Are they a healthy partner and “soulmate,” or a narcissistic manipulator? Here’s five signs that will tell you whether you’ve really met a healthy partner or an imposter, according to an expert.
Healthy partners empathize with you and celebrate you long-term; narcissistic people sabotage you out of malicious envy.
Studies show that narcissistic and psychopathic individuals can experience malicious envy – the kind of envy that drives them to sabotage others. A nourishing partner will stand by you and with you while also holding healthy boundaries. They will make you feel like you are capable of anything and celebrate your wins; this is known as capitalization, and it not only maximizes your well-being, it enhances relationship satisfaction. Healthy partners will be your biggest cheerleaders, encouraging you to pursue your dreams with more ease and confidence. Your true soulmate will feel for you as if your struggles are their own; they will be nurturing, kind, compassionate. That is how much they care for you and love you. They will help you during dark times by comforting you and soothing you just as you would do for them. If your “soulmate” lacks empathy, kicks you when you’re down, or is envious of you and tries to “humble” you while you support them, they’re not your soulmate – you’re in a toxic relationship.
Healthy partners identify and value your irreplaceability – what makes you unique; narcissistic partners try to deliberately provoke jealousy to create a manufactured competition for their affections.
Research indicates that people with narcissistic and psychopathic traits tend to provoke jealousy on purpose, often to gain power and control over you, test the relationship, compensate for insecurities, or even exact revenge. A healthy partner or soulmate would not compare you to another because for them, no past or future partner could ever compare. They would never treat you as disposable or try to make you jealous on purpose. They go out of their way to make you feel special and secure because you really are special to them. They don’t “see” or feel for anyone else in the same way. A manipulator will provoke insecurity in you to make you feel less than so you don’t leave them; they will try to make you compete for them and prove yourself to them. With a true soulmate, you are irreplaceable to them because there is only one you – with all your quirks, talents, beauty, warmth, inside shared jokes, laughter, radiance, and energy. You tend to be the only one they think about and love in a special way. A true soulmate will make you feel cherished and chosen – not compared, belittled, minimized, or pitted against others in a competition you never asked for.
Healthy partners and “soulmates” connect to your true authentic self – narcissistic partners mirror you just to get you invested in them.
Narcissistic manipulators tend to mirror your hobbies, interests, and personality traits with plenty of love-bombing and future-faking at the onset of the relationship. This fools you into believing in and investing in their false mask, not their true self. Your connection to your soulmate is based upon you both knowing each other’s authentic selves. There is no pretending between you two in terms of who you really are. Manipulators may pretend to connect with you for a short period to meet an agenda, but the mask falls off and toxic relationships are often fraught with lies and filled with deception. A true healthy partnership can be rare but genuine. Your souls, minds, hearts, and personalities connect authentically not because of manufactured “mirroring” or manipulation but because you two connect on similar interests, hobbies, goals, and life paths. You have personality traits and shared goals that align well together, and the relationship is one of mutual respect, empathy, and consideration.
Healthy partners make an effort to find out what makes you happy – and use that information to support and encourage you throughout every stage of the relationship. Narcissistic partners tend to withhold, devalue, and withdraw after the honeymoon phase of the relationship.
A healthy partner will recognize what makes you stand out from the rest. To them, you are not interchangeable with anyone else. They connect with you on a deeper level and genuinely want to get to know you – not just because they want a relationship with just anyone but because they want a relationship with you specifically. They remember specific details about you that make you who you are because they truly “see” you. They make a long-term effort to understand you and learn what makes you happy – and they apply that information to support you beyond the “honeymoon” stage of the relationship. This is different from shallow short-term love bombing, flattery, and praise used for an agenda. Narcissistic partners, on the other hand, tend to withhold affection and attention after the idealization phase of the relationship is over. Healthy partners genuinely appreciate and honor your kindness, your bright spirit, your comedic genius, your intelligence, your inner and outer beauty – all of it, long-term. You’re never their placeholder or their “something for now” until something “better” comes along – to them, there is no one better – you are that special someone for them, and they make sure you know you are valued and cherished long-term.
Healthy partners share your core values and have good character. They treat all people well, not just people they’re invested in. Narcissistic individuals engage in unethical behaviors to get their needs met, even if that means throwing innocent or vulnerable people under the bus.
Studies indicate that grandiose narcissism and psychopathy tend to be associated with a lack of guilt, remorse, and unethical attitudes, behaviors, and beliefs. A healthy partner or soulmate will have the same core values as you and will likely work with you toward the greater good and your highest good and personal development. They will support you in your goals and dreams, but they will also care about humanity and the welfare of others at large. Their character long-term will be one of integrity. If you’re with a partner who dehumanizes people, engages in unethical behaviors, does not acknowledge injustice, stays silent in matters of inequality, is okay with oppressing the marginalized for their own gain, encourages aggression or violence against the innocent or believes in cruelty or discrimination in any form, you likely with someone who possesses darker personality traits. The way they treat others will eventually come back to the way they treat you – and they may even treat you worse behind closed doors. Don’t settle for a “soulmate” who has toxic traits when there are healthier relationships and partners possible for you. You deserve satisfying, safe, and fulfilling relationships. | This is an excerpt from Powerful Alchemy, a book that will help you differentiate between the red flags of narcissists and healthy soulmates.
