Love Actually

This one is an oldie but a goodie: Love Actually (2003) tops the list as one of the most popular yet problematic Christmas movies in movie history, featuring a variety of toxic situations under the guise of “love conquers all.” The initial premise of the movie is heartwarming: it begins and ends with the infamous scenes at the Heathrow Airport where people are welcoming their loved ones with open arms, setting the scene for the multiple plotlines of the diverse “love stories” we’re about to see. Yet these love stories tend to border on unhealthy and toxic, even though they are wrapped up with an all too convenient bow at the end. You have the love triangle among Harry, Karen, and Mia – where Harry is happily married to Karen, a stay-at-home mother – yet he entangles himself with a disturbing affair with Mia, his young secretary. Karen’s devastation when finding out about the affair by discovering Harry’s Christmas present for Mia is absolutely heartwrenching to witness. Yet Harry and Karen are still together at the end of the movie, and Harry’s transgressions are essentially treated with kid gloves. The underlying message seems to promote the idea of staying together for love and the children despite betrayal.

The love triangle among Juliet, Peter and Mark also seems to hold a similar message: it’s totally okay to serenade and make the moves on your best friend’s wife whose wedding you documented because of “love” and it’s totally okay for you to kiss your husband’s best friend when he makes this declaration of love– regardless, you’ll end up with a spouse of your own despite it all that will serve as your second choice. Yay! Not. You also have Jamie and Aurelia, who are physically attracted to one another but cannot speak the same language; Jamie proposes to Aurelia even though they’ve never really had an actual conversation where they both understood each other. Romantics may find this exhilarating and claim that love transcends language, but healthy skeptics see it for what it is: a mutual physical attraction that ends up in a premature engagement with no real solid foundation for deeper connection. Are they really in love, or just limerence that hasn’t yet faced disillusionment yet by actual communication? Love and marriage are treated as the endgame in all these scenarios, rather than healing, high standards, or even happy singlehood. From bosses having affairs with young coworkers to women essentially being treated like objects while men are magically rewarded with foursomes, Love Actually definitely does not resonate with modern audiences. The movie may be outdated, but the tropes and problematic messages persist.

Something From Tiffany’s

Something From Tiffany’s (2022) has the perfect set up for a Christmas romcom, but with a perverse twist: the couple’s main obstacle is the fact that they’re both still in relationships with other people. Gary and Ethan (played by Kendrik Sampson), the respective boyfriends of Rachel (played by Zoey Deutch) and Vanessa (played by Shay Mitchell), accidentally mix up their jewelry gifts from Tiffany’s when Gary is hit by a car. In the process of helping Gary to the hospital, Ethan’s engagement ring for Vanessa is switched with Gary’s earrings for Rachel. When Ethan and Rachel meet at the hospital to visit Gary, sparks fly and a romance ensues, and the audience is taught to normalize the fact that these two people should spend a suspicious amount of time deeply connecting to each other and exploring their chemistry despite being already partnered to other people.  Later, Rachel and her actual partner Gary are both surprised by his Christmas gift – a diamond ring that does not belong to either of them. Gary ends up going through with the proposal nonetheless and Rachel says yes, even though she is still flirting with Ethan (who hasn’t broken off things with Vanessa, and takes the opportunity of giving her the wrong gift to pursue his feelings for Rachel). This sets up the “wacky” and hilarious (not really) scenario of the couples finding out how a simple switcheroo of Christmas gifts led to a full-blown emotional affair.  What fun, right? Actually, it’s wildly problematic.

Perhaps the most toxic part of this popular Christmas movie is that viewers are encouraged into celebrating an emotional affair on screen because “true love” is more important than betraying the partner you’re unjustly treating as a placeholder.  The movie seems to drive home the fact that so long as cheating does not escalate into physical intimacy, exploring your options while in a committed relationship can lead you to true love – in other words, don’t let your boyfriend or girlfriend stand in the way of your future husband or wife, and it’s totally okay to use other people while you’re searching for your soulmate.

