Everything I Lost When I Lost You

I lost the sleepless nights. The nights of me staring at the wall wondering where you are, what you’re doing and who you’re with. The night of me staring at my phone waiting for a response to a simple message. The nights of me feeling sorry for myself.

I lost my insecurities. The days I wondered why I’m not good enough for you. The times I wondered why you picked her. The times I zoomed in on all my flaws because I was trying to justify to myself why you can’t see me the way I see you. The nights I forgot my own worth and the qualities that make me unique. The times I put you on a pedestal and blamed myself for your inability to love me.

I lost my fears. The fear I had that I could push you away if I said the wrong thing. The fear that you will get to know me and find me boring or unattractive. The fear that you might break my heart one day. I lost my fears because there was nothing I could’ve done to make you stay. You never wanted to stay anyway. You never wanted my love.

I lost one-sided love. I lost one-sided efforts and me constantly trying and initiating while you never lifted a finger, you never appreciated any of it. You expected it. I lost one-sided attention and one-sided excitement and one-sided expectations.

I lost my loneliness. Feeling like I’m in this alone. Feeling like I can’t count on you. Feeling your absence more than your presence. Attending everything alone. Coming up with lies and excuses to defend you. Going home to an empty bed waiting for you to come around.

I lost playing games. Trying to be someone else for you. Trying to impress you so you could see what I see. Trying to act like I’m cool with things that I absolutely resent. Changing myself for you. Forgetting my needs to meet yours.

I lost you and I lost settling for less than what I deserve.

Losing you made me realize that loving you meant unloving myself. Loving you meant being passive, cold-hearted and weak. Loving you meant giving in to half-hearted love, confusion, doubt, tears and heartbreak.

Losing you made me realize that the loss of some people can be the best thing you can do for yourself. Losing some people means winning back yourself, your pride, your peace of mind, your heart, your sanity and your life.

Rania Naim is a poet and author of the new book All The Words I Should Have Said, available here.