t put all my clothes into the washing machine and then dry it on full heat, I don’t want anything to do with it. Dry clean only clothes are the adopted children of my wardrobe.

12. Feeding my dog. I’m kidding. Pipe down.

13. Removing makeup. I know it’s bad for my skin and I’ll probably go blind but WHATEVER. By not removing it, I don’t have to put on makeup every day either, so it’s a win-win.

14. Buying things in stores when I can just order online. Still not sure why I can’t buy all of my groceries this way. Can we make that a thing?

15. Unrealistic password requirements. To all the passwords that require upper and lowercase letters, a number, your mother’s maiden name and one hieroglyphic: BYE.

16. Making an account for an online food delivery. I don’t want to make an account in order to get my Papa Johns. Guest checkout for life.

17. Purifying water. Props to all of you for buying and refilling jugs of water or consistently using a Brita filter. I just can’t. I really can’t.

18. Putting games or DVDs back in their proper cases. It’s a game of hide-and-go-seek without the fun and with all the frustration but I can’t change my ways.

19. Beeping smoke detectors. Is it bad if I throw it across the room?

20. Replacing broken smoke detectors.

21. Differentiating holiday greetings based on religious preference. Happy Whatever The Eff You Celebrate. I do not care.

22. The metric system. Screw the rest of the world and their complicated measurements. USA! USA!

23. Taking down holiday decorations. The rotting pumpkin in my garage gives it character. And a unique smell.

24. Reading hashtags. #No

25. Voicemails.

26. Complex WiFi passwords. One attempt is one too many. Enough is enough.

27. New Year’s resolutions. I don’t have time to plan on doing things next year only to not do them at all.

28. Free shipping. I don’t have to pay extra but my package will arrive in 79 days? Bitch please.

29. Planning my meals. I will never make my food for the whole week and pretend that it tastes good five days later. Pinky promise.

30. Reading your mean comments about this article. GOOD DAY, SIR. TC mark

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