When we think of the difference between genuine kindness and the social veneer of “niceness,” it would be wise to remember the difference between words and actions, charisma and character, patterns and persuasion. Narcissistic and psychopathic individuals specialize in the façade of “niceness” because they know it is an incredibly useful social tool to meet their needs and agendas. Here are four behaviors you should look out for if you suspect someone may be saccharine sweet, but also covertly sinister in their motives toward you.
They underhandedly retaliate when their sense of entitlement or ability to exploit you is challenged with a boundary.
A narcissistic person will appear to be on your side when you’re bending over backwards to meet their needs. However, when you set a healthy boundary with them, or limit their exploitation of you, they tend to retaliate due to their excessive sense of entitlement and lack of empathy. Some do so more covertly. For example, if you tell your spouse you’re going to graduate school and will have less time to do housework and require childcare or effort from your spouse, your narcissistic spouse may pretend to acquiesce with these new arrangements, but then subject you to the silent treatment or deliberately neglect to take up their half of the labor. Or if you tell a narcissistic friend that you don’t appreciate their insulting jokes toward you and would appreciate if they could be more mindful, they may apologize, but start spreading rumors about you to the rest of the friend group, or still continue to make covertly snide remarks with even more ferocity after you’ve set that boundary to deflate you.
They pit you against other people, especially people you’ve already expressed discomfort about, and pretend to be innocent when called out.
When a person with narcissistic or psychopathic traits is envious of you or feels threatened by you, or perceives you’re “too out of their league,” they like to specialize in comparisons and create the illusion of competition for their attention and affections. They may make you feel cherished at first with their sweet love-bombing, but then also sneak in covert love triangles. A narcissistic dating partner may start constantly bringing up their ex in passing, emphasizing qualities and traits they want you to feel undermined by. Or they may covertly flirt with someone they know you dislike, just to see you squirm. This is a deliberate form of jealousy induction meant to destabilize you, and gain power and control – for more vulnerable narcissists, it’s also a way to compensate for their own insecurities.
They consistently play the victim in situations where they violated you.
Emotional manipulators tend to use sob stories whenever they’re held accountable for their inappropriate behavior. That is why, after they’ve verbally or emotionally abused you, they’re quick to bring up the woes of their childhood (even if they know that you too had childhood trauma but don’t behave that way), the girlfriend or boyfriend who neglected them in third grade, and the way you dared to stand up for yourself when you fought back against their manipulation. To them, such accountability and responsibility is akin to a Shakespearean tragedy. Be wary of anyone who harms you consistently and pretends it is an accident or misunderstanding, and also turns the focus back to them immediately when called out. While it’s true that humans in general can be a bit defensive when held accountable, if this is a chronic behavior and pattern of them harming you and then playing the victim, this is certainly no accident.
They set you up for sabotage, while pretending to support you.
A narcissistic manipulator who seems nice will pretend to support you while underhandedly setting you up for sabotage behind your back. For example, a narcissistic classmate who feels threatened by your academic success may feed you misinformation on a group assignment so you end up underperforming while they come out on top. A narcissistic partner could feign cheering you on in your health and fitness goals, only to encourage you to neglect workouts or your new eating regimen by bringing home decadent food as soon as you’ve announced your goals, because they do not want you looking “too good” or feeling too confident lest other suitors tempt you. Or a jealous narcissistic co-worker may compliment you on a daily basis, all while feeding misinformation about you to your superior to make themselves look good and secure that promotion. The agenda is at its core the same: they want control over you, and they want to ensure they surpass you.
If you are assessing whether the person you’re dealing with is a genuinely kind person or a “nice” narcissist, trust your instincts. Do their words match their actions consistently? Do they take accountability for any actions that have harmed you – and make the necessary changes to ensure they do not harm you again? Or do they seem to continue to trample on your boundaries with even fiercer devotion once you’ve set these boundaries? Do they play the smallest violin for themselves if you bring up their behavior, or do they take your feedback as crucial insight to improve themselves in healthy ways? If they’re jealous or envious, do they take the steps to sabotage or support you? These questions are necessary to ask if you are around a potentially toxic person. You deserve to be free from manipulation and thrive in healthy relationships and friendships. Shahida is a graduate of Harvard University and Columbia University. She is a published researcher and author of Power: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse. Her books have been translated into 16+ languages all over the world. For more inspiration and insight on manipulation and red flags, follow her on Instagram here.
