Women Quit Dating, Sex, Marriage and Children With Men As 4B Movement Comes to The United States
As the 4B movement comes to the United States, women opt out of dating, sex, marriage, and childrearing. Here's what that means for the future.
What Is The 4B Movement?
The 4B movement is a women’s empowerment movement that first originated in South Korea in response to rampant misogyny and violence, with proponents such as Jung Se-young and Baeck Ha-na. As a result of the 4B movement, the birth rate is now the lowest it has ever been, and the government is now even trying to pay women to have children as a result. The 4 “Bs” refer to abstaining from the following behaviors:
- No sex with men (bisekseu)
- No child-rearing (bichulsan)
- No dating men (biyeonae)
- No marriage with men (bihon)
Is the 4B movement coming to the United States? It appears so. Across social media, women are declaring that they are implementing the principles of the 4B movement and no longer pursuing marriage, child-rearing, sex, or dating (at least not in a heterosexual relationship). Clinical therapist and director of Lotus Therapy and Counseling Center, Niloufar Esmaeilpour, states, “This trend seems to stem from a collective response to pervasive misogyny and the prevalence of violence against women. In my clinical practice, I’ve noticed that women from various demographics and age groups are drawn to these principles, suggesting that it resonates with a broad spectrum of experiences and perspectives. While some women are motivated by personal experiences of discrimination or trauma, others are influenced by broader societal shifts towards gender equality and autonomy.”
What Are the Benefits of the 4B Movement For Women?
If women are indeed taking on the principles of the 4B movement in the United States, there may be many benefits. According to Harvard-trained psychologist Dr. Bella DePaulo, research indicates that single, childfree women can be just as happy and satisfied with their lives as their coupled counterparts – in some cases, even happier, healthier, and wealthier. As licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Linda Baggett noted in a previous article on single and childfree women, “Many of my clients are millennial women who are single, childfree and between 25-40. I have noticed many benefits to choosing to be childfree for this population. First and foremost is that as any mother will tell you, having children makes it exceedingly hard to focus on yourself. It is very difficult to have the time and energy to focus on one’s own hobbies, travel, healing, self-care, leisure, and pursuing interests and relationships in the same way that a childfree woman can. It is important that women choose the path that feels right for them without pressure or judgment from others.” Therapist Dolly Ferraiuolo, LCSW, concurs, saying, “Parenthood is undoubtedly a profound and rewarding experience, but it also brings with it significant responsibilities and sacrifices. For some women, maintaining their emotional and mental well-being takes precedence.”
Sarah Reid, licensed mental health counselor says, “The biggest benefit to being single and childless is happiness. Married women with children often express their frustrations in therapy. They express feeling undervalued and unappreciated. They have sacrificed in both their personal and professional life, caring not only for themselves, but performing the unpaid labor of caring for a husband and children. Although there is the myth of happily ever after in marriage, evidently single women without children are the happiest.”
Taking a break from dating may also be helpful to those who have experienced the traumas of an increasingly hostile dating climate and misogynistic culture. Licensed mental health counselor Monica Amoroso states, “For a lot of women on my caseload, from their early 20s to into their 50s, I hear first-hand reports of what dating is like for a lot of people right now. People are being inundated with aggressive men, offensive men, and sometimes even violent men. More often than people might think, I hear reports of a woman agreeing to be intimate with a date only to be faced with sexual violence and dehumanization. These women have real-life examples of how dangerous it feels to date, and stepping back from dating has been a real source of safety and power.”
Clinical psychologist Dr. Holly Schiff says that the 4B movement has improved the mental health and well-being of her clients who have taken on its principles, noting, “They feel more peaceful and optimistic about their futures. They don’t feel as restricted or constrained by the typical societal expectations of dating, marriage and having children. They recognize they can still live a fulfilling, fruitful and meaningful life even without those things.” The 4B movement can also be a way to fight oppressive patriarchal norms, she says. “By adopting the principles of 4B, women get to call the shots, decide what they want for themselves and don’t need a partner to do it… it is a way to fight for equality, stand up for themselves and fight back against the patriarchy and misogyny. It refutes the idea that the only purpose of women in our society is to be a “housewife,” thereby taking care of the house and having children.”
