1. Retire your “chill girl” act. When he’s acting like a dumbass, let his dumb ass know.
2. Stop pretending that giving head is like, your FAVORITE thing to do in the whole wide world!
3. Quit fronting like you have a perfect, drama-free life. At this point, he knows your shit/your family’s shit/your friends’ shit hits the fan occasionally. And it’s still all good.
4. For the love of god, STOP frantically putting on makeup whenever he’s coming over.
5. In fact, just stop putting in any real effort to look cute when the two of you are casually hanging. *Cue greeting him at the door with a face mask on and hair rollers in.*
6. Be a bitch when you feel like being a bitch. Bitchiness gives a woman substance.
7. Bring out them granny panties, baby! Some days are simply baggy, full-butt undies days.
8. Stop obsessively covering up your blemishes. He knows what your period pimples look like. And he still wants the booty.
9. Be vocal about your tummy issues. “Babe, I’m gassy. Babe, please move before I fart in ur face. BABE!”
10. I mean… FART. Christ, farting freely is nice.
11. Stop pretending that you like all his friends. Because honestly, you don’t really like any straight guys. Besides him. Sometimes.
12. And DEFINITELY stop acting like you have any interest in watching *the game* with him and his fuckboys.
13. Stop pretending that you love all his music. You don’t only listen “cool” shit, babe. In fact, you listen to A LOT of uncool shit.
14. And DEF stop pretending that you’re always down for a burger. Dat ass doesn’t come courtesy of a cheesy fries diet. You like to eat salads, because you like to keep it tight. Secret’s out.
15. Accept that, sometimes, you have stinky breath. And feet. And vag, tbh. If he’s in it for the long haul, he’s gonna find out that girls can smell rank AF, too.
16. Stop acting like your body hair just… falls out by the grace of god.
17. In fact, go out of your way to let him know when you’re getting a bikini wax. Spare no delicious detail.
18. And if tickles your fancy, go
days weeks months without shaving. It’s cold out there, babe! Just one winter coat simply won’t do. ;)
19. Don’t be shy when you need a favor. When you were first getting to know each other, asking for a ride to the airport would’ve been hella awkward. But now, ur man is simply expected to do all that shit with a smile.
20. Sometimes, you just gotta wear a beige flannel pajama set from 5 p.m. on. Your fashion’s not always on fleek. It beez like that.
21. CALL HIM OUT ON HIS SHIT. You’re too damn old to let any of his assholery fly.
22. Tell him when he’s looking off-point. Or has something in his teeth. Or smells funky. Without reservation, and without feeling awkward about it. You’re doing both of you a favor.
23. Pick your wedgies aggressively and in plain sight.
24. Stop playing coy about what you want for your birthday. He just wants to make you happy, so shake those qualms about offering strong gift “suggestions.”
25. Become your truest “popcorn hoe” self. (According to Urban Dictionary, a “popcorn hoe” is a “female who usually appears average in her daily life then suddenly transforms [similar to popcorn popping or transforming] dressing to impress typically on a Friday or Saturday night getting turnt up.”) POP, boo. POP!