When He Ghosts and You Reach Out Anyway

If a guy ghosts he’s just not that into you… or is he??

Allow me to clear up any confusion by telling the tale of the time I got ghosted and decided to reach out to him anyway… and the chaos that ensued and life lessons learned.

It was a Saturday morning, I stepped off my bed and into inches of water. Huh? It turned out my roommate’s boyfriend clogged the toilet in the middle of the night and didn’t say anything and now the apartment was flooded.

The maintenance staff advised we get out of the apartment for the day while they got the situation under control so I decided to pass the time by day drinking at a bar with some friends.

While we were out I spotted a really cute guy. He was at the bar ordering drinks so I edged my way in right next to him, some flirty glances led to flirty conversation and we had liftoff.

My friend and I spent the day with him and his friend bar-hopping all over the West Village. I couldn’t quite tell where he stood, it seemed like he was into me… but then it seemed like he was into my friend… and then it seemed like he wasn’t into either of us,

I was confused and doing my best to get this guy to like me because he was just so cute and I felt something shift in me… and I hadn’t felt anything shift since my ex and that was two years ago.

And somewhere in the middle of my confusion, he kissed me! I was ecstatic, bursting at the seams.

Day turned to night. I had to meet my family for dinner and he convinced me to come back out afterwards to hang out that evening. I obliged and ended up spending the night at his apartment but explained to him only because my apartment was flooded with toilet water and I didn’t want to go back there. We spent a chaste night together and then got breakfast the next morning. It really felt like we had gone on five dates within the last 24 hours and it seemed like maybe this could actually be something.

We made plans to see a movie later that week and off I went, feeling thrilled by how radically my life had changed in a mere 24 hours… from waking up in toilet water to having plans with a really cute guy who made me feel all fluttery!

One day goes by and I don’t hear from him… but that’s OK because it’s only a day and it’s not like we’re dating, I don’t need to hear from him every day.

Another day goes by…. Maybe he just doesn’t want to look desperate.

Another day goes by…. Maybe I should friend him on Facebook so he remembers me? (I friend him on Facebook. He doesn’t respond).

Another day goes by…. Did I misunderstand something? Did I do something?

It is now Thursday morning. We were supposed to see a movie that night. I have two choices… just let this go… or take the shameless route and ignore conventional wisdom which would say he’s just not that into me.

I go with the latter because he was cute and I liked him and I never like anyone… he made me feel something that I didn’t even know I had the capacity to feel anymore after the number my ex did on me. We had fun together… he was into me, I know he was! I wasn’t dreaming, he was into it. Maybe he got scared, maybe he didn’t save my number, I don’t know what happened but I will fix this.

A sudden wave of boldness takes me over and I call him. Yes, call not text.

He answers sounding confused.

“Um, hi. It’s Sabrina. I just wanted to know if we were still on for tonight…”

“Oh, um, hi, yeah, um, I don’t know. I mean, I guess?”

It’s painfully awkward. It’s clear he’s regretting his decision to answer the phone. But now I’m committed to this. It’s happening.

We decide to go to dinner instead of a movie. He’s waiting for me in the lobby of my apartment and I see him before he sees me, and he just looks miserable, like he doesn’t want to be there at all.

I take a few breaths and cheerily greet him.

By the time we’re outside the building, his demeanor changes. He grabs me, gives me a passionate kiss, and says, “ I forgot how pretty you are.”

Huh?????? Is that why he didn’t call me? Did I look bad in the morning after a day of drinking with my makeup all smeared? He also mentioned that I should change my Facebook profile picture because I look a lot better in person… maybe he thought he had beer goggles when he was with me and that’s why he didn’t call??

I brush off any feelings of being offended or insulted… I am here to fix things! And boy does it work.

While we’re at dinner, he falls in love. He’s looking at me intently, then he apologizes for not calling. He says something about having a busy week and he’s sorry.

I remain cool as can be, totally unfazed. “Don’t worry about it,” I say with a coy smile.

The confidence, the easy breezy attitude… I don’t recognize the person I’ve become but I like it. I’m also pretty proud of myself for going out on a limb, for taking that chance and calling him after he forgot about me. Screw conventional wisdom, I broke the rules and I won!

After that we started dating… and at first, it was great.

But then there was a shift….

Another shift, but this time in the opposite direction. All of a sudden he just didn’t seem so into it. All of a sudden I felt like I had no idea where we stood. All of a sudden I felt like I was chasing the relationship.

I was hearing from him less and less… and there was a marked de-escalation.

Then he would disappear for a week or weeks at a time. But he always came back… and I always took him back without question. I won him back once before and I’ll just keep doing it!

But then he really disappeared. Several weeks had gone by with no word. I was defeated and dejected but I wasn’t going to debase myself by calling him. I would move on with my head held high. But then he called me out of the blue one night…

As soon as I saw his name appear on the screen, I forgave him. Whatever the reason for his disappearance, I could get past it.

But he wasn’t calling to apologize. Oh no…. He had actually called me by accident thinking he was calling some other girl he was clearly dating. He hung up the phone on me as soon as he realized his mistake. I just stood there, my jaw on the floor.

I called him back, hoping for an explanation. He didn’t answer. I text him saying something to the effect of. “Hey- that was really weird. I think you owe me an explanation after all the time we’ve spent together.”

I never heard from him again.

So what’s the moral here?

Well…. If I had just allowed him to ghost me the first time around I would have spared myself from the second heartbreak, which was very devastating and humiliating!

The fact is, he just wasn’t that into me. He did like me… he just didn’t like me enough. When we met at the bar and I couldn’t tell how he felt… that’s because he didn’t know either! When a guy likes you, it’s obvious!

Then when he was a few drinks in, whatever amount of interest or attraction there was grew and it became a thing. When he was sober again, it was gone and he just didn’t feel that pull to see me because again, he just wasn’t that into it. And maybe he also thought I looked ugly in my Facebook picture!

But then I had to go and mess with the natural order of things. I called him… and in spite of himself, he humored me and showed up. And then I’m not sure why, but some of that interest started to grow. I think part of this had to do with my confident demeanor. While I was far from confident at the time, I did present myself as such when things started up again for round two… I also had a lot going on in my life and with my job so I wasn’t at my usual level of neediness and he was into it.

But your true self will always emerge (this is why playing games and “the chase” is never a sustainable strategy) and at the time I was emotionally messy and insecure and very young and he simply lost interest. It happens.

If you’re in a situation where you are doing most of the chasing or pursuing it’s just not a good sign. If that’s the dynamic you’re in, pull back and see what happens. If you just never hear from him again… well there you go.

A lot of the time what happens is a passive reciprocation loop. Basically, you  reach out and he responds… and he’s really nice… but if you stop contacting him you would probably not hear from him again.

And if a guy ghosts… there really is no reason to reach out. No response is a response.

If you want an explanation for why it happened and why he lost interest (or why he made plans to take you to the movies and then vanished!) … well you won’t get one from him! He probably doesn’t even know why he lost interest or didn’t feel a pull toward you. That’s just how these things work sometimes.

The most important thing to do is not let this rejection define you. It doesn’t mean anything about you. It is not confirming the worst fears you have about yourself.. that you’re unworthy and unlovable. It just means that this wasn’t your person… and he happened to receive the clarity before you had the chance to but eventually you would have seen it too!