1. It turns out that if you feel like you can’t trust them but you snoop through their messages, you’re the untrustworthy one.

The thing about relationships is that they should be built on truth, or at least mostly truth. We have all had the experience where our boy/girlfriend runs to the bathroom and we want to look at their most recent texts or messages and it takes a whole lot of stamina to not take it there. But the truth is that the only thing that really makes you snoop at their messages is your sense of them being untrustworthy plus your own anxiety. Doesn’t it seem odd that you would the Relationship Trust Compact by snooping on your person to catch them red handed? There’s no back talking your way out of it. You can’t say, “LOL BEB I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW I ENDED UP IN YOUR MESSAGES.” You went in there to find something, something you wouldn’t know if you didn’t already go looking.

2. Actually snooping on your girl or boyfriend means you have your own insecurities that you should probably figure out.

Look, we are all insecure. One of my breasts is larger than the other and I always feel like guys think I look weird. Anyway, sometimes the feeling of wanting to have an answer right now gets fed by insecurities in ourselves. So now not only are you untrustworthy even though you want a relationship built on trust, but you’re also putting your face on your anxieties. Not a cute look!

3. There’s something to be said about respecting someone’s privacy.

When you snoop through someone’s Facebook messages you are almost certainly going to find something you do not like. You’re looking for trouble. A “flirty” poke, a sensual “LOL.” But it’s really easy for things online to get blown out of proportion and taken out of context. If you are having doubts about your partner, you need to confront them about it. Sit down and have a non-confrontational, non-antagonisic conversation with them about your doubts. Tell them, “You’ve been a little absent lately. Is something wrong?” Or ask, “How are we doing?” You know, put something else on the table that’s non-confrontational and raises your concerns while opening dialogue. Communication is always better than spying, unless you’ve already decided to break it off with them, in which case just rip off the band-aid and tell them that you aren’t happy and you should both move on.

4. People should feel free to express themselves however they want to in private — and their own lives.

I have a gay friend who sends me a lot of dick pics, just throwing that out there. But they’re dick picks from guys he’s hooking up with or dating or from other porn blogs. It’s just a thing we do. And you can imagine how it looks if I’m dating a guy and he snoops through my Facebook and sees that I have a couple dick pics in there from a guy he doesn’t even know. First of all, I’ve asked my friend not to send me these pics and he’ll stop for a while but then the urge to do so just HITS him I guess. It’s just a fun thing we do, something that would come off the wrong way but which nobody would know unless they snooped through my stuff.

5. If you snoop you are only going to hurt yourself.

I mean yeah, if your snooping results in a break up then both people are going to end up hurt. But the moment you snoop and find something you don’t like — and you almost certainly will because that’s the only reason we snoop — you will never be able to look at your partner in the same way again. S/he will come hug you and you’ll back away because of something they said under the guise or privacy. We are all allowed to have ideas, feelings, thoughts, and conversations that we don’t share with our partners. It’s called having your own space.

6. Because you’re snooping on them to give yourself even more reason to break up with them, and it will only make things worse.

You’ve already decided the relationship is done and over, so snooping on them just adds coal to the fire of getting out as quickly as possible. Don’t end things this way. Antagonism is not good for any relationship, even one that’s ending.

7. But most of all, snooping on your girl/boyfriend probably means you’re with the wrong person.

Anyone who drives you so crazy that snooping through their messages is the only thing that will satiate your anxiety is probably not right for you. Or you’re not right for them. Or something.