Thought Catalog

Questions I Have For People In Relationships

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People in Relationships,

It’s funny, because I used to be one of you; all sweaty-palmed and dinner-dated and loved. I was there, where you are, passing holidays at my parents’ house in the bathroom, tapping out Morse code I wishes and I misses to whomever I was sharing a bed and a heart with that year. You can’t type those things to just anyone, did you know that? That’s my first question, by the way. You’re lucky that “I miss you” is part of your vocabulary — the rest of us have to get creative, find alternatives like happy thanksgiving or what was that book you recommended again or even silence, on occasion.

What is it that you miss, exactly, when you miss someone? Is it recounting the dullest moment of your day to a hungry audience or is it your scalp memorizing the fingerprints of digits that are at home floating through your hair or maybe you just miss that smell someone has at dawn when they haven’t had the chance to cover themselves up yet? These are my best guesses, the things I sometimes miss, too. Sometimes I miss just knowing the answers to my questions without having to search for them, ask for them, elucidate what I want to hear and why I want to hear it and what what why. To me, that’s a quiet worth missing.

Are there any silences you dislike? Maybe the one where you know some sort of secret you can’t tell your partner, like if you’d just go home right now I’d love you more or I’m not sure if I still want you or I think your mother is right. What do you think of their mother, father? Is the person you love sexier, smarter, better because of the people who created them, or does the wrinkled skin, the angry mouths, the rings of discontent around their tired eyes frighten you, keep you up at night, stop you from wanting more? What do your nightmares look like and why do you think that is?

And what about your dreams? Do you dream about the future, or about the past, like what is your mind thinking when you give up the reins? Do you dream about a wedding or about equal rights or about cohabitation or about your ex or about your career and how the person you maybe-love is maybe-in-the-way? Do you dream about places you’ve never seen and people you’ve never kissed or does your subconscious look the same as waking life, the same people, the same goals, the same lips? Can you even tell the difference anymore? When you awaken from dreaming, are you alone physically or mentally or both; or do you turn to your side and smell your partner’s dawn-time smell and think this is what it means to be happy?

What does it mean to be happy and can you do it on your own? Are you sure? Have you tried all of the other options or are you afraid to be proven wrong? Are you afraid that someday, you’ll forget the answers to these questions the way that I have? Or is it something you look forward to, an hourglass that’s full until it’s empty and announcing that your time is up and now it’s someone else’s turn? Inquiring minds want to know. TC mark

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Questions I Have For People In Relationships is cataloged in , , , ,
  • T

    ahh shit; you nailed it.

  • Hannah

    This is goooood.

  • http://ubiquitousdaily.wordpress.com UbiquitousDaily

    Reblogged this on Ubiquitous Daily.

  • http://hydeparkblvd.wordpress.com Allison

    Help me what does this mean

  • http://n/a Jeorgia

    at least you got me thinking….5 years too many or not enough? trying to figure it out.

    • Daisy Dee

      I’m pushing six here. And it oddly doesn’t seem to cross my mind when I want it to. It’s like it’s just there and not there at the same time.

  • Michael Koh

    I’ll answer everything, I’ll come clean, I did it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/josh.burns82 Josh Burns

    I was touched as someone who shares in your life-state.

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/07/questions-i-have-for-people-in-relationships/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

    […] Thought Catalog » Love & Sex Add a comment […]

  • http://twitter.com/steveloff steve loff

    i have no answers, only more questions…like, do you have dinner plans tonight?

  • braylann

    I dream about the day that she leaves me, that way I can exit the relationship without guilt and be free of it all. Truth.

    • Tony S

      This doesn’t work. I waited for the same thing and it hurt more than if I had taken control of the situation.

  • http://timetravelingshakespeare.wordpress.com cbarlett

    This was a great entry. I actually responded to it with this post: http://timetravelingshakespeare.wordpress.com/2012/07/06/relationships/

    Mainly because this came at a very interesting time in my life.

  • http://www.elizabethcolville.com Liz Colville

    I love this. “What does it mean to be happy and can you do it on your own?” I ask myself this question MORE now that I’m in a relationship. Who am I when I take everything/everyone else away?

  • yeah!

    ahhhhhhhh , i had this thought about being in relationships it seems as though people are either in them or always looking for one even if its secretly. Why? Why do we need another person to feel whole, it seems as though the other person just distracts you from the idea that you will never feel whole , at least not while trying to fill that emptiness with someone else. I dont know relationships freak me out i dont get it ha.

