Leaving you was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I think the hardest part about it is maintaining enough strength to stay away. I write to remember you so I do not let the memories fade and allow my mind to paint a pretty picture of the person I wanted you to be. I write to remember the nights when I wanted to be anywhere else but with you. The nights I ran out of tears to express the hell you put me through and the trauma I wish to forget. Writing helps me love you from a distance. I stay away because I know if I come any closer, I will drown in the deep waters trying to save you. I know that as I gasp for air reaching for your aid, you will take your hand in mine and squeeze it, and with a gentle smile, you will release your grasp and let me fall into the fatal abyss alone.
My love for you is endless. Maybe that’s why I’m broken. Maybe because I don’t heal at all. I looked past the endless nights of the violence and your selfish desires and chose to see the spark of good left in you. But it was a facade. I know that now. You appear warm, like an abundance of light that radiates from within you. A masterpiece. A rose. But it’s a disguise. Those who touch you flee in agony and anguish. They had gotten too close. Too close to ransack the masquerade of deception that you’ve made your profession. You possess menacing thorns to slash the skin. You cut me and left me with a wound lacerated to the bone, a scar that will never heal.
Your heart bleeds venom. Ready to inject any kind-hearted soul headed your way, ready to twist them into the miserable person you look at in your reflection. You didn’t deserve me. You didn’t deserve the love that I gave you, the love you neglected, and so quickly disposed of.
But this time I will save myself because falling back into the vicious cycle of your love leads to nowhere but torment and suffering. I’m no longer going to dream about the day you change, the day you choose to see that I withered away trying to save you, how you let me destroy myself in the process. I’m done pretending that a day will come when you feel remorse for what you put me through, the day when you come to the realization of why I had to go away. I’m going to save myself in this story and not wait to be saved.
I love you, but now it’s time for me to set myself free.