They don’t mistreat the people who’ve been there for them.

People with empathy are able to build strong, authentic connections with others. They have a sense of natural reciprocity toward those they bond with. Narcissistic individuals who lack empathy also lack a sense of relational “constancy,” in that they’re able to devalue others at the drop of a hat in response to a perceived slight to their ego or when their sense of entitlement is challenged. For example, an empathic husband or wife would not suddenly run off with their secretary or a lover after fifteen years of marriage and abruptly begin to shower all their attention and affection onto a new person while neglecting the spouse who did so much to build them up. Most empathic people would feel terrible if they mistreated or callously neglected someone who was there for them — narcissists gladly bite the hands that emotionally feed and nourish them.

They don’t repeatedly harm you when you’ve told them to stop.

Empathic people go out of their way to respect your boundaries and emotions; narcissistic people find a thrill in trespassing the boundaries you express to them. An empathic person doesn’t need to be told a thousand times to not step on their toe. You could tell a narcissistic person the same even just once and within five minutes, your foot would be in a cast because of how many times they excitedly stepped on it. Similarly, if you tell a narcissistic person to stop making cruel jokes at your expense, or stop flirting with their ex, they will double down on their harmful behavior rather than stopping. It is akin to a little kid having a sulky tantrum and going into the cookie jar when you’ve told them several times not to – except, the narcissist is a full grown adult and is absolutely responsible for their behaviors. If someone is harming you repeatedly, it’s important to identify the red flags and break the trauma bond.

They don’t set up bizarre, perverted competitions or love triangles. They don’t try to provoke jealousy or insecurity on purpose.

Research indicates that both narcissistic and psychopathic individuals provoke jealousy on purpose to gain power and control — some do so in order to exact revenge, test the relationship and some vulnerable narcissists may do also so to compensate for low self-esteem. An empathic person would make you feel irreplaceable and appreciated; a narcissistic person will take every opportunity to try to pit you against other people for their attention. 

They don’t use your fears, traumas, or insecurities against you.

If you express a fear to an empathic person or disclose a trauma, they’re not going to use it as ammunition against you later on or weaponize it to belittle you. For example, if you tell an empathic person that a mutual friend hurt you or betrayed you, they’re not going to comfort you, only to be seen out partying with that same friend the next day. Or if you share with an empathic person how you fear being abandoned, they’re not going to give you the silent treatment immediately afterward. Narcissists will gladly befriend those who’ve harmed you or give you the silent treatment just to rub salt on the wound and see how you react.

They don’t stonewall or give the silent treatment, especially to people who have helped them.

Speaking of the silent treatment and stonewalling, empathic people do not engage in these manipulative tactics and behaviors (this is not to be confused with going no contact with a toxic person—in those cases, that is just a setting of healthy boundaries with an abuser). If they want to have a constructive, open discussion with you, empathic people will do so without an issue, sharing their thoughts and feelings with transparency and integrity. They will take accountability if needed and incorporate healthy feedback if it is relevant. Narcissistic people on the other hand are adverse to accountability and feedback. Rather than mindfully engage in a constructive discussion, they prefer to ignore those who hold them accountable, stonewall and shut down conversations before they begin and punish those who give them feedback on their harmful behaviors — no matter what that other person has done for them.

They don’t target and punish innocent people who’ve never done anything to them, while rewarding those who’ve done nothing for them.

You won’t see empathic people targeting innocent people who did nothing to them to try to demean them unprovoked, while suddenly praising and uplifting people who did nothing for them just to try to make you jealous. This type of behavior is unique to narcissists and psychopaths who take pleasure and duping delight in creating love triangles and competitions. For example, let’s say you’ve been generous towards a friend who is secretly envious of you. If they’re a narcissist, rather than being grateful for your generosity, they may start spreading rumors about you or praising another friend in front of you (who has not been half as generous) in an absurd attempt to try to make you feel inferior. An empathic person on the other hand would reciprocate your generosity gladly and direct their attention to those who’ve been kind to them, rather than punish innocent people who don’t deserve cruelty.