I can’t think of a time when my life turned out exactly the way I imagined it would. I visualized a lot of things that eventually manifested themselves into my life but it was never right when I wanted them to happen or exactly how I wanted them to be. And for the longest time, I couldn’t understand this trick of fate, why things happen when they want to, not when I want them to. In other words, why can’t God and I be on the same page?
I keep thinking about the things I have now, the job that I have that I’ve been dreaming of ever since I was fifteen, the apartment that I have now overlooking the city, being free and independent after years of struggling to make ends meet — all those were things I proactively worked hard for and prayed for all my life but they only happened within the last two years, which is what makes them so special, it’s what makes them so valuable to me, it’s what makes me want to protect them and work day and night to keep them because it took years of patience, hard work, anxiety, depression and melodramatic meltdowns to achieve them. The journey definitely wasn’t easy and it still isn’t but it makes me never want to give up on all the things I have now. It makes me want to dedicate all my time to make them better and make them grow.
It makes me want to do things I would have never done had I received everything I asked for on time.
Because back then I was young, reckless and immature. I would’ve probably thought that there is something better out there because in the past I used to think that ‘the grass is always greener on the other side’ now I totally believe in ‘the grass is greener where you water it.’
In the past, I would not have given my all to a job because all I wanted was to get married and be a stay at home wife and mom, but now my career is the only thing I truly want to invest in. My career is the only thing that’s giving me hope, meaning and purpose.
In the past, I would not have moved across the world because I never liked challenges, I liked familiar things, I liked my comfort zone, I liked staying the same but now I’ve changed and grown in so many ways and I’m working on becoming someone I never thought I’d be. I didn’t think I was capable of changing this much, I didn’t think I was capable of working on myself, I didn’t think I could actually change my life without some miraculous magic wand and that’s all the result of life not turning out the way I had planned.
So when I look back on my journey, I feel blessed that life never really went my way, it’s a blessing that it didn’t follow my rules or my direction because I was totally lost. I still am. I think I’ll always be. I find myself more as time goes by but there are still parts of me that are scattered in different cities, different oceans, different dreams, different lives I want to live and I still can’t pinpoint which one I really belong to.
And I guess that’s the only good thing about life not going your way, you don’t have to worry too much about your story and how it’s going to end because life goes the way God has planned and written for you anyway and that will always be a thousand times better than what you had planned for yourself.