It’s hard not to look at it all like one big mistake, like one big opportunity to have missed out on one big hurt. Like maybe if we hadn’t met, I wouldn’t feel this way right now.
But we did meet.
We met at the right time for me and the wrong time for you. We met at a time when I really needed to grow up; I needed someone to help me do that. And you were that person. I can’t thank you enough for that. And whoever in the future has the absolute pleasure of being my partner will have to thank you too.
I wish this wasn’t where we were. I wish you felt that I could help you through this, that I would be the shining beacon of hope to keep you going through this long and probably difficult journey. But I can’t change your mind. You always made fun of me for being stubborn, but now I’ll turn that mirror back to you.
The truth is, this really could be the best thing for you right now. It could. And I know that. But it could also be a mistake, and one that you won’t realize is a mistake for a while. You might never come to that conclusion; there is no telling the future here. Only guesses. Only my head running in endless circles.
I want you to know that though I’m gone now, I think of you all the time. I hope that this process heals you, makes you feel more whole than you ever have. I hope you can wake up every morning feeling calm, loved, full, and completely yourself.
I’ll miss you in the morning when I’m doing my eyebrows, which is when you said I looked like an alien. I’ll miss you when I inevitably put too much sriracha on my brussel sprouts. I’ll miss you every time I drink coffee, every time I drive on 6th street. I’ll miss the way you smell, the way you held me when I was sad, the way you let me scream into the corners of the room when I was angry.
Our love was something I never expected. I never saw you coming; I never thought I’d be at this place. But I am, and that’s what makes this hurt so deep right now. I feel broken, wounded, and I’ll have to pick that up by myself. I can’t lean on you for that.
I want you to know that I’ll still be a person you can reach out to when you feel that you need it. If you feel that you need it. I’ll always love you, and even though I don’t feel like the way I love you will change, it might. But it won’t change that I love you. Won’t change that I care. Please remember that.
I’ll heal, don’t worry. I’m an unbelievable force of a person. I can barrel through any situation. But I don’t want to do that now. I want to ride this wave, let it crash me into the shoreline, let the hurricane take me for a bit until it eventually calms.
This storm will pass, and I will be bruised from it. But I’ll be alive. And I’ll breathe deeper than ever before.
I’ll wait for the sunrise, nursing my bruises and licking my wounds. Physically, I will do this alone. But you’ll be there, in the back of my head.
The warmth from that sun will wash over me and me alone. In my own space, in my own time, I will feel hope. I will feel freedom.