Pretending to be innocent when called out on repeatedly harmful behavior – and continuing that behavior, regardless of how many times you express those boundaries. Narcissists will deliberately fail to take your expressed boundaries, preferences, and requests into account, continually repeating harmful behaviors despite initially pretending to understand your perspective and behaving innocently when confronted. Narcissistic and psychopathic people can experience a kind of duping delight when they fool, con, and manipulate others. When they first learn how to most effectively provoke you, they store that information as ammunition to use against you later. When you respond by holding them accountable, they may apologize or promise to change, acting as if they did not know such cruel behaviors would offend you. However, this becomes a form of subtle gaslighting when they end up repeating that same behavior, time and time again, despite being told to stop, and don an aura of faux innocence to cover up their crimes. For example, a narcissistic romantic partner or friend may start making cruel comments under the guise of a “joke,” and might apologize once you call them out, only to repeat such jokes multiple times no matter how many times you’ve expressed such a boundary. They may pretend to be innocent of intending any harm and label you as “overreacting” when you identify this pattern. That is why enforcing boundaries and not just expressing them by detaching from narcissistic individuals is often crucial to the healing journey.

Treating you like the most important person on earth one minute, only to make you feel like you don’t matter the next – and then blaming you for daring to express your emotions about this behavior. Narcissistic and psychopathic people tend to have a distorted sense of emotional “object constancy” in addition to their lack of empathy and excessive sense of entitlement in their relationships. This is the “out of sight, out of mind” philosophy at work – they may love bomb you excessively in the beginning of the relationship, only to behave as if you cease to exist once you’ve challenged them, or pursue other easier, more convenient targets they feel are easier to control. This can be quite a bizarre and disorienting experience for their partners, friends, and loved ones who feel an intense lack of acknowledgement that is out of the realm of normal. Some survivors of narcissistic people note that their narcissistic partners would deliberately ignore them in social settings when speaking to other people or frequently disappear for prolonged periods of time, forgetting to touch base with and acknowledge their loved ones and partners altogether, only to later gaslight them into thinking they were being “clingy,” “paranoid,” “crazy,” or “needy” called out on their behavior or when asked about their whereabouts.

Stonewalling or the silent treatment in response to valid questions or concerns. When narcissists attempt to evade accountability or constructive discussion, they tend to default to behaviors like stonewalling and the silent treatment. This is when you raise valid concerns, only for them to shut down such conversations or give you the silent treatment as punishment. Such manipulation tactics are designed to silence the victim into not speaking up in the future. For example, if Miranda questions her husband Bob where he was all night when he comes home stumbling in drunk at 4 am, he may aggressively remind her to stop asking questions, tell her she is crazy, or retreat to bed without a word. If Lawrence opens up to his girlfriend Jessica about the fact that he is feeling insecure in the relationship because she’s been spending a great deal of time with her ex, she might respond coldly, only to subject him to the silent treatment and gaslight him into thinking he’s the problem for voicing these concerns at all. These are all ways of making the victim feel as if they don’t have a right to voice their perspectives, set healthy boundaries, or stand up for themselves.

A depraved lack of appreciation and reciprocity to your generosity, followed by blaming the victim for expecting even the bare minimum. No matter what you do for a narcissist, they can treat you quite callously if they feel their ego has been challenged or their entitlement questioned, or when their agenda has been met for exploiting you. Perhaps a family member or romantic partner love bombs you whenever they need or want something, and you are generous to a fault – yet when you finally set healthy boundaries or ask them for something, they suddenly withhold attention and kindness when they don’t receive what they desire from you, or pretend like your requests are excessive when they are the bare minimum, gaslighting you into believing you’re asking for too much from them. Or a friend treats you very well in the beginning, heaping on tons of praise and support to make you feel cherished and loved, only to suddenly withdraw and treat you with cruelty after you’ve loaned them money and their true agenda has been met. This lack of appreciation can be baffling and bizarre, especially if you’ve gone out of your way to meet the narcissist’s needs.

An unwillingness to acknowledge and validate your emotions, followed by accusations of you being “crazy” or “oversensitive” if you have any emotions at all. A narcissist’s lack of empathy means they can behave indifferently to your emotions, no matter how much tact, compassion, and politeness you employ when expressing your emotions. Often, survivors feel like they are not seen and heard in the relationship even if they were initially treated well in the beginning. That’s because narcissistic people often wear a false charismatic mask that enables them to behave in empathic ways toward their partners to reel them in – until they’ve gotten you invested in the relationship in which case they’ll behave as if acknowledging or validating your emotions is an enormous feat they’re suddenly not capable of, conveniently enough. Despite expressing your emotions to them, they may proceed to act like your emotions don’t exist or is irrelevant to them, or pathologize your emotions to make you feel like you’re crazy or overly sensitive for having them at all. | Shahida is a graduate of Harvard University and Columbia University. She is a published researcher and author of Power: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse. Her books have been translated into 16+ languages all over the world.