I envy the couples who know where they’ll be in five years. The calm security of certainty, a life which will always have room for the two of you.
But for us I see packed out tube stations and the wave of your fingers as my train leaves the platform, and your face becomes blurry until it’s merely a dot in the concrete landscape. I see our bodies tangled together in your college bed and me stealing the t-shirt you slept in just I can feel close to you when you’re miles away.
I see you rubbing at your tired eyes as you slave over your work after a weekend lost to our love for each other. I smell the coffee on your breath which you swore you’d never drink because the lives we now have demand you to be all in. I see sleepless nights beside an empty pillow and waking up to the realization that you’re still not here, but there, without me.
I see phone calls late into the night when we both know we should be sleeping and whispers of “I love you” and “I’ll see you soon”. Words which I’ll replay over and over until sleep eventually finds me. I see days marked off on my calendar until the next moment I’ll be in your arms and the bitter sweet taste of ‘goodbye’ on my lips as the weekends are stolen too quickly from us.
I can even feel your lips pressed to my head before you get lost in the crowds and the distance swallows me again. I see it all every time I close my eyes. Every time we speak of the moment when you’ll leave. I can feel my heart already breaking; just a few cracks around the edges before it completely shatters.
Tears have already escaped my eyes in the quiet moments when I’m alone and I don’t have to pretend that I’m strong, and that my love for you is completely selfless.
The dreams we have are too big for the both of us, our paths merely wind in out of each other but never join for too long. But the thing is, I would choose this broken path and the few stops in-between over the certainty of forever with someone else. I’ve been choosing you ever since the day we met, too stubborn and reckless to give up on something that me feel so alive. So, my love, I will keep choosing you and the uncertainty forever, even if forever doesn’t choose us.