I still remember feeling like I couldn’t live without you. I remember worrying every time you got in your car and anxiously waiting to know that you made it back home safe. I was always bending over backwards and jumping through ridiculous hoops to keep you in my life. It felt like I tried everything to be what you wanted, and it was never enough in the end.
I was so small and fragile. The slightest rejection from you sent me into a downward spiral. I would panic at the thought of not having you there to turn to. No matter how you took advantage of me, I could always manage to paint some pretty excuses for it. When everyone else told me I needed to get away from you, I would be the first to defend you and try to make them see you like I did. You were the only safe place I thought I had, so I was willing to put up with anything to keep that security.
I wanted you to be proud of me. I spent years wishing that you would see me for who I was and actually be happy with it. You never were.
There was always something I was doing wrong. You never let go of my past mistakes and seemed to jump at any chance to throw them back at me. I was never allowed to be anything different than what you envisioned. You’ll never know how frustrating it was to try my hardest to be what you wanted and still fail every time.
I wish you could have felt how devastated I was when you suddenly were not a part of my life anymore.
I remember thinking that my worst fears had finally caught up to me. You were gone and I was never going to be enough for you. Just when I thought that my life was going to take an even sharper turn into chaos, I actually discovered that it was all going to be okay.
I realized that the only interactions we had were negative. Anytime we spoke, you used the time to point out my flaws and remind me of what I was doing wrong in your eyes. Being close to you meant living life under a microscope. You took advantage of my love for you and manipulated me into being something I was not.
What was I really losing?
When you left, the fragile version of me did too. I learned how to stand on my own two feet without you there to catch me. I found peace in knowing that I finally had my own back, and in reality, you never did. I know that when life gets harder, I don’t need to go running back to you. I don’t need to beg you to love and accept me because I finally love and accept myself. I never have to chase after you because I’m better than that now. In fact, I don’t have to chase anyone at all anymore, and that is the one thing I owe you thanks for.
You taught me lessons about life that simply couldn’t have been learned the easy way. I learned a lot about trust by realizing how easily you could lie. I learned a lot about love because I saw how you couldn’t love me. I learned to accept myself because you never did. You always assumed you were setting the example for me, and you were. It just wasn’t in the way you thought.
I hope you know that I’m proud of myself for letting you go and I am a much stronger person today because of it. I know who I am and I know what I want. To my surprise, I never needed you to help me with that. I am able to be the best version of myself because you aren’t here to kick me while I’m down anymore.
Life is peaceful.
And I am doing just fine.
When I was losing you, I held on so tightly and left claw marks all over what I thought was everything to me. I never realized how much of a blessing in disguise it all was until today. I finally know myself, and that is everything to me now.