9 Types Of Girls I Don’t Understand

1. Girls who wait outside clubs in the cold.

What are you doing? Why would you do this? Is there any club, in the history of clubs, that has been worth getting frost bite in a Forever 21 minidress for? (I’ll answer that question for you: No.) If you absolutely must go to a club — and you probably shouldn’t, chances are bars are way better and don’t charge you 10 dollars for the privilege of standing in them — at least go to ones that don’t require you lose a toe while waiting to get judged by the bouncer.

2. Girls who make Facebook statuses about “drama.”

If you’ve ever used the word “drama” in a Facebook status, chances are you are not very fun to hang out with, and maybe have a tattoo of Alkaline Trio lyrics somewhere on your body. There is nothing more awkward than the Facebook status of a woman scorned, especially the ones that are clearly asking for someone to come and comfort her, but which actually say “I really just need to be left alone.” I wish there was a Kickstarter where we could get them an hour with a therapist, because it’s not our jobs to be making them feel better about all the “drama” that “finds them” in life.

3. Girls who use guys for drinks.

This one really pisses me off, because it’s honestly so common, but no one will admit it. There are so many girls who use guys for drinks — or who decide if he’s “creepy” or “charming” based on how he looks — and it’s so unfair. If you’re not into a guy, don’t let him buy you a drink, because going to a bar with the intention of not paying because you know that some loser is going to be desperate enough to pay for your night is just about the meanest thing you can do with your beauty.

4. Girls who can only travel in packs.

Giggling, taking up the entire sidewalk for no reason, screaming one word all together, glaring at anyone who attempts to talk to one member of the group individually: The Girl Group in its natural habitat.

5. Girls who go out wearing clothes that they can’t walk in.

Why do girls wear heels that they can’t actually walk in? Is part of the appeal to clomp around like a horse for the entire night? And should dresses be worn so that you’re either tugging at the hem or pulling up the boob part every five seconds? I understand wanting to look sexy, but part of any bar experience seems to be navigating the sea of girls who have to walk like penguins because they can’t function in their outfits. What is the point of this?

6. Girls who have to bring their Women’s Studies lifestyle into everything.

We get it, you’re informed. You’re feminist. You’re enlightened. You know all about how the world works, and are read up on patriarchy, and have a lot of thoughts about Sheryl Sandberg one way or the other. But a lot of us girls are just trying to live our lives — find meaning, find happiness, pay our bills — and not everything needs to be turned into a feminist debate. It’s not that I don’t love the Women’s Studies majors in my group (you’re great, I swear!), the point is that we shouldn’t be able to tell you were a Women’s Studies major within thirty seconds of talking to you about the weather.

7. Girls who are way, WAY too into rom coms.

We all like How To Lose A Guy. We all like Sex and the City. But the point is that we’re supposed to understand that these are unrealistic, silly, and bad influences. And sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between someone who enjoys them for the ridiculous entertainment they are, and someone who is secretly basing their relationship expectations around them. And as we move closer to 30, that line gets more and more blurred. Are all of your Facebook quotes from Katherine Heigl movies? Why?

8. Girls who can’t be single.

A cousin of the Rom Com Girl is the one who has just never been out of a relationship, and no one really knows why. It’s not like they are ever particularly happy in these relationships, and they usually end by semi-cheating while hopping into a new one. But for some reason, the idea of being single is so terrifying, that being in a couple from the ages of 15 to ??? is the best option possible. Of course, you can never ask them “Why are you always with a guy?” because that would be inappropriate. But seriously, why?

9. Girls who constantly talk about their weight.

I don’t care if you’re skinny or fat, or somewhere in-between like most of us. I don’t care what you look like, I just care that you’re a cool person, and it’s impossible to be a genuinely cool person if you’re constantly obsessing about losing or gaining a pound, or worrying about what eating an Oreo will do to you. We don’t need to hear about body image every ten seconds, because at the end of the day, we’re doing this to each other, and doing it to ourselves. Every time we make something about our weight — or another girl’s — we are making it that much easier for us all to hate ourselves. I tend to check out completely of conversations about weight, and it’s not that hard to do. I never hear men talk about their weight obsessively (or women’s, for that matter), and honestly, I wish we could do the same.