Being honest is scary, especially when that means hurting the person we love most in this world. Being honest can feel like the end because most of the time, a lie is better than the truth, most of the time, a lie can save us.
But over the past few months, I have learned a lot about honesty and deception; I have learned that sometimes the harshness of an admitted mistake can be the one thing to pull you back from the edge you have been hanging on to for so long. I have learned that if someone begs you for the truth because deep down they know that truth, perhaps better than even you, you should give it to them.
You should be big enough to admit your wrong-doings and be prepared to take that long journey back to their forgiveness. Mistakes are mistakes- they are actions we commit in a split second. They are drunken kisses in bars when alcohol steals our loyalty from us. And they are things we felt guilt for immediately.
Mistakes are things which happen only once, which are clouded with regret and guilt, with wanting to rid that action from our history, to erase, to forget, to rewind time and make the better choice.
But a lie, a lie is a repeated wrong choice, a lie is selfish. A lie is making a decision for the person you claim to love so they won’t leave you. A lie is pushing that guilt away from you but continuing to pretend to be the person she believes you are. A lie is not wanting to admit what you have done, it is not being prepared for the way she will look at you when she learns of your betrayal, a lie is not wanting to put the work in to fix it.
Honesty should always come immediately after the fact, honesty should always be the response when questions are asked, honesty should be your gut reflex, it should be your only choice.
Because you don’t lie to the person you love. You do not do something you know will break her and then break her again by lying.
Because silly boy, lying takes away everything. Lying will mean rebuilding trust on a broken foundation. Lying will mean texts late at night when you’re out with your friends asking you are with and when you will be home. Lying will mean deleting any perceived threat from your social media and losing the ability to claim she is being unreasonable. Lying will mean her suspicious face when your phone vibrates and her constant desire to search through your phone when you shower.
Lying will mean losing the person you love and replacing her with someone paranoid and unsteady, insecure and irrational, hurt and unpredictable. Lying will mean the end, an end which could be avoided by admitting and fixing, by trying to show her that you hate yourself more than she ever could.
Because she deserves that. She deserves so much more than lies and blame-placing, more than being called “crazy” and “insecure” only because she can see past your bullshit and that terrifies you.
She deserves more than to always feel like you are only giving half of yourself when she is giving everything. She deserves to feel like she is worthy of the truth and she deserves to be the one who makes the decision about your future. She deserves to be given the chance to heal, no matter how messy or chaotic or ugly that healing might be, she deserves to find her way back, even if that isn’t to you.
You don’t get to micro-cheat or cheat for real or flirt or do any number of things you know will hurt her and then lie to her face about it. You don’t get to have your cake and eat it too. You don’t get to decide what she can handle.
And if she finds her way back, if you are lucky enough to be given a second chance, know that she is trying, every day she is trying to trust you again. She is trying not to think LIAR every time you open your mouth, she is trying not to let her world fall apart around her when you go for a night out with the lads, she is trying not to imagine all of the girls you are texting when you sit on your phone, she is trying to heal.
So if you make a mistake, if you break something beautiful, do the right thing and be honest about it. Give her the chance to forgive you, give her the choice to still be with you, give her all of the time and the space and the reassurance she needs to come back, to heal, to love you when you failed to love her.
Give her the chance because you owe her that.
You owe her so much more than that.