Full-fledged psychopathy is rare, but researchers estimate that around 30% of the general population has some degree of psychopathic traits. Here are three subtle behaviors to look out for if you suspect you’re in the presence of someone psychopathic, according to an expert.
A sadistic sense of pleasure in provoking pain – all while feigning innocence.
Narcissistic individuals tend to provoke others to gain a sense of power and control. Psychopathic people take it five steps further: they not only enjoy having power over others, they also take a sadistic pleasure in inflicting pain. The most extreme psychopaths are gratuitous in their sadism and can escalate to physical violence – but even the nonviolent, more covertly operating psychopath can still do considerable harm by going out of their way to cause emotional wounds. To avoid accountability, the more “primary” type of psychopath – the cool-headed, less impulsive, and fearless psychopath – tends to be quite clever in covering up their tracks. They will investigate your triggers by asking you careful questions under the guise of establishing a bond – only to use that information to repeatedly hurt you. They will pretend they are going out of their way to ensure you do not get hurt, all while subjecting you to the exact behavior you’ve disclosed to them hurts you or has harmed you in the past. For example, if you share a trauma you experienced with a psychopath (e.g. having a verbally abusive father), they may pretend to sympathize with you, only to reenact that same traumatic event to trigger you (e.g. shortly after this disclosure, the psychopath starts calling you names and swearing). Or, if you tell a psychopathic individual that one of their behaviors is harmful (e.g. Please don’t speak to me in that condescending, sarcastic tone, it hurts me), they may initially apologize, only to continue engaging in this same behavior. You may also witness signs of them enjoying harming you – such as a sly smirk as they apologize, or a glimmer of satisfaction in their eyes as they watch the horrified look on your face.
Their relationship with you can change at the drop of a hat – and they seem to get bored easily of the people they once placed on a pedestal.
This behavior can be exhibited more subtly in the sense that a psychopath can build up a powerful, seemingly long-lasting bond with you that can last for months or even years. Yet by the time they’ve used up your resources, they get bored with you or are pursuing other targets, the “switch-up” in their personality can seem abrupt and seem like it comes out of nowhere. This is because they lack emotional permanence to view you as valuable to them unless there is some sense of novelty or personal gain and are emotionally shallow and callous in their relationships. They are high sensation seekers who become perpetually bored, always on the search for novelty and a new shiny object to play with. You may have been love-bombed intensely by a psychopath, only to feel like they no longer “see you” as they direct their laser focus on another target. At the same time, both narcissistic and psychopathic partners can also re-idealize their partners once they feel “new” again or once they’ve lost control over their partners. Studies indicate this is because they want to maintain access to those partners for sex and resources.
They use their supernatural charm and pity ploys to con you – yet there’s something amiss or even awkward about their demeanor. The better you treat them, the worse they tend to treat you.
The strength of a psychopath’s superficial, glib charm cannot be underestimated. The most cunning psychopaths know how to balance combining innocence with charm to con you. They know that if they seem too well-versed and practiced, they may not convince you that they are authentic. To prevent this, they may make preemptive claims like, “I hate liars,” or “I hate players. I am a romantic,” and use pity ploy sob stories of how they’ve been hurt in the past to lure you in and make you trust them. Yet even in the midst of their charm you can sense something is “missing” – there tends to be micro-signals of something amiss in their demeanor – like a silent fury or contempt brewing beneath the surface, a strange awkwardness, a flash of envy in their eyes, or the sense that they are rehearsing and performing lines from a movie or what you want to hear, rather than sentiments that arise organically. Unlike an empathic person, the psychopathic person has no qualms about then treating you with callous indifference and cruelty even if you’ve gone out of your way to help them – in fact, especially if you’ve treated them well.
Whereas most empathic people would be generous and kind in turn to the people who supported them, psychopaths handle the people who treat them well with even more disrespect because they feel they can get away with it. They see people as props and objects to be used – as chess pieces there to serve them, rather than human beings. They want to “win the game,” not build authentic relationships. They don’t play nice or fair – they think of empathic humans as gullible, naïve, and deserving to be taken advantage of. That is why they are willing to devalue people so easily and without remorse. If you are dealing with a psychopath, it’s important not to show any mercy. They will exploit any more kindness and compassion you give them for their own gain while harming you more. Instead, seek professional support for your healing and detach from this person to keep yourself safe. | Shahida Arabi is a published researcher specializing in narcissism and psychopathy and the bestselling author of four books translated in 16+ languages all over the world.