Women Who Have Adopted 4B Principles Share Their Reasons
In a previous article, I interviewed hundreds of women who had gone into the various stages and principles that are aligned with the 4B movement – some had become celibate after years of dating, others had been married and had children in the past but opted out of the dating world, while others stopped pursuing marriage at all, and many others are happily single and childfree. This appears to be a culmination of many years of encountering extreme hostility, misogyny, danger, and even in some cases, narcissistic dating partners in the dating world. Some of the common reasons why women were choosing principles aligned with this movement included the following. A sample of quotes for each reason is provided, but you can read the full quotes associated with all of these reasons here.
The current dating pool is toxic.
It causes far too much trauma and takes too much time, energy, and investment for many women to deal with. Most women are not willing to sacrifice their mental or physical health just to find a partner, are choosing to prioritize themselves and want to protect their peace. Many women also report they have worked intensively on healing and working on themselves through therapy – but they don’t feel they receive that same courtesy from their dating partners. This was a theme that came up consistently in responses I received from women who could no longer endure the sheer time and energy it took to wade through the toxicity of the current dating pool. Specifically, women felt that the dating pool, especially on dating apps, were filled with predatory people, and it took a great deal of time and energy to invest in a potential connection, only to be met with red flags, disrespect, and abuse. They opted instead to choose to protect their well-being by taking themselves out of the dating pool altogether. This toxicity, women note, tends to be unequal: while men tend to have a larger pool of potential mates who have done inner work or have gone to therapy, are nurturing, accomplished, thoughtful, and empathic, women don’t feel most men on dating apps (or elsewhere) have done the work to heal or be empathic.
“My peace is so valuable to me. I have yet – in my 54 years – to find a man that has added to my life, instead only men that take. I was exhausted. My life has exponentially changed for the better when I’ve placed priority on my own happiness and building my own full and abundant life. I am so happy!” – Piper
“Choosing singlehood has taken away the distractions that I felt were a need in life. I’ve built up so much in a short period of time that I’m so proud of. I did the work and pushed through to be better on my own. I tried dating at one point this year and it took away from my life more than anything. I don’t want to date anyone and I feel more comfortable with that decision now than ever before. It’s just not for me.” – Amanda
“I’m a family therapist that works with teens, adults, and couples. There has been a notable shift in what women are looking for in a partnership, specifically, more mutuality, shared responsibility for making life work at home, and reciprocal encouragement and support for each in the partnership to live an inspired, fulfilling life. Most men of my generation (I am 70) continue to expect their partners to take care of the “heavy-lifting” at home, while they want the last word when it comes to finances and making the “big decisions.” Younger women also report inequities in their relationships with men, i.e. when it comes to maintaining the household, even many young men will describe themselves as “helping” if they do laundry or childcare. So more and more, women of all ages are done with the old relationship “script,” preferring to go it alone until there is an upgrade. I think women are much more eager to welcome partnerships that are equitable – after all, who wants to go back to being a serf?” – Linda
“I am choosing to not care about finding someone at this time. I honestly don’t want to find anyone at this point. I am exhausted. I am exhausted from constantly being let down by men who won’t choose to do the work and heal themselves…I am now choosing to date myself and give me the attention I’ve given all these men throughout my entire life since I was 16. I owe this to myself and if the kind of guy I’ve been looking for comes into my life, I’ll welcome him in, but I won’t beg for scraps of love ever again. I’m now choosing to give my kids the happy energetic mom they have always deserved. I am able to because I’m not bending over backwards for everyone else.” – Alex
“I did my healing. I put the effort in for years to learn what my toxic behaviors were and how to recognize and respond to my emotions. I healed from my divorce and from my abuser. Trying to date and centering men in any way, wasted my time and halted my progress and caused me way too much anxiety wondering what else I should do to make it right. Yet none of these men were ever willing to put as much effort into their own healing (physical or emotional, they always lacked somewhere) and progress as the majority of the women that I knew had, let alone the amount of effort I put into myself. I was not given this One Life to live, simply to move from incompetent man to incompetent man to incompetent man claiming he just needed love. I am here to live life, happily, beautifully and in the manner that I define successfully!” – Alesha
Misogyny is rampant and so is exploitation, deception, fraud, cheating, and abuse. In the dating world, women are experiencing misogyny and various forms of abuse and deception at high levels, especially on dating apps.
