A Quick Primer on Attachment Styles

“He or she just has an avoidant personality style!” But do they really? We often dismiss more malignant narcissistic behaviors that have been normalized as in our society as an “avoidant attachment style.” It sounds a lot better than admitting there may be toxicity or even narcissistic traits or behaviors afoot, doesn’t it? First, what is avoidant attachment? In order to better understand attachment styles, we have to look back at one of the most famous studies ever conducted on attachment. This was the experiment known as  “The Strange Situation,” where psychologist Mary Ainsworth as well as researchers Solomon and Main discovered four main attachment styles. In the Strange Situation experiment, infants were separated from their mothers while they were thrust in a new environment with toys and were given the opportunity to interact with a stranger who comes in. They were also left completely alone during one point in the experiment to observe their behavior in the new environment, before they were finally reunited with their mother. Based on their behaviors during and after the separation, four main attachment styles were noted.  

Four attachment styles from this study were identified: 1) secure attachment 2) avoidant attachment 3) anxious attachment and, as identified by researchers Solomon and Main in 1986, 4) disorganized attachment. For adult attachment styles, researchers Dr. Cindy Hazan and Dr. Phillip Shafer adapted these four childhood styles of attachment into adult patterns of attachment: secure, dismissive-avoidant, anxious-preoccupied, and fearful-avoidant. They noted that much like avoidant children who avoided close contact with their parents upon their return and tended to ignore their mothers, developing hyper-independence likely as a result of receiving unempathic responses to their distress in the past, adults with an avoidant-dismissive attachment style also tend to be distrusting, distance themselves from intimacy and closeness in relationships, and display hyper-independence. They are usually unable or unwilling to reciprocate the same openness and vulnerability as their partners, even if they seek out partners who want to become close to them. 

What Are the Signs You May Be Dating A Narcissist, Not An Avoidantly Attached Man?

1. An avoidantly attached man or woman avoids intimacy and closeness due to fear; narcissists push for physical and emotional intimacy early on to establish power. Avoidantly attached people may avoid getting into relationships altogether, and distance themselves from conflict and vulnerability by refusing to disclose personal details or express their emotions. Narcissists (whether men or women) fast-forward intimacy and closeness in the beginning of the relationship, showering you with excessive contact, attention, and affection, love bombing and promising a future with you, only to callously devalue you and stonewall you, shutting down conversations and gaslighting you as a manipulation method to make you distrust your own perception and reality. 
2. Narcissists weaponize emotions to control you. Avoidantly attached men have difficulty expressing their emotions at all. In the beginning of the relationship, a narcissist may seek to control you by making you feel obligated to them by showering you with romantic grand gestures and faux displays of love and affection, disclosing personal details about themselves (whether these details are true or false remains to be seen) to push you into disclosing insecurities, fears, and vulnerabilities you may not otherwise to use against you as ammunition later on. They will only become cold and aloof during the devaluation phase of the relationship when they sense you’re already heavily invested in them. An avoidantly attached man will avoid establishing vulnerability altogether and will be less likely to share personal stories about themselves that could reveal too much about their true fears and desires. They may appear cold and aloof, as well as emotionally distant, from the very beginning.
3. Avoidantly attached men typically have a childhood marked by emotional neglect, while narcissists may have been spoiled in childhood. Avoidantly attached men may have experienced a childhood where they felt emotionally neglected by their parents which is might have caused them to become hyper-independent as an adult. When it comes to childhood trauma for narcissistic people, studies are mixed and longitudinal studies actually show that narcissism as a trait may stem moreso from parental overvaluation and spoiling a child rather than childhood maltreatment, contributing to them developing an excessive sense of entitlement. If you notice your partner raging at you for perceived slights, punishing you for standing up to them and setting boundaries, verbally and emotionally abusing you, or if they respond to you not catering to their needs by emotionally withholding and withdrawing from you to “punish” you, you are likely dealing with a narcissistic individual, not “just” an avoidantly attached person. 
4. Both avoidantly attached men and narcissistic men can send mixed signals, but narcissists do so on purpose to manipulate and avoidantly attached men do so to protect themselves. Avoidantly attached men may send mixed signals naturally when they desire closeness but feel that establishing emotional intimacy makes them too fearful, so they shut down such bonding moments and distance themselves from conversations and commitments that lead to such intimacy. Narcissists deliberately engage in a hot-and-cold cycle, shifting between intermittent kindness and cruelty to get your brain “addicted” to the crazymaking cycle of their mistreatment and trauma bonded to them. They will swoop in again as soon as they sense you are detaching from them, and their ability to connect with you has little to do with fear but their own egotistical needs at the time. They are not afraid of “commitment” – narcissistic partners pursue many long-term and short-term relationships without any fear of committed relationships throughout their lives, but they do have a tendency to emotionally and physically cheat on their partners and engage in infidelity. 

Whether you’re dating an avoidantly attached man or a narcissist, however, if they are not taking accountability for changing any of their harmful actions toward you and they are not compatible with what you need and deserve in a romantic relationship, it’s advised for you to stop further attaching yourself to them and find a partner who is more willing to give you the happy relationship you deserve. You deserve to heal from toxic people and have healthy, respectful, and safe relationships.