In the fifth annual study on American singles funded by Match.com, anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher surveyed 5,600 single people and pointed to a “Clooney Effect” of men who expressed interest in marrying an independent and successful woman; in fact, 87% of men claimed they wanted to date a woman who out-earned them, was more educated than them, and was more intelligent. However, this expressed interest often differs from the real-life actions of men toward smart and successful women in the dating world. While there are certainly men who genuinely support their smart and ambitious partners, it’s no secret that smart and successful women tend to frequently run into insecure men in the dating world who are envious of their success. In many studies, researchers have found something astounding: while men generally claim they admire intelligent and successful women, they are actually more threatened by these women when they encounter them in real life. This is not to say that women should ever dial down their intelligence to gain the approval of men; on the contrary, learning about this research can help you to be more aware of and identify which potential mates actually “walk the talk” when it comes to supporting your ambition and intelligence.

Researchers Lola Park and colleagues (2015) conducted six studies to determine whether men exhibited attraction to women who outsmarted them on verbal and math tests. The majority of men in one of the studies expressed a preference for the women who outsmarted them when these women were spoken about as a hypothetical scenario. However, when men actually took the test near a woman sitting next to them in real life and was told she had scored higher than him, he was less likely to express romantic interest to this woman and shift his chair to create more physical distance from her. When a woman was said to have scored lower than a man, he was more likely to bring his seat closer to her and express romantic interest.

Some Men Love Intelligent Women in Theory – But Not in Real Life

In another one of these studies, men were told about a hypothetical woman down the hall they never met who outperformed them on an intelligence test and told to imagine them romantically. Again, they expressed hypothetical interest. But when they were given an intelligence test and presented with a real-life woman who had surpassed them on this exam, they did not pursue her, and were more likely to express romantic attraction to the woman who had not exceeded them. They rated their feelings of masculinity as lower when they felt outsmarted and felt “inferior” in the presence of such a woman, and opted for the less intelligent option. This previous finding is aligned with a study which showed that more intelligent hypothetical individuals were perceived as more masculine and less feminine, revealing an implicit bias in the way intelligent women may be perceived – even the most “feminine” presenting woman can be seen as more masculine due to their intelligence and achievements. Interestingly, in the same study, men also tended to overestimate their own intelligence moreso than women.  However, due to a lack of introspection, some men may misattribute their lack of romantic interest to other nonexistent factors in the women that do not identify his ego to be the main problem. Basically, they might tell themselves that the woman who outsmarted them was problematic in a way she wasn’t to convince himself he didn’t feel threatened by her.

In another study by Raymond Fisman and colleagues at Columbia University,  single men and women participated in a speed-dating event where they went on dates with each other and then rated the attractiveness, intelligent and ambition of their prospects. Women expressed more interest in going on a second date with men who exhibited intelligence and were twice as likely as men to do so. Unfortunately, men generally only expressed interest in women they felt were equally intelligent and felt threatened when women were more ambitious or intelligent than them. This reveals that while women generally are more than happy to have an intelligent mate, men generally feel less romantic interest when they’re face-to-face with a woman who outsmarted them or surpassed them in achievements. And it’s not just intelligence we need to look at either: there’s a gender bias in the evaluation of humor too. Studies have shown that while men prefer women who laugh at their jokes and fail to appreciate humorous women, women tend to prefer men who have a good sense of humor and can make them laugh (no wonder so many women are drawn to funny men). Damn! Even the women with comedic genius can’t catch a break from the patriarchy.

What to Do With This Information

So what do we do with these findings? It’s clear there’s a gender bias and pattern of misogyny that can unfairly punish intelligent and successful women for exhibiting admirable and desirable qualities in the dating world. It’s also clear that too many men tend to group and objectify women in a way that does not take into account that they are multifaceted, complex human beings just like they are; they tend to box women in one category before getting to know them and do not recognize that smart, successful, attractive women have many sides to them. One important step is not shrinking yourself to please a potential dating partner. Someone who feels insecure about your success and intelligence is not going to be a healthy, compatible partner for you in the long-run.

At best, they have some serious underlying misogyny and self-esteem issues to work through before they can have the privilege of being with you. Essentially, they need to unpack harmful beliefs and attitudes that make them feel so threatened by women who surpass them and instead admire these women just as they would admire their fellow male colleagues or friends. Instead of competing with a woman, they would have to learn to build a partnership with her. At worst, they are a narcissist with malicious envy who will tear you down, even going so far as to sabotage your accomplishments and deflate your confidence on the daily according to research. Neither is an inviting prospect. To the smart and successful women out there, it’s true you may run into additional difficulties, biases, stereotypes, and wounded egos in dating. However, don’t confuse your experiences with what you truly deserve. You deserve a partner who is appreciative of your intelligence, unique gifts, sense of humor, multifacetedness and strengths. You deserve a partner who celebrates your achievements and is your biggest cheerleader – someone who knows how to put their ego aside to tap into their empathy. You’ll never need to “dumb” yourself down for a man who is truly worthy of you.