The Fonz. The Fonz is a monogamous person’s worst nightmare. They make singledom look like an open-bar pony ride chauffeured by Harry Nilsson. There are no broken hearts or unmet expectations in a Fonz’s dalliances — just Instagram photos of melting ice cream cones, leather jackets, and good vibes.
The Asexual. The Asexual lives opposite the person who is perpetually part of a couple. He never uses the word “we” or shows up with an extra body in tow come brunch. This is an act reserved for Fonzies who engage in extended one-night-stands; carelessly inviting their new friend to crash a brunch that called for reservations and thereupon forces the previously accounted for friends to squeeze closer than what’s comfortable so that everyone might fit at the table. The Asexual would never do that. The Asexual lives in a binary world in which there are no ones, and especially no plus ones, making them an ideal guest to invite when planning a budget wedding.
Single Person Who Is Basically In A Relationship. You haven’t seen the Single Person Who Is Basically In A Relationship in weeks because they’re busy holding hands and enjoying intimate dinners with the person they’re sleeping with pretty much every night, but don’t make an ASS out of U & M-E by thinking these behaviors constitute a relationship. Just because the Single Person Who Is Basically In A Relationship can frequently be found at the movies and can remember the last time they had sex and has had their head stroked lovingly in the past 36 hours does not mean they’re off the market. There is a very crucial element missing from the bond you inaccurately label a ‘relationship,’ and if you figure out what that element is, would you be a dear and let the Single Person Who Is Basically In A Relationship know what it is? It’s just that they’re sort of in the dark; kind of not clear on how this isn’t a relationship.
The Workaholic. The Workaholic prefers tenderly entering formulas into Excel to, say, having sex. It’s just like, work’s really important to them, okay? Sure, work doesn’t know how to give a blowjob or cook a Shepherd’s Pie (the Workaholic’s favorite), but sitting in a chair for 90 hours a week is super fulfilling in ways that human interaction can’t match. The Workaholic would try to explain this to you if he weren’t so busy working on important work things that you’re too feeble and human-like to understand.
The Single-For-Three-Seconds Person. This single pers– wait, what’s that? They’re already in another relationship? Well, okay then. Never mind.
The Rebound-Without-A-Cause. This rebounding person is Dating Hard with a Vengeance. They’re harvesting Facebook friends they haven’t talked to in years, reactivating their OkCupid profile, and adopting the “get over someone by getting under someone else” philosophy as their personal mantra. They’re getting under someone else, all right. Anyone else. All the elses!
The PTSD. The end of a relationship, good or bad, has left the PTSD unsure if they want to participate in the Russian roulette that is dating ever again. They’re “not in the right place,” and have “trust issues,” and are probably “incapable of loving anyone else ever again,” and “just want to be left alone right now, okay?”
The “Why Am I Single?” Person. This person can explain electricity, the Pythagorean theorem, and why leap year exists, but the one question to which they have no answer is why they’re single. And they want to know why, goddammit. They will ask you when you’re contemplating putting your dog to sleep, they will ask you when you’ve scraped your knee, they will ask you when you call to tell them you’ve been laid off. “God, isn’t life a bitch? I mean, look at you. Such a good person. I can’t believe you have to get your leg amputated. And me! Single as a seahorse. What gives? The universe is conspiring against us.”
The Forever Alone. The Forever Alone is often confused with the Asexual but unlike the autonomous latter, Forever Alones want companionship. They crave it. They will slay dragons and hide drugs in their anuses and walk geriatric dogs for it. All they need is the chance to prove that their empty Cheetos bags and Reddit karma and expired condoms and dirty fingernails are worthy of an everlasting love. And they are, goddammit. A toilet for every ass!
Well-Adjusted Single Person. The Well-Adjusted Single Person is occasionally in relationships, except when they’re not. They have a hobby or two, as well as a semi-renowned rum cake recipe passed on from their grandmother or Betty Crocker or whoever and a job that most would describe as, “pretty okay.” They sometimes go on dates, which sometimes end well and sometimes do not. Their text message freak out ratio is 1:12. The WASP (LOL) pretty much has it all figured out, except for how to stay in a relationship.