Narcissistic traits in a romantic partner are associated with unhealthy behaviors, bullying and aggression according to a meta-analysis of 437 studies. Studies also indicate that being in a relationship with a narcissistic partner may be associated with the development of mental health symptoms and PTSD. Based on their interpersonally manipulative behavior, here are the six phrases you may hear from a narcissistic romantic partner and what they really mean. 

“We need to go on a break.”

When a narcissistic individual proposes that you should go on a “break” in your relationship, this is usually code for, “I want time and space to pursue other romantic prospects I can use as a rebound and backup if this primary relationship doesn’t work out.”  In addition, asking for a “break” rather than simply communicating with your partner or taking the steps to problem-solve through conflict is meant to destabilize a narcissist’s romantic partners and make them walk anxiously on eggshells, working harder to please them to avoid abandonment. This is part of what pick-up artists call “the dread game,” instilling in their targets the fear of being abandoned so they don’t feel empowered enough to leave the relationship and feel stuck in trauma bonds with the narcissist. Rather than complying to their requests for a break, it is best to detach from the relationship altogether at this stage and break up with the narcissistic person for good. 

“You’re so jealous, possessive, and controlling.”

While there are certainly cases where a partner can be legitimately too jealous, possessive, and controlling, a relationship with a narcissistic partner is usually not one of them. That’s because according to studies, both narcissistic and psychopathic people tend to deliberately provoke jealousy in their partners for the purposes of gaining power and control, exacting revenge, testing the relationship, and compensating for insecurity. That is why they talk at length about their exes, flirt with other people in front of you to gauge your reactions, and create love triangles between you and their new targets to ensure they maintain power over your emotions. 

“You are so clingy and needy.”

When a person has basic emotional needs in a relationship, a narcissist is the first one to trample over them and invalidate them as being too “sensitive,” “clingy,” and “needy,” even if the narcissistic person was the one love-bombing their partners first with constant attention and affection before withdrawing. By labeling their partners “clingy,” they can release themselves from accountability and punish them for expecting more from the narcissistic individual.  

“Why is there always a problem and drama with you?”

One of the gaslighting tactics narcissists and otherwise toxic people use to belittle your emotions is to minimize and mischaracterize any kind of healthy conflict, attempts at accountability, or communication, as merely “drama.” That way, whenever you try to hold them responsible for any actions they engaged in that may have harmed you, you are labeled as the problem and they can forgo having to find any constructive solutions or apply healthy feedback to their behavior. In reality, narcissistic and psychopathic people tend to manufacture problems and chaos into the lives of their romantic partners for a sadistic thrill and to gain leverage over them, deliberately provoking reactions in their loved ones to do so. 

“You’re too much.”

Research reveals that a narcissistic partner lacks affective empathy for the emotions of their romantic partners. Cognitively, they can place themselves in their partner’s shoes, but they lack the emotional remorse people might otherwise experience when they hurt someone they love. As a result, when narcissists engage in destructive actions against their romantic partners, they may claim the emotions of their partners are too overwhelming and “too much” for them to handle. This leads to them inevitably stonewalling and shutting down any constructive discussions about their mistreatment and presenting their partners with the silent treatment when they are called out. 

“You need to be more grateful and humble.”

The romantic partners of narcissistic people could be some of the most grateful and humble human beings on the planet, but it would not matter to a person with dark personality traits who sees any sign of healthy feedback as a perceived slight to their ego and lashes out in rage. Although narcissistic people lack gratitude for the labor and efforts of their partners and loved ones, sabotage others out of malicious envy, and lack the humility to take accountability when needed, they are the first to label others as ungrateful or egotistical. This allows them to diminish their partner’s healthy pride, deter their goals, and instill in them a sense of needing to be grateful for anything the narcissist chooses to give them, even when the narcissistic partner ultimately neglects their most important and pressing needs. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it was not your fault, and you are not alone. You deserve emotional safety and respect. You deserve to heal from toxic people.