I’m learning to trust him instead of trying to change what he has written for me. I’m learning that it’s my story but he’s the director. He’s the one who makes it all come together. He’s the one who makes it all make sense because he’s involved in every aspect of it. He pays attention to the details I miss. He knows the role of every person in my life and he knows when and how to place them. He knows how to arrange the scenes in the right order at the right pace without me trying so hard to get to the end, change the order of the scenes or tamper with the whole essence of the story.
I’m learning to trust him because he’s trustworthy. He catches me when I fall. He saves the day. He stops the storms from destroying me – and that’s something I can never do. That’s something no one else can do.
I’m learning to trust him because he’s still shaping me, he’s still working on me as a person, he’s still trying to let me figure things out on my own and he’s still testing me. He’s testing how faithful I am, how strong I am and how patient I am. He’s testing how much I can take and if it will push me away or pull me closer. He’s testing my ability to trust him and lean on him.
He’s testing me because he knows I’m still not there. I still question things in my life. I still lament my fate. I still look at him and ask why. I still get mad at him and tell him that I’ve had enough and that he’s being too hard on me.
I’m still selfish. I still can’t love him unconditionally. I’m still learning how to give him the love I’m asking him to give me. I’m still learning how to love him even if he doesn’t answer any of my prayers.
I may not always understand him but maybe I’m not supposed to. Maybe we should look at God the way we want our dream partner to look at us. Love him when we don’t understand him. Love him when he’s being difficult. Love him when he doesn’t always grant us our wishes and just love him. Love him more than anyone. Love him more than ourselves. Love him more than the world.
And maybe that’s how you trust God, when you give him your world and your heart, when you tell him all your secrets, when you talk to him before you talk to anyone else because maybe that’s all he wants. You. Your love. Your heart.
And maybe then, we’ll understand him. Maybe we just need to feel him first. Maybe we just need to open up our hearts and let him in. Maybe loving God is the real love we’re all seeking but we’ve been searching for it in people and that’s why we can’t trust love. Maybe when we trust God, we’ll never really experience another heartbreak. Maybe that’s how he heals us.