The wounds might be fresh for you right now, or you could be drinking your second glass of scotch on your bedroom floor with tears streaming down your face. You’ve convinced yourself that you shouldn’t miss them, that you have no reason to cry over them or still be hurt over their actions. Maybe they treated you wrongfully, and maybe you know they’re not thinking about you on the same level that you might be.

I’m not going to tell you to stop missing them or to snap out of it. I’m not going to recommend that you do things to get your mind off them, even though that does help sometimes. I’m telling you that you must allow yourself to feel the hurt, the sadness, the sorrow, the regret.

Whichever situation you find yourself in, I’m telling you to allow yourself to miss them. Feel it all.

If you’re missing them, there must be a reason. Even though you might not want to admit it to yourself, you’re missing something from that past relationship or friendship. But here’s the thing: You might not even be missing them.

You could be missing yourself.

You may be missing the happier version of yourself when you were with them—that person who was carefree, bubbly, and wild. Before the expectations weighed heavily on your shoulders; before the stress of the world caught up to you. Maybe you’re reflecting on those times when you’d be confident wearing singlet tops and sunglasses down the street, when now you’re finding it a menial task to simply walk outside your house. Or maybe you’re viewing them with rose-colored glasses, because we all know in hindsight, everything looks that little bit sweeter. But you know what, truthfully, you could also be missing them because they genuinely were a lovely, warm person that a part of you is always going to love. And that’s okay.

I need you to remember that as long as you’re longing for this person, there are wounds left to heal. I need you to take solace in this fact instead of running away from it. I want you to think about them as much as your mind allows you to and try and pinpoint what you’re missing to see if you can instead give it to yourself. Reflect on those times to find out what you did differently. Maybe you felt super confident when you dyed your hair bright red. Maybe you partook in more activities or sports. Maybe you were more in tune with nature and you went for more walks. I’ve found reflecting in this way helps with reconnecting with those parts of yourself that you miss—the parts that happened to be tied in with those people that used to be in your life.

You miss them. You miss parts of yourself. You probably miss a little bit of everything, and that’s why you’re so hurt. But you must not shy away from feeling the way you do. It doesn’t mean you haven’t moved on if you catch yourself thinking about them, darling. It simply means you’re a human being. Your feelings are normal, and you should allow yourself to feel the entire spectrum of emotions, for healing is ongoing and you owe it to welcome old feelings. You must be gentle during the process.