Why Men and Women Can’t Be “Just Friends”

The age-old concern continues to plague us: can men and women really be “just friends?” In cases where there is no form of attraction on either side, it is absolutely possible! The response to this question gets murkier, however, when there is attraction involved on either end. Here’s what the research has to say. 

Men and Women View Opposite-Sex Friendships Differently

We know that opposite-sex friendships can still flourish, but usually strong and solid friendships are ones where there is little attraction or romantic interest on either side. First, we have to acknowledge that there is a discrepancy in the ways men and women view opposite-sex friendships in the context of heterosexual relationships. Studies show that men are more likely to report attraction to their female friends than women are to their male friends, regardless of whether or not they themselves or their friend is in a relationship. More recent research also indicates that the physical attractiveness of an opposite-sex friend can predict sexual interest in that friend more strongly for men than women, and that this effect is only affected by relationship satisfaction for women and not men. In other words, men are far more likely to be sexually interested in their female friends than women would be in their attractive male friends, regardless of how satisfied they are in their current relationship or their current partner’s attractiveness, whereas those factors do affect women’s attraction to their opposite-sex friends.  

This makes sense, given the common complaint of women when they express that on average, they see their male friends as genuinely “just friends” and are shocked when these same “friends” express sexual interest in them, and may have established their friendships with an ulterior motive – hence the popularity of claiming that men are “friend-zoned,” even though these women do not technically owe their opposite-sex friends anything. This discrepancy can also be found in how men initially choose their female friends generally speaking as opposed to how women choose their male friends. Research reveals shows that while both men and women prioritize dependability and agreeableness in their choice of opposite-sex friends, men specifically tend to prioritize the attractiveness of their female friends when it came to their choice of opposite-sex friends whereas women prioritized a male’s ability to protect them through physical prowess as well as their ability to provide through economic resources. 

Can Women Be Guilty Of This Behavior?

That being said, women are not always innocent in these behaviors either. Women who have psychopathic traits have been shown by studies to exhibit a serial pattern of what is known in the research literature as partner poaching, deliberately going after partnered men for thrill-seeking purposes and in some cases as a way to one-up women they may be envious of. The men they successfully “poach” tend to have the same psychopathic tendencies. So, there may also be cases of women who have the same dark personality traits as the men who cheat on their partners. Talk about deserving each other. 

What Does This Mean For Opposite-Sex Friendships?

So what does this all mean? While mutual trust is important in a romantic relationship, so are healthy boundaries. If your partner has opposite-sex friendships you are concerned about, it’s important to assess whether stronger boundaries need to be set or if the relationship in general is incompatible with your needs. This is not about engaging in controlling or coercive behaviors, but simply looking at whether the behaviors you’re experiencing from your partner are disrespectful to you and threaten the health of the relationship. For heterosexual relationships, this means we must stop gaslighting women (and some men) into believing there is nothing going on if they express discomfort over the “friendships” their partners have, especially if there is a reason for suspicion and plenty of evidence to suggest that their partners are romantically interested in their opposite-sex friends. Thousands of women across social media have shared their stories of how they were betrayed by their partners, who soon pursued the woman they called “just a friend” shortly after, so it’s not as if we don’t have the lived experiences of women that align with this research. 

As a society, we have gotten far too accustomed to labeling women especially as “insecure” or “crazy” for having healthy, reasonable boundaries and expectations in her relationships rather than encouraging her to listen to her intuition and observations which often prove to be correct. Emotional cheating behaviors may still persist in such shady friendships even if a physical affair does not occur – like constantly venting about your partner to your “girl best friend,” and establishing emotional intimacy with other women outside of your primary partner. Similarly, if a woman does have a mutual attraction to a male friend, which is rarer, but can certainly happen as well occasionally, healthy boundaries must also be set. If you are concerned about the way your partner is treating you, it may be time to detach and find a high-quality partner who truly respects you, prioritizes you, and understands your needs.