Most people who call themselves “empaths” or even a “highly sensitive person” (which is a genetic trait) usually genuinely do have a heightened sense of empathy and compassion for others, as well as a well-tuned intuition. The term “empath” is a colloquial way people can use to describe the experience of being highly attuned to the emotions of others and their environment. Yet there are also times people will claim to be empaths but will be anything but. We shouldn’t demonize the term “empath” as it gives people meaningful validation on how they experience the world – so, unless you see red flags, don’t rush to judge them. However, we should still be discerning about the red flags. Here are three subtle behaviors you should look out for if you think you may be in the presence of a deceptive or narcissistic personality donning this label:

They present a saccharine-sweet, “moral” image and haughty air of moral superiority in public, preaching kindness, but engage in bullying behaviors toward others.

You’ve heard the trope that the person who writes mottos like “Love and light,” and “Be kind to others,” in their online bios often ironically turn out to be the cruelest people, and usually have a history of bullying others (that’s not always the case, but people have certainly noticed this phenomenon). Why is that? It’s because people who are authentically, morally good and kind don’t usually need to broadcast their own nature – kindness is their default, not the exception, so they don’t feel the need to present themselves in a certain light – they simply are that way, and this quality can be seen in their long-term actions and behavior. Nor do they feel compelled to impose moral absolutism in situations, especially where victims or vulnerable people are involved, as they know how to look at scenarios in a more nuanced way (i.e. You won’t see a real “empath” tell a victim of chronic abuse they were immoral for lying to their abuser to keep themselves safe, or if we are continuing on the example about social media, they won’t blame and shame a victim for posting confident pictures showcasing their beauty after a difficult time – only envious, narcissistic people do that). Often, the person who is authentic – transparent in both their flaws and strengths, rather than a preacher of absolutist “morality” who belittles and bullies people out of envy and a need to defend their own toxic behaviors – usually turns out to be the kindest because they’re not trying so hard to present themselves as a morally superior way or position themselves above others. That being said, let’s go beyond just how they present themselves: how do they behave in general in real life? Do they seem overly sweet, only to violate your privacy or boundaries? Do they rage when you set a healthy boundary? Do they smile at you, while sadistically plotting against you and trying to sabotage you? Do they emphatically tell stories to draw attention to themselves in social settings and steal someone’s spotlight, even while knowing someone else is more deserving of being heard?

Do they fail to respond when you express how they’ve harmed you with callous silence and indifference, after a period of love bombing? Perhaps they speak to you in a “kind” but condescending manner, as they try to belittle your accomplishments which surpass theirs, out of envy? Maybe they adopt a soft-spoken voice as they congratulate you, only to steal your work and try to take credit. Notice the discrepancy among words, actions, nonverbal gestures, and long-term behavioral patterns. This will tell you all you need to know about their true nature. If you are in a relationship or friendship with a manipulative person, it’s important to heal and break the trauma bond. 

They virtue-signal and display moral outrage over issues that affect others but fail to actually support people when push comes to shove. When confronted, they may play the victim.

The false “empath” who is actually quite narcissistic is always telling you who they really are. You just have to listen. Observe how they feign moral outrage over issues they know wins them clout or praise (i.e. a narcissistic woman may claim she supports domestic violence survivors, but then turn around and victim-shame survivors, or even befriend abusers). Then, look at how they actually support vulnerable populations, if at all, and the causes they speak out about, as well as any toxic and abusive people they may associate themselves with. If they appear to extend you support but are associating themselves with people who have harmed you or seem to engage in the same behaviors they feign outrage over, you know their virtue-signaling is quite empty and their moral outrage is hollow.

They talk a lot about how empathic they are but are nowhere to be found when you actually need their support – or misuse their image of being an “empath” to exploit you.

People who are genuinely empathic are emotionally validating, mindful, and conscientious about how their actions affect others. They preemptively anticipate people’s needs and often go out of their way to make people feel seen, heard, and comfortable. Unless someone is being actively toxic to them or there’s a specific scenario where they’re burnt out or traumatized, they’re all too willing to help out in whatever way they’re capable of to help someone feel better and uplift and empower people. This is, of course, not to be confused with having unhealthy boundaries where they allow themselves to be used as an emotional sponge or punching bag or settling for relationships without reciprocity – empathic people deserve to also be helped in turn, as well. In their interactions with you, they will be emotionally validating and receptive, not callous and insensitive (with actions and long-term behaviors to back up their words). The “false” empath who is narcissistic or psychopathic, on the other hand, will reveal their callousness and self-centeredness quite quickly. They want to know what’s “in it for them,” and will exploit your traumas and vulnerabilities to weaponize these against you later. They may even punish you for expecting support at all, especially if it is inconvenient for them in some way or conflicts with their hidden personal agendas. They will only emotionally support you if they feel there’s some kind of reward involved. Truly empathic people will have healthy boundaries with the people they help (that being said, they have no obligation to help toxic people who’ve harmed them), but they will be there for you in genuine ways in the long-term. They won’t abandon or neglect the people who have been there for them nor will they return your kindness with cruelty as narcissists do. | Shahida Arabi is a published researcher and bestselling author of six books, translated into 18+ languages all over the world.