1. I literally died.
2. We’re more overdue for a hangout than the library book I forgot to return ten years ago.
3. I love you so damn much it literally hurts.
4. I drank my body weight in wine.
5. We ate our body weight in guacamole.
6. Can you and your your pea-sized brain just STFU?
7. You’re funnier than Seinfeld in the 90s.
8. I want to be tapeworm skinny.
9. I’ve already told you a million times!
10. It’s arctic out!
11. This humidity is more oppressive than a dictatorship.
12. The apocalypse is definitely here. [In reference to a bad storm.]
13. That news hit me like a tsunami.
14. It’s hotter than balls out there.
15. She’s dumber than a doorknob.
16. I love you times a bazillion.
17. Let’s stay together for infinity.
18. I love you more than forever.
19. If you keep pouting like that a bird’s going to come and shit on your lip.
20. I love you to the moon and back.
21. You better watch it or I’ll knock you into next year.
22. I’m seriously starving!!!
23. My vagina’s desert dry right now.
24. I’m so thirsty I could drink Niagra Falls.
25. I have a bazillion things to do today.
26. I’d rather stab my own eye out than spend another minute with you.
27. I’d climb Mount Everest just to see you for 30 more seconds.
28. I’d rather get Syphilis than hang out with him again.
29. This is more fun than Lindsay Lohan on drugs.
30. I have fifty million hours of homework to do tonight.
31. They were meant for each other than Romeo and Juliet.
32. When they met, there were fireworks in their eyes.
33. I used to walk to school 40 miles uphill—both ways.
34. I love you so hard, my heart’s pounding out of my chest.
35. You are brighter than the shiniest star.
36. I would walk 500 miles just to be with you.
37. I’d travel the multiverse if it meant seeing that smile one more time.
38. If you keep making that face it’ll stick that way.
39. It was polar bear cold out.
40. She’s so dumb, she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company.
41. I’m so hungry I could eat a horse and its sister.
42. He’s toothpick skinny.
43. That car’s driving faster than the speed of light.
44. That runner’s speedier than a cheetah.
45. Her diamond ring cost a fortune.
46. That coat costs more than the GDP of some small countries.
47. She’s more broken than Donald Trump’s administration.
48. He’s older than ancient Rome.
49. He’s chiller than the Buddha.
50. That joke’s so old, there were dinosaurs around the last time someone told it.
51. She eats like a little bird.
52. She cooked enough food for an army.
53. They ran like greased lightning.
54. She’s light as a feather.
55. I’m gonna beat the living day lights outta you.
56. You’re the apple of my eye.
57. We’ve been waiting an eternity.
58. This movie’s darker than the devil himself.
59. I’ll do it the day hell freezes over.
60. Show me a pig that can fly, and I’ll show you a person who doesn’t lie.
61. Way too many moons have passed since I last saw you.
62. I want to get Britney-Spears-circa-2007 crazy tonight.
63. It’s more of a marathon than a sprint.
64. She slept like a rock.
65. He’s weirder than a rainstorm on a sunny day.
66. This movie sucks harder than an industrial vacuum.
67. He’s more of an asshole than Hitler himself.
68. She’s more popular than God.
69. This thing’s heavier than a boulder.
70. I think I’m dying of a broken heart.
71. We make a better team than Bonnie and Clyde.
72. I’m gonna kick the poop outta you.
73. That smells worse than poop.
74. That tastes like crack, it’s so good.
75. I’m actually obsessed.
76. He’s full-on stalking me.