The pick-up artist aims to seduce and date people who they consider to be out of their league or resistant to their advances. Manipulation appeals to them because such tactics allow them to hold onto power and control in the dynamics of dating. Similarly, narcissistic individuals also manipulate and exert control over others. There tends to be an overlap in the manipulation tactics both narcissists and pick-up artists use to dominate their targets. Here are five tactics you need to watch out when you’re dating someone new, according to an expert.
Negging.
If a dating partner covertly insults you or gives you a backhanded compliment, it’s usually a neg designed to tap into your insecurities and make you more susceptible to their romantic advances. This is known as “negging” and it is not just a narcissistic manipulation tactic – it is a common manipulation method of pick-up artists. While some view negging as playful teasing, it’s often weaponized in far more brutal ways in the dating world. If, for example, your date says something like, “Nice earrings. My grandmother wears those,” or “That dress is quite brave,” or, “You’re an engineer? Do they just let anyone into those programs?” this is a sinister way to undermine you, so you feel motivated to prove yourself or win your dating partner over. While negging won’t work on everyone, research does indicate that lowering someone’s self-esteem can make them more compliant to your requests. If you are being negged or feel on edge around a dating partner, it’s important to detach. This is not someone with the maturity to connect authentically with you.
The dread game and love triangles.
The dread game is designed to instill a chronic fear of abandonment and uncertainty about the fate of the relationship, to create the fear of losing someone. In the dread game, both narcissists and pick-up artists deliberately try to provoke insecurities and jealousy in you by emotionally withholding, subjecting you to the silent treatment, engaging with other romantic prospects, or being otherwise ambiguous about their commitment to you. By putting you in a perceived competition for their attention or affection, they can manipulate dating partners who they may not get the attention of otherwise. They try to “demonstrate value” by pretending they are willing to walk away at any time, even if they have no intention of leaving and are just manipulating you to feel that way. That way, no matter how amazing of a person you are, they get to have you feeling off-kilter and ready to bend over backwards trying to please them. Narcissists prey on your fear of abandonment by staging break-ups (knowing very well they don’t actually intend to break up with you) or evoking jealousy in their partners, so that you comply with their demands out of the fear of losing them.
If you want a particularly strange example of the dread game or hurt-and-rescue tactics at work, think of the episode in It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia where Dennis uses the “D.E.N.N.I.S. System” to try to win over the affections of the pharmacist he’s dating, Caylee. After supposedly “demonstrating value” and “engaging physically,” with Caylee, he “nurtures dependence” in Caylee by prank calling her pretending to be a hostile neighbor and putting her in a sense of danger so she relies on him for a sense of safety. He “inspires a sense of hope” by having passionate sex with her, only to immediately emotionally neglect her afterward.
Physical escalation or “kino escalation.”
When it comes to first dates, pick-up artists engage in what is known as “kino escalation.” This is when they begin to push the boundaries of physical touch to get you more comfortable with them. The idea is that as a woman’s physical boundaries are gradually and subtly pushed, she becomes more open to the idea of sleeping with her dating partner. Quite an exploitative way of thinking. Pick-up artists may put their hand on your leg, brush hair out of your eye, or say presumptuous remarks like, “You want to kiss me, don’t you?” when it comes to kino escalation on the first date. They may even claim things like, “I hate it how women are judged and shamed for their sexuality these days. They should feel liberated to do whatever they desire.” This is, of course, not actually reflective of how they feel – they just want to make sure you feel “empowered” to sleep with them.
Premature emotional intimacy and the “7-hour” rule.
Both pick-up artists and narcissists push for premature emotional – and physical – intimacy. Some use the “7-hour rule” for dates to prolong dates so that the person they’re trying to sleep with feels unusually connected to them. Narcissists and pick-up artists love bomb you into feeling a deep connection with them and disclose personal details about themselves to get you to disclose your insecurities to them, creating a false sense of intimacy that makes you more susceptible to being seduced. Arthur Aron and his fellow researchers found that intimacy between two strangers was strengthened by having them ask each other a series of personal questions. As they note, “One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.” If you notice your dating partner asking you intrusive questions, trying to make the date night longer than usual, or pretending the connection between you two is a lot more advanced than it actually is in the early stages, be sure to cut the date night short. A person who authentically wants to get to know you will not usually bond with you in such a fast-paced manner unless there’s an agenda. Resist disclosing personal details when a date reveals intimate information so prematurely. Remember that anything and everything you tell a narcissistic individual or pick-up artist can and will be used against you – whether it’s used to get you in their bed or to mess with your head.
Anchoring and neurolinguistic programming.
Anchoring and neurolinguistic programming can be weaponized for manipulation by pick-up artists and narcissists who want you to associate them with a feeling of “reward.” For example, they may ask you on a date to recall your happiest childhood memory and ask further details to intensify your state of joy. During that time, they may touch you or whisper a certain phrase in your ear, or even kiss you, to get you to associate this external “anchor” to that internal state. This is a way to condition you to feel safe and joyful with them whenever they’re seducing you. Or, they may get you to associate a certain song, scent, or place with them, or perform a grand romantic gesture to make themselves memorable to you (such as kissing you at your favorite park, so you always associate them with that location and are reminded of them). To resist this tactic, think critically about why a dating partner may be asking you to disclose such details, only to physically engage shortly after. If it feels and looks like manipulation – or even if it feels covertly sinister – that’s because it usually is. Shahida is a graduate of Harvard University and Columbia University. She is a published researcher and author of Power: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse. Her books have been translated into 16+ languages all over the world. For more inspiration and insight on manipulation and red flags, follow her on Instagram here.
