This Is How I Truly Felt When You Texted Me Again

God & Man

At first, I was happy. It’s wired in my brain that seeing your name on my phone makes me smile. It triggers a sense of excitement within me. It takes me back to the years when your name was all I had to see to feel that everything will be okay. Nothing really mattered as long as I was talking to you.

But then I remembered that it’s been over a year. It’s been over a year of silence and unspoken words and pent-up feelings. It’s been over a year and you didn’t even care to ask how I was doing. It’s been over a year and your name stopped appearing on my phone, even on my birthday.

It’s been over a year and all I heard from you was silence. All I felt was your absence.

I opened the message and started reading your words ‘Hey! I hope you’re well. You just crossed my mind and I just wanted to make sure you’re okay and hopefully we can catch up soon.’

And I could read your selfishness, your sense of entitlement, your ridiculous pride and your inability to apologize or even admit that maybe you weren’t the man you should have been, that maybe it was a mistake that you took my love for granted, that maybe you want to start over but you’re too proud to say it out loud.

Because we’re not friends to catch up, we never ended things on a good note to check in with each other whenever we feel like it. We never really talked about why things fell apart or why we never tried to patch things up again. We just drifted apart. We let the silence take over our words. We let indifference replace the actions we should have taken and we let our love go to waste because we never tried to revive it.

If I’m being honest, we both didn’t do our part. We both failed at keeping the spark alive but the only difference is I never lied to you about what I wanted or how I felt, on the other hand, you always promised things you didn’t do and said things you didn’t mean and disappeared when I needed answers.

Seeing your message reminded me of the last message I sent you that you ignored. The message that I needed you to respond to so I can move on. The message that proved to me that you are a coward.

So when I read your message again, I realized that I don’t want to catch up with you and I don’t want you to check up on me anymore. I’m fine. You don’t get to pick and choose when you want to talk to me. I don’t want to even be your friend because I don’t choose friends who are okay with going over a year without talking to me. I don’t choose friends who make communication so damn hard.

So thank you for your message. I appreciate it. But I’m not responding to it this time and it’s not because you didn’t respond to mine, it’s because I now truly believe that I don’t want you in my life. Not even as a friend.

You will always remain in the past. You will always be a distant memory. You will always be the experience that taught me that I shouldn’t just give my heart to anyone. That my heart doesn’t deserve to be neglected or ignored.

Thank you for your message. It’s been over a year but it has been the best year of my life. TC mark

Rania Naim

Writing. Living. Loving. Dreaming. Healing. Evolving.

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