“Here is the truth: It is hard to be in love with someone who is in love someone else. I don’t know how to turn that into poetry.” – Clementine Von Radics
I do not exaggerate when I say this week alone three of my casual friends have messaged me asking for advice and/or poems regarding their similar romantic situation, that is wanting to move on from someone already in a relationship. Last week there were two smh.
One female friend avowed, “Hook-ups never work!” whereas one guy simply said, “I’m eating like there’s no tomorrow but the food is all salty from all my tears.”
IDK if it’s the season of semi unrequited love, but to anyone currently in love with an individual already taken (and is constantly torn up about it) let me attempt to shake you to your senses and explain why you need to stay far, far, far away from amorously unavailable people.
THOU SHALL NOT CHEAT
“We were cheating ourselves when we opened
Pandora’s box without thinking, when we thought
we could kiss without our teeth breaking.” – Sade Andria Zabala, Modern Mythology
I get it. You’re full swing love-bugged. You know cheating is morally unacceptable but are willing to make an exception in this case because, hey, it’s YOU. You deserve love and though it may come at the expense of the oblivious significant other, you still want your man/woman. You believe with all your heart and genitals that it will work.
I won’t preach to you that cheaters deserve to burn in hell because there are a few nice couples who met each other whilst married to another partner. Maybe they’re your soulmate, right? Maybe this is it? Maybe you’re one of the exceptions?
Maybe. Possibly. Potentially.
You know what’s sure, though? You being an awful person right now. That’s right, you’re being a cunt. Look, your feelings are VALID and no one should dictate how you feel. You can’t control who you love, but you can and should control what you do about it.
Maybe you already fucked. Maybe you only kissed. Maybe you merely went on a couple of innocent dates and it’s “just emotional cheating.” I don’t give a crap. I generally don’t care what people are doing with their lives so as long as what they do isn’t harming others. In this case, you are.
Him/her making you happy doesn’t negate the fact he/she is, and by association you, dishonoring the relationship with their partner. Even if they mention their relationship has not been great in a long while, it doesn’t make it okay. That’s something THEY need to resolve themselves as it’s THEIR relationship.
Cut and dry the person you love is cheating on the person they claim to love with you. Respect yourself (and the other man/woman) enough to confront them, “What does this mean? What are we? Are you really going to break-up and be with me? Should we stop? Are we or aren’t we???” Solely messaging your friends will get you nowhere as the answers lie not with them but with the jackass who thinks it’s okay to have his/her cake and eat it, too.
Oh, that feeling you have there? That’s called guilt. Explore it, examine it, understand it. Don’t justify it.
THEY ARE NOT COMMITTING TO YOU
“I do not want you if you only want me with the lights off.” – Sade Andria Zabala, Worst Kept Secret
Raise your hand if they’ve already told you they’ve “fallen out of love” with their partner, you’re “really the one” they love now, and they’re “thinking about breaking-up” with their bf/gf.
But they haven’t. But they’re waiting for the “right time” to do it. But they’re fearful about hurting their spouse.
The only way to end this hanging-in-the-air situation is to give them an ultimatum: me or her? me or him? Choose.
You won’t though. You won’t because you’re scared they’ll choose their partner instead. Comfort, familiarity, security over a risky new love. Nevermind the paranoia you might experience if you do ever get to be in a publicly acknowledged relationship because if they cheated on their partner, what’s to stop them (or you?) from cheating on you, too?
Are you mentally and emotionally prepared for that possibility? “Yes, Sade, because I do believe this is a special circumstance. He gives me butterflies, he makes me feel alive, and we have this connection.” Again, I don’t care.
Be a grown-up and fix your own mess instead of tip-toeing around its edges. If something physical already happened between you then don’t repeat it. Talk out your situation and what you plan to do with yourselves.
You were not sculpted from the fertile earth to be strung along on thin wire. Your ancestors did not bleed for you to be weak under the threat of inconstancy. Do not wait for him to make a decision – demand better and you will receive better, whether it be him/her choosing you or you being left to find a stronger love.
CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS
“You are enough. You’ve ALWAYS been more than enough, but to the wrong people you’ll always be inadequate.” – Sade Andria Zabala, Open Letter To The Ones Who Are “Never Good Enough”
Join a yoga class. Read a self-help book. Exercise your brains out.
Basically undertake anything that can help you train yourself to be in control of your impulses, desires, and emotions. If you decide moving on is the best road for you, you can’t just bide your time until the motivation to move on finally falls on your lap. Your feelings won’t just magically dissipate – you have to force yourself to stop feeling anything for them.
It’s easier said than done but DISCIPLINE YOURSELF, DISCIPLINE YOUR VAGINA. (or dick)
You seek out him/her because you wish to constantly enjoy the sensations running from your heart, to your veins, to the rest of your entire self when you’re with them, but all of that is just emotion.Your body and affections are not a currency to pay off the brief moments they make you feel good. You are who you are regardless of how others make you feel.
ARE YOU ALSO THE PROBLEM?
They may or may not be taking advantage of you as a fun distraction, but let’s face it: they get to have you and their partner simultaneously. While they’re figuring out what to do they get to explore the benefits of being in a fresh affair with you and also have the convenience of being in an established relationship. And you’re allowing him… And while you’re in pain over the consequences of allowing him these comforts you’re asking me and others for advice…
To quote Amy Winehouse, “What is this fuckery?”
You feel like you’re a rebound yet you don’t want to talk about your situation with them, you don’t want to bring it up. Be ready to keep feeling like a rebound then! I can literally prattle every cliché advice but any effort is useless if it’s falling on willfully deaf ears.
Besides, sometimes when we ask advice we already know whether what we’re doing is morally good or bad. Sometimes we’re not looking for advice but, instead, confirmation that we’re not assholes, or authorization to act impudently in the name of self-gratification, or permission to make the choice we really want despite our conscience telling us it’s too selfish.
Don’t be a masochist and a martyr – there’s nothing romantic about uncertainty. And only you can quiet the disquiet in your heart. No one else but you and him can settle the unasked questions and tormenting doubts circling above your heads like vultures.
Stop procrastinating the health of your soul. Stand your ground and make a decision: are you going to be one of his secrets? Or are you going to be a golden opportunity he shouldn’t walk away from?
“Turn the lights on, baby.
I want to be the secret
you don’t know how to keep.” – Sade Andria Zabala, Worst Kept Secret