Okay, I Still Think About You (But Not In The Way You Think)

It’s true. You still cross my mind. You have for a while now. I’m not denying this fact. In a world where people are replaced at the drop of a hat, you were the furthest from that. I guess I’ve been fixating on the wasted potential between us — that’s what hurts the most. Within these reflections are hidden concoctions of regret, confusion, and nostalgia. Nothing I can say will take from the fact that you did actually mean something to me, even if your actions in the end should have dampened any emotion I had toward you.

Yes, I still think about you. But don’t get it twisted.

I’m not doting over you. I’m not crying into my pillow every night while thinking of our last conversation. It’s nothing like that, believe me. There are moments when I’m alone with my thoughts and I’m retracing things I could have said differently, done differently. Maybe if I had suppressed some of my thoughts that one time, we would still be in contact. Maybe if I had been a little less opinionated or withdrawn from saying certain things, we’d be catching up on the weekends. Maybe if I could undo something I said about you, it would have stopped the entire relationship from unravelling. Maybe if I were to tread more lightly, things would still be good between us. But that’s a whole lot of maybes.

I’m beyond sick of backtracking in my mind to times when I could’ve acted differently with you in hopes of things remaining civil because when I think about it, you could have too. It’s a two-way street, and you should know that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. You could’ve been more understanding, more empathetic, less defensive. You could have taken time to see things from my perspective. And I know I’m not perfect; there are a lot of things I do in fact regret.

But I’ve lived underneath that umbrella for too long and replayed so many situations between us that it simply wouldn’t be feasible if I were to go back in time and rewrite those tiny mistakes. It would only have prolonged the inevitable.

But here’s the thing: If you were meant to be, you would’ve looked past all that. You would have accepted the person I was at that time because it would have been enough. You would have overlooked things, behaved in another way. I only acted the way I did based on your cues. I was carrying myself a certain way because I felt things underneath the surface that you hadn’t cared to explain. I’ll admit, I’m still a little bit upset at the entire situation and how quickly it came together and fell apart. I guess accepting it and wishing for it back for a sense of nostalgic comfort are two separate things. That’s not to say I’m holding out for either, but I’m trying to come to terms with it.

So I do still think about you and what we could’ve been. But not in the way you think.

Author and poet writing about the dark and the light.

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