Why “Interested” Men Disappear

So you were dating a guy… or maybe still in the “talking phase” and he seemed super into you. And you like him too which makes it even better! And just when you were starting to get excited about the possibilities of what lay ahead … he seems to be losing interest. Or maybe he flat-out ghosts you. And you have whiplash from this sudden, unexpected turn of events.

You’re hurt, you’re upset, and you’re angry… mostly at yourself because surely you did something wrong here. Everything was going so well… how could it change so abruptly? Maybe you pick yourself apart, maybe you replay every interaction, maybe you rip yourself to pieces, and berate yourself endlessly for pushing away what could have been the love of your life.

Stop. That isn’t helping, it’s only hurting you.

This is the truth about what makes a super-interested guy lose interest.

1. You were trying too hard to win him over.

There is no greater turn-off than desperation.

Trying to win a guy over is never a good strategy and rarely works. This is why I’m sure you’ve noticed that the guys who seem to fall for you the hardest and quickest are the ones you aren’t so interested in … it’s because you’re not trying to impress them, you’re not really doing anything!

When you see a guy as a prize to be won it puts you in agenda mode. Your agenda is to win him over, that is your goal and you measure every interaction with him in terms of whether it takes you closer to or further from this goal.

You can’t just be present and connect with him. You’re weighing everything you say. You’re writing and re-writing texts and sending them to your girlfriends for approval before sending them to him.

Guys aren’t anti-relationship. Guys will get into a relationship with a woman who brings out the best in them and who they feel great being with. But if you communicate to him that a relationship with him is going to be some kind of life-preserver or crutch or key to being happy, he will definitely not want to pursue a relationship.

Also, when you try to win someone over, the message you’re essentially sending is: “I think I’m unworthy of you so I’m going to work extra hard in the hopes that you don’t notice or that I can compensate for what I lack.”

2. He was never that into you in the first place.

Don’t mistake flirtation and a little bit of attraction for all-out interest. Or maybe he is interested in you … but it just isn’t enough to sustain a relationship.

It looks like he’s losing interest, but he really was never in that place of liking you enough to want a full-on relationship with you. And that’s OK. That’s not a loss.

The reason it seemed like he was so interested in the beginning is that he was trying to win you over… that’s just a natural part of courtship. His behavior isn’t so much a reflection of how much he likes you, but rather his way of getting you to like him. In the beginning, he can’t possibly know you well enough to truly like you. In the beginning, all you have is the potential of what could be.

Dating is merely a discovery process, it’s not a measure of your worth or worthiness. So what looks and feels like him losing interest, is really just him discovering you’re not a match.

3. You’re choosing the wrong men.

If you notice that guys keep disappearing on you and every guy you date seems to be a “commitment-phobe, it may be time to take a closer look at who you are choosing and why.

If you keep choosing guys who can’t or won’t give you what you want … then you’ll never get what you want!

If he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now or is ambivalent about his feelings toward you, or he’s just a selfish immature guy who can’t be an equal partner in a relationship, then move on!

Don’t try to play savior here.  I understand that you and he have crazy chemistry (side note: the chemistry you feel with a guy you can’t have is made up mostly of the anxiety and fears he arouses within you, punctuated by shots of elation and validation when he acts loving toward you) … that he has all these qualities you want in a man … that it’s so hard for you to find guys you actually like, but if you stay in this situation, you’re just wasting your time and you’re going to come out of it a little more broken, jaded, and wary of men.

It’s important to look within and look at your patterns. If you only choose guys who can’t love you… then maybe you feel unworthy of love. A lot of these feelings are rooted in childhood. So think about what emotional needs weren’t being met as a child and how this is manifesting in your adult relationships.

4. Your vibe is off.

Your vibe is essentially what determines how attractive you are. A vibe is something created within that radiates outward. We can call it a vibe, or we can call it a mindset, it’s the same thing essentially.

If you’re stressing and obsessing over the relationship, he will pick up on it and it’s not attractive.

Worrying about a relationship like this activates your fears and insecurities. You’re worried he won’t reciprocate your feelings and you will be alone once again. He has come to represent something bigger than just being a guy you like. It’s possible you’re attaching feelings of worth to him and subconsciously believe that if he chooses you, then that will mean you are worried. No wonder you’re so nervous… you have a lot at stake here!

Men fall in love based on how they feel around you. If he feels pressured, there is little room to feel anything else because the pressure suffocates the life out of any attraction or interest that was there.

The best relationship advice is to focus on your internal state, rather than on making him feel a certain way about you.

5. You don’t connect with who he truly is.

The secret to standing out in a sea of endless options is to connect to someone at their core. To connect to their shadow self… not with the mask they wear out in the world.
It’s very easy to fall in love with the idea of who someone is- he’s handsome, smart, charming, smart, etc. But that list can describe millions of people! What is it you like about him? What makes him unique and special? What do you know about him that you can’t discover from his social media accounts?

It comes down to this: Can you connect to him at his core? Do you see who he truly is?

This is the kind of woman who stands out from the rest, this is what makes a man look at you in a different light. Are you just checking boxes off a list or are you genuinely interested in building a meaningful connection? Are you connecting with him as a person, or is he a means to an end for you… a means of feeling worthy and good enough.

No man wants to feel like he’s filling a slot that any other guy could occupy. He wants to feel chosen because of how great he is, not because you want a boyfriend and he’s good enough for the job.

Sabrina Bendory is a writer and entrepreneur. She is the author of You’re Overthinking It, a definitive book on dating and self-love.

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