They are superficially glib and charming when it comes to expressing empathy for your pain when it benefits them, or when their image can be enhanced. However, when it comes to validating your emotions, they can be cruel, aloof, and callous.

Research indicates that both narcissistic and psychopathic individuals tend to possess cognitive empathy – the ability to identify and discern what others are feeling, thinking, and desiring. They can weaponize this cognitive empathy against others to better manipulate them into serving their needs. What they lack is affective empathy – the ability and willingness to care about the emotions, needs, or desires of others unless it benefits them personally. That is why you might meet a narcissistic person on a date who seems to initially express a great deal of sympathy for you and others because they have a hidden agenda (e.g. wanting to impress you to sleep with you, present a false enhanced image of themselves, or get you invested in a relationship with them) but suddenly behaves coldly and callously when it doesn’t benefit them. For example, later down the road you might call them to express distress, or hold them accountable for disrespecting you, and they invalidate and gaslight you, or kick you when you’re down, displaying a shocking level of indifference. People who are genuinely empathic don’t just “switch off” their empathy without a valid reason (i.e. the exception being you mistreated them too many times for them to extend compassion and they now hold stronger boundaries). Truly empathic people still care for others even when the issues of others don’t affect them personally. In fact, their empathy makes them feel the pain of others on a deep level, and they go out of their way to not cause harm to others, even accidentally. Set a boundary with a narcissist, on the other hand, and they will be eager to trespass them and violate you.

A discrepancy between their words, actions, and nonverbal expressions that reveal their sadistic nature.

Let’s say you’re confiding in a narcissistic friend that you’ve just broken up with your boyfriend. The friend verbally tells you, “I am so sorry,” but this phrase is accompanied by a sadistic smile and visible delight in their eyes. Perhaps they seem like they’re holding back laughter. Or maybe you tell your co-worker you just got a promotion, and they tell you a half-hearted congratulations while giving a pained smile and an envious glare. Later, that same co-worker tries to sabotage you. What just happened? You just caught the microexpressions of a sadistic, manipulative individual. Maybe this friend was already flirting with your boyfriend behind your back or was envious of your happiness – and much like any narcissistic or psychopathic individual, they’re experiencing duping delight at conning you into believing they were a true friend. Maybe that co-worker felt they deserved that promotion instead and didn’t care how hard you worked or how much merit you have.  When it comes to communication, it’s not just the verbal expressions that matter – it is the tone of their voice, their gestures, their facial expressions, the subtle cues that let you know you’re in the presence of someone dangerous and sadistic – someone who not only lacks empathy for any difficulties you go through, but is actually hoping and praying for your downfall because they’re envious of how you surpass them.

They repeat harmful behavior no matter how many times you express it hurts you. They have an inability to take accountability for their actions that harm you – while punishing you for calling it out.

Let’s say you accidentally step on someone’s toe. They call out in pain, and you immediately apologize, feeling remorseful. Would you wait five minutes, and then rush to step on their toe again? Of course not! The only case you would repeat harmful behavior against an individual who has expressed their distress is if it wasn’t accidental – only if it was purposeful and deliberate. When a narcissistic person has the information at hand that lets them know what hurts you, the past traumas you have, or any wounds or insecurities – and they still use that information against you in order to belittle and demean you, no matter how many times you’ve expressed it’s harmful, you know exactly what type of person you are dealing with. If you are dealing with someone who gets hyper-defensive any time they are gently held accountable, no matter how politely or graciously you bring this issue up, you’re not dealing with someone who is emotionally validating, empathic, or mature. A person who possesses empathy would feel genuine remorse at hurting someone innocent. A narcissistic or psychopathic person rejoices in harming the innocent, no matter how much that person has done for them. Being overly kind and empathic to a conscienceless individual who only shows you cruelty in return only results in harm for the empathic person. Don’t be gaslit and don’t gaslight yourself into believing someone who appears empathic is when their actions and patterns of behavior suggest otherwise. Break the trauma bond. Be aware of the red flags and set healthy boundaries.