I had an inkling in the beginning when everyone you ever loved before was too caught up in flashy things. When I looked at them and couldn’t see who they really were behind their colored faces. I knew girls like them made fun of girls like me for being too simple, for focusing more on who I want to become than what I want to look like and I wasn’t sure if secretly you were like them too. If maybe part of you liked that I didn’t look like any of them. If maybe a part of you liked that I didn’t look like you.
And then I started noticing the way you talked about the ones who moved you. How you liked mind games and the chase. How you only fell for the ones who manipulated you. How your love was destructive and your attachment was unhealthy. I thought maybe you’ve outgrown these games. Maybe you finally realized that your type was not working for you. Maybe you stopped looking for the right kind of love in all the wrong places but then I realized that guys like you seldom change and they have that type for a reason. You treat love as a game, you take it on as a challenge. You were not looking for another heart to touch, you were only looking for another heart to break.
You were still too caught up in seeking revenge and instant gratification. You were still judging people based on what they wear and what car they drive. You were still impressed by false appearances and fake personalities. You couldn’t recognize what’s real. You couldn’t see beyond certain imperfections because that’s all you were ever used to. But I noticed every time you looked at me trying to spot what I was wearing or what brand my watch was. I noticed how your eyes would light up when I would talk about my accomplishments but not my fears. I noticed how you liked me more when I was being shallow and not as much when I was being vulnerable. I noticed how you enjoyed our superficial conversations more than our deeper ones. I noticed how you slowly stopped noticing me.
But what made me know for sure that you weren’t right for me, was when I would go home after hanging out with you and feel a little bit lost. I would look at myself pointing out all the things you’re looking for that I didn’t have. I would sleep at night feeling like no matter what I say or do, you’re still hung up on other futile things. I would wake up every morning feeling like I’m more myself when you’re not around.
I felt like I had to compete for your love and attention, and that’s how I finally knew you weren’t right for me. When your love felt more like a competition I needed to win. When you made me feel like another number on your list. I finally knew you weren’t right for me when I felt like I’d be a winner if I exit this competition. I finally knew when I felt like I’d find myself more if I lose you.