The Reason Narcissists Love Bomb and Devalue Their Partners So Easily, According to Psychology

How is that narcissists and psychopaths can love bomb their partners so heavily, only to suddenly withdraw, devalue, or attempt to “replace” one person with another? Why do you feel like the narcissist or psychopath no longer “sees” you, is bored with you or that you cease to exist when you challenge the narcissist’s ego by standing up for yourself? Psychologists have a surprising answer to these questions.

You’ve heard of the phrase, “out of sight, out of mind.” But did you know it applies to the mindset of narcissistic and psychopathic individuals? Object constancy is a term to describe the ability to maintain a consistent perception of objects or people regardless of whether they are physically present or if there are changes to their behaviors, emotional states, or appearance.  For example, children exhibit object constancy when they begin to realize that when their parent has left the room, they have not abandoned them and will usually return. Adults have an expanded sense of object constancy in their relationships, as they are able to still maintain bonds and relationships to people even during minor, temporary conflicts or experiencing emotions of being upset at the person. Psychologists have suggested that narcissistic people can have a distorted sense of emotional “object constancy,” in relationships, which means they can devalue people they once put on a pedestal quite easily because they refuse to hold the simultaneous state of loving and maintaining a bond with someone, while also being upset with them.

However, as a researcher specializing in narcissism, I would say it’s more accurate to include that not only do narcissists have a distorted sense of object constancy, they also lack empathy and have an excessive sense of entitlement. These are the driving forces behind their harmful and aggressive behaviors. “Out of sight, out of mind” applies to them emotionally because if their ego is harmed or sense of entitlement rattled, they begin to devalue the very partners they once love bombed heavily without much empathy or remorse, not caring how building a close relationship with someone and then suddenly pretending that person doesn’t exist may affect the other person.

Why Narcissists and Psychopaths Love Bomb People Intensely, Only to Devalue Or Seemingly “Replace” Them

This lack of object constancy, lack of empathy, and distorted emotional permanence is also what drives narcissistic and psychopathic people to pit people against one other and maintain a harem of people to “play” with. They seem to devalue other people at the drop of a hat to pursue someone or something they deem more novel or exciting at a moment’s notice.  Narcissists do this because they are attracted to status and prestige, so they’re always on the lookout for people who can boost their image. They place people into categories of “high value” and “low value” based on what these people can do for them or offer to them at the time. That is why it may seem arbitrary and off-putting when they once put you on a pedestal, making you feel important and cherished, only to suddenly pursue another target.

People who were married to narcissistic individuals can attest to the shock and betrayal they experienced, when, after being the object of the narcissist’s affections and hyperfixation, they were suddenly devalued or triangulated with another target. Or, partners of narcissists share how they experienced the rage, gaslighting, stonewalling or silent treatment of the narcissist when they stood up to the narcissist, because the narcissist does not allow themselves to keep both states of, “I still have a close relationship with this person and love them,” and “They have hurt my ego,” in mind at the same time. Narcissistic individuals often opt to focus instead on how that person has challenged their ego and entitlement, rather than focus on how this bond can be improved with their partner’s feedback, or create an even stronger bond with more trust and vulnerability.

The Psychopath’s Boredom

Psychopaths take it even further, as they are prone to boredom and sensation-seeking: as a result, they become easily irritated and bored of the people they may have spent months or years building close bonds and relationships with. Their lack of emotional depth means that while these bonds may look and feel very close and intense and especially feel that way to the individual being love bombed, psychopaths can still grow bored of them, no matter how exciting or wonderful their partners are or how much ecstasy the psychopath derives from love bombing people. To the psychopathic individual, such bonds are merely alliances that can be devalued or discarded at a moment’s notice when the target does something to challenge their sense of superiority, and while both narcissists and psychopaths enjoy the euphoria of love bombing their targets, they are often in search of novelty, even when they are in loving relationships with incredible people. The partners they love bombed often express the sentiment of, “I don’t know how this happened. They were so devoted to the relationship and to me one minute. Then suddenly they’re running off with their secretary or comparing me to their new friend in a way that seems to suggest that friend possesses all the qualities they once praised me for.” It’s almost like the narcissist or psychopath no longer “sees” them or they cease to exist.

This pursuit of novelty, and lack of empathy or object constancy, is one of many the reasons narcissistic or psychopathic people can ruthlessly devalue and mistreat the people who have long been in their corner with such ease. If you are in any kind of relationship with a narcissist or psychopath, it’s important to recognize that their primary loyalty is to themselves, no matter who appear to be choosing. Take heed of the red flags and build a strong loyalty to yourself as well and trust your instincts – do not let toxic people make you loyal to them if they are not putting in the same kind of commitment. Be willing to “betray” toxic people when they have shown you time and time again they are willing to throw you under the bus for their agendas or on a whim. Shahida is a graduate of Harvard University and Columbia University. She is a published researcher and author of Power: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse. Her books have been translated into 16+ languages all over the world. For more inspiration and insight on manipulation and red flags, follow her on Instagram here.