I’ve been a relationship writer and coach for over 15 years and the precursor to my career was being an absolute and utter dating disaster. Dating is tough and if you don’t properly tend to the relationship you have with yourself, you will get pummeled and feel hopeless, and frustrated. You may even adopt the faulty belief that you are flawed and unlovable.

While the idea of finding love and companionship is often painted in a rosy hue, the reality can be quite different. Here are some harsh dating lessons and relationship truths that many people encounter along the way. Hopefully, by learning about them in this article, you’ll spare yourself from learning them the hard way IRL. 

1. Love Alone Isn’t Enough.

The idea that love conquers all is a romantic notion, but in reality, a successful relationship requires more than just love. It demands mutual respect, trust, communication, and effort from both partners. 

And love cannot conquer fundamental incompatibility or a lack of effort on either side. For a relationship to last, both parties need to be in it and committed to making it work.

2. No Man is Ever Really Worried About Ruining the Friendship.

If a man says he doesn’t want to date you because he doesn’t want to ruin the friendship, what he likely means is, “I don’t want to date you, and I want to give you an excuse that won’t hurt your feelings.” It’s a harsh reality, but understanding this can help you move on and seek someone who genuinely wants to be with you.

3. Sometimes Someone Can Suddenly Change Their Mind About You.

So you’re dating someone and it seems to be going amazing. They’re really into you, you’re really into them and you can’t help but get really excited about all the possibilities. And as your excitement continues to mount and you start to settle into this state of bliss… the other person ghosts or pulls back or ends things. The abrupt change almost gives you whiplash. How could this happen when everything seemed to be going so well?

Well… sometimes someone can simply change their mind. Maybe at first, they thought this was a good match but in time realized it wasn’t. It does not mean there is something wrong with you. It just means they realized you are not the right person for them.

4. The Common Denominator Between All Your Toxic Exes is You.

This can be a tough pill to swallow, but if you find yourself repeatedly in toxic relationships or choosing toxic or emotionally unavailable partners, it’s essential to reflect on your patterns and choices. Understanding why you’re attracted to certain types of people and addressing any underlying issues can help you break the cycle and seek healthier relationships.

Emotional maturity is realizing that you are not a victim and in some ways, can be the architect of your own misery.

5. The Reason They Gave For The Breakup Isn’t The Actual Reason.

Very rarely will someone tell you the absolute truth about why they no longer want to date you. They will give you some other reason to soften the blow. One of the most infuriating can be when someone says: “You’re too good for me.”

I mean, if I’m too good for you then shouldn’t you be thanking your lucky stars that I’m so into you?? You would think… but that’s not really what’s going on. Instead, what they usually mean is: Objectively, I feel like I should like you and want you, but for some reason, I don’t. They don’t mean you deserve a better partner, they mean you deserve a better love than what they can give you. 

The excuse is just a way of softening the blow of rejection, but it’s crucial to take it at face value and move on.

6. You Can’t Win Them All.

Not everyone is going to like you, and not every person you want is going to want you back. It’s a hard and frustrating truth, but such is life. Rejection is a part of dating, and learning to handle it gracefully is key to maintaining your self-esteem and continuing your search for a compatible partner.

7. When a Guy Says He Doesn’t Want to Be in a Relationship, Believe Him.

When a guy says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, he most likely means he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. It’s a difficult truth to accept, but recognizing it can save you from wasting time and emotional energy on someone who isn’t interested in a future with you.

Don’t try to get him to change his mind by proving how amazing you are. If he doesn’t already see it, he’s not your guy!

8. Self-Love Is Essential.

Before you can fully commit to loving someone else, it’s vital to love and respect yourself. Many people seek relationships to fill a void or validate their self-worth, but this often leads to dependency and unhealthy dynamics. Cultivating self-love ensures you enter relationships from a place of strength and confidence

9. Healing Takes Time.

It’s frustrating and at times agonizing, but there is no shortcut to healing after a breakup. I know it feels like this is neverending like you are boxed in by the pain and there is no way out and you are just going to live in this box of pain for the rest of your life. But trust me, this too shall pass.

Heartbreak and the end of a relationship can be incredibly painful, and healing from it is a process that takes time. Rushing into a new relationship as a rebound or trying to suppress your feelings can prolong the healing process. Allow yourself the time and space to grieve and heal properly.

Dating and relationships are filled with lessons, many of which can be tough to learn. Embracing these truths can help you navigate the complexities of love with more wisdom and resilience. Remember, every experience, whether positive or negative, contributes to your growth and understanding of what you truly need and deserve in a relationship.