Dear Best Friend, Thank You For Existing

Dear Best friend,

I often find myself looking back on my life and realising how much of a vital part you have played in keeping me steady when the rest of my world has been falling apart. How you have known what to say and do in the moments when I have felt all control slipping through my fingers. Even if it’s just dropping everything and taking me for coffee and listening to me try to untangle the mess of thoughts raging war inside my head.

You have been the quiet voice encouraging me on the days when I feel like everything I touch turns bad. When I have felt like giving up, when I have questioned every decision I have ever made, it was you who convinced me I was on the right path. You have been the hand against my back, guiding me every step of the way, when the road has seemed too dark and too long and just too far out of my reach.

You did not let me falter or stop or turn around.

You have been there at four am when he isn’t replying to my texts or we’ve had an argument and he has fallen asleep pressed against the bedroom wall, miles from my body, you have replied as if you have absolutely nothing else to do, as if you do not have a partner and a child who need you too.

You have made me feel as if it is only me who matters, even if I am being selfish, even if it is silly drama; you have made me believe it still counts.

You have been the person I know I can talk to about anything, whom it is perfectly acceptable for me to say my bitchy thoughts out loud to and discuss inappropriate things with. Nothing is off limits with you, there is absolutely no parts of myself I shield from you because I know you love them all, I know that there is nothing about me that is too much for you, even when it is for other people.

You have spent hours crammed into tiny train carriages and fighting your way through London underground during rush hour just to spend twenty-four hours with me- hours filled with laughter, wine, horrendous amounts of calories and a long night with no sleep, just conversation about everything and nothing. You have cancelled plans last minute to show up to events I absolutely cannot attend alone because you know sometimes my social anxiety cripples me, you know because you feel it too and whenever it hits like a hurricane, your hand slips into mine and I feel as if I won’t get swept away, not this time.

And when I met you, it felt as if I had known you my entire life.

Within a matter of days we knew each other’s histories like the back of our hand and we were already throwing insults at each other. You remembered how I take my tea, my Starbucks order and exactly what it takes to calm when I’m having a bad day.

You just fit in, like the missing jigsaw piece to my life and I knew that no matter what happens now, you’ll always be here because it wouldn’t be right without you.

Best friend, I guess what I’m trying to say is thank you. Thank you for existing, for being everything I need, for being someone I always look forward to seeing, who makes me want to rearrange schedules just to have half an hour talking over coffee- even about the mundane things.

Thank you for days wandering around the city, window shopping and laughing and planning exciting dates months from now. Thank you for making me feel steady, for being the person I want to text straight away whenever something hilarious or amazing or sad happens, for your words being the only ones that matter.

Thank you for just being you, for knowing exactly what to say and when to say it or quite simply, when to say nothing at all, when all I need is to be held.

Thank you for those days when the rest of the world is against me, for making me feel less alone. For believing every silly dream which enters my head and being excited for me about things which no one else understands. Thank you for always validating my emotions, for taking my side, for telling me when I’m wrong, for being honest.
Thank you for saving my life in that quiet way which doesn’t demand recognition but hell, deserves it anyway.