From unsolicited pictures that violate them to deceitful partners that hide their marital status or criminal records, dating and dating apps have become more of a dangerous game of emotional Russian roulette. Successful and high-achieving women stated they felt the pressure to be providers as well as the primary parent and “mother” to their partners; some experienced pathologically envious men who lashed out at them due to their success. Post-pandemic, more women are leaving hookup culture, casual sex, and dating apps to reclaim their power. Some are even choosing celibacy altogether.
“For straight women, dating apps are like being thrown into a pool of frenzied piranhas. It’s giving their only natural predator, men, easier access to their prey. From sending icky rude remarks and unwanted d*ck pics and verbal abuse to them actually murdering their dates.” – Veronica
“I now equate celibacy and being single as empowering because I am harnessing my own fortitude, happiness, security, and wisdom. No more second or third or fourth persons forcefully shoving down in my throat their opinions, wants, and needs like those are gospel truth that I must heed.” – VM
“I once, downloaded one of these so called “dating apps” and 10 minutes later, I immediately uninstalled it. I felt like I was being in a lake of swarming narcissistic, sexaholic, maniac crocodiles. I would never ever do this again in my entire life.” – Mae
“I tried it twice. One guy had severe mental health issues and the second guy had 13 sexual assault charges and is on the sex offenders registry! These people aren’t vetted and anyone can set up a profile. Online dating is too risky; I’m a single mom and I will never do it again, my children’s safety is paramount.” – Jacquie
“Men’s entitlement creates abusiveness and allows for a lack of awareness. I wasn’t put on this earth to be powerless and fix the misogyny created by men for men. I’m here to be fully myself, my strong and beautiful self! I don’t believe I can do that in a heterosexual relationship.” – Alex
Experiences of narcissistic partners tend to be frequent, especially on dating apps but in modern romance in general. Singlehood offered these women freedom, time and space for goals and personal self-development, self-care, raising their standards, other meaningful connections and most importantly, peace. Accountability is at an all-time low, and women prefer solitude to “raising” a man.
Many of the women interviewed noted that they experienced weaponized incompetence and often took on the majority of domestic labor and emotional labor, even if both partners were employed full-time. Many women noted that placing the focus back on their self-care, healing, and mental health has made a substantial difference to their well-being and enhanced their happiness.
“I don’t think women are willing to put up with men’s shenanigans like they “had” to in the past, holding out and trying to will the relationship they wanted. Women are smart and more resourceful than ever. The power differential is changing. Men have to realize it’s a different relationship world and women have no time for nonsense. Men have a whole lot of healing to do to be authentic and effortful in a real relationship or women will turf them.” – Diana
“I am no longer willing to diminish my worth, or compromise my peace, simply because a man is not willing to learn to be a better person and then consistently act on it. After twenty years of covert abuse, I have zero fucks left to give. Never again will I betray myself as to not hurt a man’s feelings. If you can’t add to my peace, then leave me alone. If you haven’t healed your trauma, go live with your mama. Women need to stop being so available to these little boys, pretending like they are men. And most importantly, healthy and healed men need to be the ones holding these little boys accountable for their toxic behaviors, entitlement, and misogyny.” – Rae
“I am tired of teaching. It’s not my responsibility to teach you emotional intelligence, basic kindness, intersectional feminism, or the direction of the clitoris. I am tired of not knowing. I am tired of latching onto the green flags, only to be knocked upside the head with that red flag they hide so well. And I feel so good, so free and light and happy when it’s just me. I know how to love myself and I truly enjoy my own company. If someone is not adding to my life, they’re simply subtracting and nobody has got time for that.” – Toni
“I want to be money making! Going back to school for my J.D. I feel that men want women to provide and take care of the home and family, while they just provide. They want us to be feminine but push us into a masculine role. I am going to make bank and travel the world. I don’t want to mix finances at this point in my life, anyway. Many of my female friends agree. We all own our $650k+ homes and we’re just fine never cohabitating with a significant other. I have done the work to heal, many men claim they have but it never truly appears as though they have. I’ll kick ass, take names, and make my own coin.” – Lisa