You don’t have to be crying all the time or having suicidal thoughts in order to know that you have depression. No one knows what’s happening inside of you, because it doesn’t always show on you. Sometimes depression can be feeling like you just can’t listen to anyone anymore, or pretending all the time that you’re listening while you’re not because you just don’t have the capacity to actually listen any longer. It might be not having the energy for anything or anyone. It might be not being able to give or receive anything—it’s like you’re just existing.
Depression can be smiling and engaging in conversation just out of politeness. It can be having the constant urge to be alone, sometimes letting it consume you so much that you don’t even fight it any longer. It can be about feeling drained the whole time. It might be about you having ideas to do stuff yet but never going through with it because you just don’t feel like doing anything at all. It might be about you failing to find the motivation or energy to drag yourself out of your bed every morning.
It might be not wanting to express your emotions, whether it’s sadness or rage, because you just feel like it’s pointless. It might be feeling exhausted and drained all the time, even if you haven’t done anything productive or that tiring all day long. Even the simplest everyday chores seem so heavy.
Sometimes our depression can be silent, and that doesn’t make it any less valid. Sometimes depression is not being your usual self or not wanting to be around your loved ones or not having the energy to love or be loved. It can be not wanting to do things you love; to be more accurate, it can be like not wanting to do anything at all.
Many of us don’t confront ourselves with the fact that what we’re dealing with is really a form of depression because it doesn’t quite look sad. But depression doesn’t have to always look sad, nor does it have to be loud. It doesn’t have to be the sound of you crying your heart out every night. It doesn’t have to be looking like a wreck or miserable. It doesn’t have to be totally breaking down. Sometimes it’s about what you constantly feel deep within you, not what you show to the outer world.