I am not a ‘just talking’ kind of girl. I am not a casual, situationship, friends with benefits kind of girl. I am not someone who is okay with minimal effort, with someone who wants to discover each other through our phone screens, with so much space between us. I am not someone who chooses emojis over the look on his face when he tells me something which makes his eyes sparkle or tear up, when he shares something personal with me.
I am not the kind of girl who can be in something uncertain and unclear, who can exist in a situation which has no clear future, no clear intentions, no clear promise of what is to come. I am not the kind of girl who thinks that ‘just talking’ is a label with any kind of value to it- who is happy with the mediocre, with minimal effort, with no understanding of boundaries and expectations.
I am not the kind of girl who can be in something casual, who is able to not get attached to the idea of people and the potential they let spill out of themselves and into me. I am not the kind of girl who won’t hang on your every word, who won’t over-analyze it and drive myself crazy trying to figure out what your vagueness means. I am not the kind of girl who doesn’t think about the future, who doesn’t think about every step which happens next, who doesn’t play out moments before they happen and become fully invested in the stories I tell myself late at night about you and us, and where this could end up.
Because I want a love that is sure, that is certain, that is not afraid to label something for what it is. I am the kind of girl who wants someone who will plan a date which is specific to who I am, someone who knows what excites me, what moves me, what will make me laugh, what will have me calling my friends up as soon as he leaves to gush about how incredibly romantic the evening was. I am the kind of girl who wants him to pick me up from my apartment with a bunch of a flowers and a smile, someone who is willing to make those small efforts which just don’t seem to exist in this messed up world of modern dating we have now.
I want someone who will tell me where they see things going, who will tell me that they want this to become something serious and who will make every effort to ensure that shows in how they treat me. I want someone who is on the same page as me- every day and who will tell me when they’re not. I want someone who has enough respect for me that they would never call what we have ‘just talking’ because ‘just talking’ is nothing; it suggests casual, no feelings, no intentions. It suggests minimal effort, minimal investment. It suggests placing someone on the back-burner for an ego-boost at 2am when he’s stumbling home alone and is in need of some female attention and maybe to ask for a nude. It suggests always having that line of connection open with someone to talk to about their day, to complain about the morning commute, to entertain them when they wait in line for their coffee, when they’re bored at work, when they’re stuck at home on a Friday night with their hands down their pants.
Just talking is not a relationship step, it is not courting, it is not dating, it is not ‘seeing each other’, it is not romantic, it is not something worthy of anyone who knows what they deserve and what they should wait for. Just talking is a way of someone having their cake and eating it too, of filling gaps in time when no one else is there to warm their bed.
So I am not a just talking kind of girl, I am a traditional, fairy-tale, old-fashioned, Derek and Meredith kind of girl. I am someone who wants effort, romance, the chase. Someone who wants to be more than a ‘hot girl’ who looks good in someone’s inbox.
I deserve to feel special enough to be taken on adventures, to be kissed at sunrise with a coffee placed in my palm and conversations about my dreams. I deserve so much more than to be ‘just talking.’