    • http://twitter.com/dianasalier diana salier (@dianasalier)

      “it seems as though the other person just distracts you from the idea that you will never feel whole ”

      Yes. glad someone else has felt this way too.

  • collinwinn

    I’ve been waiting a while, STEPHANIE GEORGOPULOS, for one of “these” posts. Thank you.

  • Rachel

    This is just so, so good.

  • http://twitter.com/heronkady10 Kady Heron (@heronkady10)

    Very interesting topic! Thank you for this..
    Saving Thousands of People Hundreds of Dollars a month. Join the club today. Just click -> http://www.saversclub.us

  • http://gravatar.com/inulg Laura Galbraith

    Interesting post!

    I think: It’s not about finding another person to feel whole. Maybe it’s just that you’ve stumbled on someone that makes your life a little bit more interesting. (not that it wasn’t interesting before!) I’m sure many have heard this before but relationships are not for people who are looking for a hole to fill, relationships should make your current life even better! Much like owning a pet! Also, I feel there are certain things that people seeking a relationship want to do, things like having someone to help you raise a child, or having someone you can rely on to do things for you when you can’t normally do them. (but again, these are things you could do with a close friend, and who’s to say they can’t be your partner?) It’s only when you become dependent on that person, overuse them, or even when they’re making your life feel even worse, that it isn’t worth it. I felt so much freedom when I was single. Free to meet, sleep, and talk (or not talk) to anyone I wanted. I feel you should have the same feelings when you’re with someone. You should feel just as awesome as you did single as you do with your partner.

    It’s your choice. Sometimes you have a partner or you don’t. You can choose to be happy when you’re single, or waste time feeling sorry for yourself because you’re not with someone.

    And to answer the question about thoughts, daydreaming… I rarely think of my husband. Generally, I’m appreciative of having the isolation being inside my brain, away from everyone… so I often dream of what it would be like to be rolling around in piles of cash! Maybe even daydream of being a karaoke star, or finally getting some recognition for my artwork. Occasionally, I’ll daydream about him, if he’s been away for a few days traveling. But generally, I guess i’m too self-absorbed to really think of anyone else but myself. (I’m not like that at all when I’m awake!! I swear!).

    Anything that you can enjoy / live as a single person you can do the same in a relationship! (a GOOD relationship–). It’s just a different way to experience your life!

  • http://crmnews.org Lucy

    Anthropologically speaking:

    Humans evolved to live with other humans in constant companionship. We lived as hunter-gatherers for tens of thousands of years before we moved into cities. Imagine camping constantly with the same 6-20 people, for your whole life (or until you had to have babies, and then the 6-20 people would change).

    Therefore: you don’t necessarily need to be in a relationship, but you do probably need constant companionship.

    Live with 6-20 people if you can. That is the way humans evolved to survive this world due to things like optimal foraging group size. Something that that don’t matter as much today because of grocery stores. But think about it, grocery stores have been around for what, 200 years? Human evolution has taken thousands of years, and we were hunter gatherers for the majority of that time.

    In a contest between modern social behaviors and homo sapiens survival instincts, guess which side wins?

  • JL

    It’s just the same as, ‘because you are single, doesn’t mean you are lonely; and ‘because you are in a relationship, doesn’t mean you are happy’.

    That happy part, you nailed.

  • Me

    Read this while lying in bed with bf of 7 years. Silently sobbing as I type. I miss him so much I might die. Nothing is like what it once was…

  • AK

    “You’re lucky that “I miss you” is part of your vocabulary — the rest of us have to get creative, find alternatives like happy thanksgiving or what was that book you recommended again or even silence, on occasion.”

    This broke my heart.

  • shortmelon

    F*** this post, I wasn’t read to read it. :'( Thank you

  • Isa

    i wasn’t ready either. i spent all weekend crying because of this post. what does it mean to miss someone? after breaking up with my boyfriend of 3 years, i now know. in the guiltiest way possible. beautifully written.

  • http://wongkaibin.wordpress.com/2012/07/09/connected/ Connected « Wong KaiBin

    […] a spectacular read for me. And i felt that it asked all the questions that i have on my heart.  https://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/questions-i-have-for-people-in-relationships/ “Do you dream about places you’ve never seen and people you’ve never kissed or does your […]

  • N

    You’re lucky that “I miss you” is part of your vocabulary — the rest of us have to get creative, find alternatives like happy thanksgiving or what was that book you recommended again or even silence, on occasion.

    This.
    Beautiful.

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