The Most Insane Messages I’ve Ever Received On OkCupid

Part of me felt peer pressured into my decision to open an online dating account and put myself out there. Perhaps it was my initial lack of enthusiasm that set the disastrous/doomsday tone for my overall experience. (I’m not sure if going on about five first dates TOTAL qualifies as an experience, but whatever).

Though it started out as a New Year’s resolution/joke/dare between me and a few of my close girlfriends, my dating profile quickly went from an eye roll-worthy thought bubble to a painfully disappointing reality.

It would be quite a stretch to say I was ever fully “active” during my half-hearted attempt at all of this, but that definitely did NOT stop my inbox from overflowing with alarming, and at times terrifying messages from my digital “suitors.”

And since I’ve opted out of this lackluster attempt at finding lust/love and will never talk to or meet any of these guys ever in life, I’ve decided that oversharing the horror that filled my inbox on a daily basis is not only appropriate, it’s necessary. So with that, I’m publicly purging my inbox and leaving all of these crazy one-way exchanges behind me. (Read at your own risk).

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“How’s your night going so far? Mine includes cookie pie.”

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“I’m guessing you’re Jewish of Eastern European descent? My grandma gave me The Help for my birthday but I have not read it…”

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“Are you slow? This is not a joke.”

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“I know you don’t know me but I’m kind of a big deal;)”

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“I’ve searched for you Beyond the stars, Throughout the years, And so very far Somehow I knew That you were out there, But that’s the thing… I didn’t know where. When I couldn’t find you I just kept crying, But I couldn’t give up… I had to keep trying. she’s out there, I’m thinking. I continued my search For the love I was seeking. From hour to hour, And from place to place, I didn’t give up In this heart-rushing race The days went by, As well as the years It had brought me nothing But painful tears Then all of a sudden, There you stood… Like a beautiful angel Floating in the woods Where have you been? All of my life I long for the moment To call you mine. In love’s embrace We’ll be together. Our love is protected, And will last forever. Fate has lead me to you, The one from above… My search is over, I’ve finally found you, My one true love.”

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“Do you do sweaty yoga ?”

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“I’m competing in an underground pillow fight next week, and my team mate can’t make it because of some chess tournament involving turtles. This is so random and last minute, I know… You in?”

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“I am tall and very mature. Looking to settle down in life.”

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“You seem like a friggin feisty fireball of furious fanaticism.”

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“Do you mind me asking to be friend?”

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“Must I live with dwarves?”

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“Can we become language exchange partner?? teach me English, i will teach you Japanese if you want.”

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“Hey there popsicle.”

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“hi sexy
wut up
well fuck you then.”

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“You should Strongly Consider introducing me to your cats!”

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“Hi, 
I want to talk with you… It’s possible? 
Kiss”

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“Well you look kinda cool, but before I’d let you into my social circle I need to ask you a couple of questions. 1) can you cook? 2) are you rich?”

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“You are my goddess”

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“heyy my sexy girlfriend and myself feel that you would be perfect to step in on a 3some! i feel we all would have a great time together and really hit it off!! so let me know what you think if your interested or not….”

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“For some reason you come across as a girl thats into white guys haha. Am I right lol?”

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“What is it that you see in me? Do I displease you? Am I physically unattractive? I’m just a traveler through the void, as are you. Red rings…stain the counter tops. And overlap just like hearts. Reminding me of ours.”

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“Hey! How do you feel today? Im Jeffrey and I’m interested in you as a person.”

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“There’s an 80 person orgy on the Westside you’re invited to, but the problem is if you come you’ll be the 81st person, so you’ll have to share or you’ll have no partner.”

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“Hey there, you little fruit roll up.” Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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