The idea of anyone cheating on their long-time girlfriend, let alone cheating on Shay Mitchell (even though cheating is rarely about the person being cheated on and more about the character of the cheater, if you’re dating Shay Mitchell, you’re definitely going to regret it), with a random woman from New York just doesn’t sit well with some viewers. Not to mention the problematic trope of using gorgeous women of color as “disposable” stand-ins for the “true” soulmate of the protagonist, or using them as side characters, props and “best friends” rather than main characters.

The male protagonist simply fails to deliver beyond his good looks – and his wandering eye and sudden investment in a complete stranger is a turn-off. A man of integrity would have broken off a relationship he didn’t want to be in a long time ago before wasting a woman’s time and potentially proposing to her, and similarly, a woman stuck in a half-hearted relationship would be better off being single and working on her healing instead of mooning over a man ready to pursue the next best thing at a moment’s notice. What’s to prevent the male protagonist Ethan from falling head over heels with another woman he meets in a different city in the future and emotionally cheating on Rachel? Realistically, nothing – and in real life, that is exactly how it works. Get with a cheater and you’ll end up being cheated on. 

The Holiday

The Holiday is another film about Christmas romance that could benefit from a reevaluation and some slight adjustments. Two women, Iris Simpkins, a columnist in London played by Kate Winslet, and Amanda Woods, a movie producer from Los Angeles played by Cameron Diaz, are cheated by their boyfriends. They experience break-ups around the same time and decide they need to get away for the holidays. But rather than doing inner work and healing, they fall headfirst into their next relationships when they switch homes for two weeks during the holidays. Iris falls for Miles (played by Jack Black), a Hollywood composer who works with Amanda, while Amanda conveniently falls for Iris’s brother, Graham (played by Jude Law) after what was supposed to be a one-night stand. At the end, both couples live happily ever after despite the fact that the male leads are somewhat problematic. Graham seems like a womanizer as he discloses he rarely calls women back but is suddenly willing to change for his “dream woman,” reiterating the harmful myth that emotionally unavailable men can suddenly morph for the “right” woman. Jack Black’s character Miles is meant to be endearing and funny but is flirty with Iris even when he has a girlfriend and creepily objectifies her.

The trope of “fated meetings from serendipitous, quirky circumstances” is perhaps what captivates viewers in this film and this movie is certainly a lot more charming overall than some of the other movies on this list, but the movie centers love and romance in a way that drives home a potentially toxic message. If you’re going through a break-up, it’s likely you won’t be and probably shouldn’t be meeting another significant other shortly after. Exceptions do exist, but usually space and time are needed for healing. Singlehood is not some miserable prison one has to endure before jumping straight into a relationship – often, especially for women, it can be even more beneficial than marriage, especially a toxic marriage. During the holidays, it’s important to know that you can thrive and experience joy regardless of your relationship status. If anything, we need more movies depicting single women who actually enjoy the holidays regardless of their relationship status, are free from the stress of holiday breakups, free from worrying about cheating, or being with a bare minimum man just for the sake of having a relationship during Christmas. Now there’s a holiday movie we would love to see.

EXmas

EXmas (2023) stars Gossip Girl’s Leighton Meester and Robbie Amell, and features a pretty adorable storyline – at least, in the beginning. Leighton Meester’s character, Ali, is still deeply close to her ex’s family despite her breaking off an engagement with Graham (Robbie Amell). When wires get crossed and Ali is invited to Graham’s family for Christmas, Graham shows up unexpectedly and the two battle it out for who can be the “winner” of attending Graham’s family gatherings as neither want to “share.” This battle only ends up in these two finally communicating about their issues in the relationship and reuniting, despite trying to make each other jealous with other partners. The manipulative nature of both characters may be lighthearted on film, but it would not translate well in real-life contexts. The movie itself features a pretty immature yet loveable battle between exes that would be quite toxic if it took place in real life, albeit against the backdrop of a hilarious and loving family that loves them both. It’s not that exes can never get back together and overcome issues if they’re both willing to do tremendous inner work – but usually, there’s a reason why an ex is an ex and you’re often breaking up for very valid reasons. In real life, if a toxic ex is reaching out or trying to reconnect during cuffing season, it’s a red flag that they’re using you. If the holiday season is making you reminisce about a toxic partner, it’s far better to keep that door tightly shut and spend the holidays with people who truly appreciate and cherish you.