I’m Moving On, Despite How Much I Want To Stay

I never thought it would come to this and I wholeheartedly wish it didn’t. This isn’t what I wanted by any means—but I guess they have a point when they say the things we want and the things we need are never really the same.

Because I wanted things to work out for once. I wanted a beginning instead of another ending. I wanted this emotional rollercoaster to be worth it. I wanted you to be the person I built you up to be in my mind. I wanted to know your indecision was nothing more than your fears getting in the way. I wanted to believe that your mixed signals were some sick and twisted signs from the universe. I wanted you to see a future every time you looked in my eyes. I wanted us to have a fair chance. I wanted you to prove me right. But, you never did.

I know now that you were never the person I needed you to be. Because I needed someone who made me a priority instead of a backup plan. I needed a person who was sure about their feelings for me. I needed someone who wasn’t going to make me second guess every little thing. I needed someone who wasn’t toxic for me. I needed someone who cared about what I had to say, instead of someone who jumped at every chance to silence me. I needed someone that actually deserved my love. And, you never did.

So, I’m through convincing myself that this will eventually be everything I thought it would. I’m done persuading myself to hold on for just one more day. I’m waking up from this nightmare I keep pretending is a daydream. I’m choosing to see things for what they are instead of what they could be. I’m accepting that we could have turned into something beautiful, but letting go of the hope that we ever will. I’m realizing that when they say love is a waiting game, they don’t mean you should wait for someone to come back to you- they mean that you should wait for the one who won’t leave you in the first place. I’m moving on because you never cared enough to stay. And, you never will.

I’m moving on because I finally know my worth. I’m moving on because my soul, body and mind are begging me to. I’m moving on because I’ll never be able to envision a future where I am happy if I keep myself stuck in the past. I’m moving on because I no longer feel guilty for putting my heart on the line time after time. I’m moving on because I finally know that I was never the crazy one in all of this. I’m moving on because it’s time to do something for myself. I’m moving on because if I don’t, I’ll never give myself a chance to find the things that are meant to be. I’m moving on because you and I never were. I’m moving on because no matter how much I want to stay, deep down in my heart, I know we’ll never be.

And I know it won’t be easy, but nothing worth doing ever is. I know there will still be days when you occupy my mind. I know the memories of you will always be somewhat alive. I know the ache won’t go away overnight. I know there’s no catalyst for moving on from something that once made you feel alive. I know it will be messy. I know I’ll probably crack and message you randomly just to see if you reply. I know I’ll still torture myself by playing those same damn songs. I know you’ll be easy to forget one day and harder to resist the next.

But, I will learn to take things slowly. I will learn that my happiness is worth taking my time on. I will learn that moving on is a chance to work on myself. I will learn that I will come out of this stronger than I ever was.

Moving on from you might not be linear, but it is a path I deserve to take.