How long are Winnie the Pooh and that other stripey bastard going to ignore the fact there's something seriously wrong with Eeyore
— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) February 24, 2013
Hi, Welcome to Urban Outfitters. What sort of smug look would you like us to give you this evening?
— Hubie Halloween Fan Account (@Maaouad) May 22, 2012
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I'm vegan
— luke [from online] (@internetluke) August 11, 2014
What were Chick Fil-A's other mascot ideas before landing on an illiterate cow begging for his life?
— colonel rob fee (@robfee) October 10, 2014
most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
— Cohen is a ghost (@skullmandible) December 12, 2013
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
— everett byram (@rad_milk) April 16, 2012
Whenever you girls go to the bathroom together, us guys huddle up and smooch before you get back. It's our biggest secret
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) June 21, 2014
If a mugger ever asks me to draw an uppercase cursive Q or he'll shoot, tell my family I died a hero who struggled with basic literacy.
— Eireann Dolan (@EireannDolan) December 12, 2011
I'll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like "Damn, that name's way cooler."
— Marlon Rebrando (@contriteperson) May 1, 2014
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
— Ramsey Merbert (@4anno) February 13, 2012
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, "I'll keep that in mind" and walk off
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) July 2, 2014
Very nervous to use the bathroom because i ate twenty-five sticks of gum exactly 7 years ago tonight
— mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) July 6, 2014
If you don't know the difference between "there," "their" and "they're" your a moron.
— my pal andy™ (@andylevy) May 22, 2012
The worst part about getting my hand stuck in a Pringles can is when I can't get it out because my other hand is stuck in a Pringles can.
— Jeffrey Hadz (@Hadzilla) January 31, 2012
[me] goodnight moon
[moon] new phone who dis
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) October 1, 2014
All I did was walk by an Abercrombie and Fitch and now my name is Trent, my shirt is off, and I'm really into shell necklaces.
— Brett Ryland (@brettryland) February 29, 2012
Reverse Wet Willy: Dig your finger into your own ear and then shove it in someone's mouth.
— Dr. Tyler Lemco (@tlemco) December 9, 2012