Benign envy and malicious envy are two very different emotional and behavioral states that lead to different outcomes. In benign envy, a person who feels envious or jealous of another person uses that jealousy constructively to fuel their own goals. In malicious envy, a person who is jealous or envious goes out of their way to deliberately undermine someone else’s success in an attempt to belittle and diminish them and “one-up” them to gain power and control. Research reveals that people who have narcissistic and psychopathic traits engage in malicious envy – envy that is destructive and aggressive. Here are four subtle behaviors you may notice if a narcissist is jealous or envious of you. 

They underhandedly sabotage you and place barriers on your path to success. 

Perhaps the clearest sign that a narcissist is envious of you is when they try to prevent you from succeeding by placing obstacles in your path to success. If you have a track record of high performance or are pursuing goals outside of them that threaten their ego, they will seek to regain control to diminish you. For example, a narcissistic husband may prevent his wife from pursuing higher education and attempt to micromanage and control her finances, so she is unable to have the resources to leave him. A narcissistic wife may belittle her husband’s career because she wants him dependent on her approval and always working harder to earn more and please her while she leeches off his resources. A narcissistic co-worker might try to highlight their own achievements while hiding your accomplishments which surpass theirs, in an attempt to gain favor with superiors. Or a narcissistic parent might verbally abuse their children, so they never feel good enough to pursue their ambitions and free themselves from the parent’s control. This is malicious envy to deter you from your goals in action.  

They “neg” you and covertly demean you so you’re less confident about yourself.  

Negging consists of any backhanded comments to disorient you and “humble” you into believing you fall short in some capacity. It is a malignant dating strategy often used by male pick-up artists to make women more compliant to their romantic advances, and unfortunately, it is occasionally effective when weaponized by narcissists to lower your confidence and self-worth, especially if used frequently over time. If a narcissist perceives you to be out of their league in any way, whether it be in appearance, success, talents, personality, popularity, the romantic attention you receive or all of the above, they will seek to lower your perceived value and raise their own perceived value by minimizing and detracting from your assets and positive qualities. For example, when you disclose to a narcissist on a date that you are pursuing your PhD, they may immediately say something like, “Are those degrees worth anything these days? I mean, just wondering,” in a tone of faux innocence to covertly undermine your achievements. Or, if a narcissist is jealous of the attention you get from strangers and other romantic prospects, they might start making cruel “teasing” comments about the way you dress or your makeup in an effort to make you stop dressing up, in the hopes you get less attention. They might say, “You look even better without makeup, not sure why you’re trying to put all that on your face” or if you’re wearing a flattering dress, “Wearing that dress is brave of you. Try something simpler!” These are all attempts to subtly motivate you to change your usual behaviors so you don’t threaten their grandiose self-perception or evoke their insecurities. 

They try to pit you against other people, and other people against you, setting up “competitions” to vie for their attention and approval.

Narcissists and psychopaths are not at peace unless they’re manufacturing chaos. They sadistically derive pleasure and excitement from watching people turn against one another by planting seeds of distrust, suspicion, paranoia, and doubt among the people closest to them, whether they be romantic partners, exes, friends, family members, colleagues, or even acquaintances who are the chosen scapegoats of their envy. Research reveals that they provoke jealousy on purpose for power and control, to exact revenge, test the relationship or in cases of vulnerable narcissism and the second subtype of psychopathy, to compensate for their own insecurities. That is why a narcissistic partner may constantly talk about their ex (in both loving and demeaning ways) to manufacture love triangles to get you to compete for them. That is why a narcissistic friend may gossip about you to your mutual friends and spread rumors, all while engaging in hurt-and-rescue tactics and pretending to “comfort” you when you discover these smear campaigns. That is why narcissistic employees might try to get themselves or one of their cronies promoted rather than create a true meritocracy where the most high-achieving and talented workers are rewarded, all while trying to sabotage you so you don’t climb the corporate ladder. It is all a way for them to stroke their own grandiose ego and attempt to make you feel inferior because they know you surpass them. Otherwise, they would not have to try so hard to sabotage you or demean you. 

They constantly move the goal posts and hypercriticize and nitpick you, so you never feel “enough” no matter what you do.

Hypercriticism and moving the goal posts are manipulation tactics that help ensure that an envious narcissist controls your focus. If you’re too focused on trying to gain their approval, you will stay less focused on how to take care of yourself or detach from the relationship. Let’s say a narcissistic dating partner told you that you don’t have what takes to be a singer, even though you’ve won many singing competitions, because they are jealous of your natural talent. Or a narcissistic spouse tells you to lose weight, even though you’re already a size two. When you do lose the weight unnecessarily or start entering even more challenging singing competitions to prove them wrong, they’ll start to nitpick and hypercriticize other parts of you or even make comparisons between you and other people to gaslight you and make you feel small. This is a game you simply cannot win, because the goal posts are arbitrary and will always change. You are far better off validating yourself, finding people who honor and celebrate your wins, and see you for the remarkable person you are, valuing and appreciating you as you deserve. If you are in a relationship with a hypercritical narcissist, the manipulation and mistreatment you experienced were never your fault. You deserve to healthy relationships, and you deserve to heal from toxic people.