3 Dark “Negotiation” Tactics Narcissists and Psychopaths Use to Manipulate You

From Wall Street to the boardroom to the ruthless arena of emotionally abusive romantic relationships, narcissistic and psychopathic individuals employ certain dark “negotiation” tactics without remorse, empathy, or conscience to pull the wool over the eyes of their victims and to get their own needs met, all while subjecting their victims to immense emotional harm and placing their victims in danger. For narcissistic and psychopathic individuals, setting up an exploitative marriage that only serves them is akin to any other ruthless business deal where the victim of manipulation is seduced by grand promises, only to be left bruised and battered. Here are three dark negotiation tactics to watch out for if you believe you’re being manipulated by a narcissist or psychopath in your relationships.

Demonstrate value by devaluing the victim, and issue only ultimatums and consequences in response to boundaries. The art of the dark negotiation (which is much less a negotiation and just outright psychological abuse filled with ultimatums) is that narcissists and psychopaths attempt to position themselves as superior to the victims they need or want something from, or have benefited immensely from. For example, let’s say the victim of a narcissistic partner decides to stand up to their abuser, request more reciprocity in their relationship, tells them that they’re planning to leave, or sets healthy boundaries. Their toxic partner derives great benefits from the relationship: constant love, care, affection, resources, childrearing – perhaps the victim is also an important prop to demonstrate the narcissist’s own normalcy. In response, rather than trying to meet the victim halfway or even just emotionally validate the victim, the narcissist may demean their partner’s contributions and character while elevating their own, knowing full well this person adds immense value to their life. They may issue ultimatums, insults, punishment or withhold attention and affection to undercut and demean the victim for daring to speak out at all. Basically, narcissists not only habitually bite the hand that feeds them – they chomp down and become a sadistic cannibal. This devaluation works to manage down the victim’s expectations of the narcissist and taps into abandonment wounds or fears to prevent the victim from seeking safety or setting boundaries. It can falsely convince the victim that the narcissist is the prize when in reality, the victim is the one with the valuable assets and qualities the narcissist benefits from.

The silent treatment. Every conscienceless negotiator knows that one of the most effective ways to keep someone on edge and off-kilter is to make them believe “no deal” will be struck at all unless the victim complies with the requests of the narcissist – and even after the victim does comply, the silent treatment can still be used to punish and withhold from the victim to condition them into a state of constant fight-or-flight so they don’t try to question the questionable actions of the narcissist again. The victim is left so emotionally drained and exhausted attempting to reinstate communication that they are more willing to meet the needs of the narcissist just to “survive” and look at small mercies or the bare minimum with an amplified sense of appreciation. In realms of business, the silent treatment is used as a “delaying” tactic to unnecessarily inflict pain and evoke insecurity in the victim so the victim is willing to take on greater risk, make more sacrifices, and take on more burdens to potentially achieve their goals or undertake the possibility of “winning big.” In the realm of romantic relationships, the silent treatment is used to callously and brutually minimize the victim and silence them in the abuse cycle. It belittles and bullies the victim into believing their rights, needs, wants, and emotions are not valid and to steer the victim toward only serving the narcissist’s needs instead.

Good cop, bad cop. In negotiations, predatory individuals often use a “good cop, bad cop” tactic to destabilize their target. This is when they bring in other people or stakeholders to shift the dynamic of the negotiation, pitting another person or a group of people against the target to overwhelm them into meeting their own needs, while minimizing the needs of the victim. One person may play the good cop who claims to want what’s best for the victim, while the other harshly enforces “the law” to ensure the victim doesn’t attempt to get what’s due to them. In comparison, the offers of the “good cop” may look better, when in reality the victim is still making concessions without much promise of reciprocity. This tactic can also be used to gaslight the victim into believing that what they are asking for is outrageous when in reality it is the bare minimum. In the realm of romantic relationships, “good cop, bad cop” is usually expressed in the form of triangulation or jealousy induction – pitting people against one another keep the to victim on edge and to provoke the victim into competing for the narcissist’s attention and affections. | Shahida Arabi is a published researcher specializing in narcissistic traits and psychopathy and the bestselling author of four books, translated in 16+ languages all over the world.