1. Cropping your significant other out.
It was actually an article in The Cut about this precise breakup method that inspired me to write this uplifting list. For Mr. @cjkarl11 (his Instagram handle), a simple “I’d like to see other people” just didn’t seem to cut it. It appears he was on the hunt for a more potent, in-your-face dumping technique as the ol’ Instagram crop-out was the method he eventually decided on. Frankly, I’d sooner let my boyfriend singe “DUMPED” on my forehead than stand for an Instagram crop-out.
A pro-tip: if you do decide to take this path, take @cjkarl11’s lead and go for the diptych, as the contrast really drives the point home. This is us before, the diptych seems to convey, Now. Scan your eyes to the right, and this is what I’d like the current state of our relationship to be. Note: your absence.
2. Sending your friends to do the dirty work.
This one’s an oldie but a goodie. I say oldie because it happened to me back in 2004. ‘Twas a fine year, 2004, when eating disorders were just beginning to gain some traction and Janet Jackson’s nipple emerged bedecked in armor. And so it was no better time for my 9th grade boyfriend to send his friend’s over to my friend’s house (where I was), and have them break up with me…for him. I know what you’re thinking. Incredulous, right? I was too. Good news is, this guy is now gay.
3. A Facebook breakup.
What’s a relationship without some Facebook validity, am I right? The answer to that would be a half-hearted one. Amongst all the joke relationships on Facebook — between two best girl friends, say, or a straight girl and her gay best friend — I bet it feels nice to be one of the few legitimate Facebook relationships out there. But beware of the power of a Facebook relationship, for a Facebook breakup is ten times more detrimental than a consummated Facebook relationship is gratifying. There’s nothing quite like Facebook intervening on behalf of your cowardly significant other. Nothing quite like receiving an email from “the team” (by which I mean the godforsaken Facebook team) that reads, “Dear Rachel: Danny has ended his relationship with you.”
4. A breakup via hashtag.
I do love my Internet fame, but not if it’s going to secure me a hashtag with my name in it that reads anything like this: #RachelWeAreOver. And I wish I were over-exaggerating with this one, but unfortunately I’m not. The same young fellow who broke up with his girlfriend à la Instagram croppage also made certain that his lucky lady wouldn’t misinterpret the whole breakup by topping it off with a hashtag dedicated to her and the sweet season of broken hearts: #TransformationTuesday.
Detailing these breakup methods is a cathartic and eye-opening experience; in fact, as I’m writing this right now, the whole post-it breakup is beginning to look more and more preferable. It actually looks kind of sweet in light of all of these passive-aggressive hashtag approaches. Call me crazy, but I think being broken up with on a post-it is the closest any of us will ever come to receiving a handwritten letter.
5. A birthday breakup.
So your birthday is coming up and your boyfriend keeps vaguely referring to the surprise he has in store for you. I can’t wait to see the look on your face — you don’t have a clue what’s coming! And perhaps he’s right, for when you open up his card it reads “Our future, inside this box” and then, when you rip open the box, you discover that it’s empty. Confused, you look up for some sort of explanation, but by this point your man has long-since skedaddled.
6. The passive slow-fade.
Wherein nothing is ever said outright, but rather strongly insinuated through your significant other’s unconcealed avoidance of you. I call this the slow-fade because that is the sole intention of your callous significant other: to gradually, but efficiently, fade you our of his or her life. And doesn’t it feel good?
7. The cheat-and-bye: a classic.
It’s not an easy thing to confront your significant other about your suspicions that he or she is not remaining faithful to you. Already that’s a pretty far leap out of anyone’s comfort zone. But to make the already-dire situation irreversibly worse, you would have to be dumped immediately following this brave confrontation.
So if you do happen to be cheating on your significant other and he or she confronts you about it, the least you could do is give him or her the opportunity to end it with you first. You owe your significant other that — at the very least.
8. The ol’ I-never-loved-you-and-now-I’m-going-to-kill-you approach.
If only Carrie Bradshaw could have seen the last episode of Game of Thrones after Berger broke up with her on a post-it, then maybe she might not have fallen into such despair. Because when I watched Petyr epically dump his wife Lysa, all I could think was: Damn ma, that is NOT a fun way to go out. Lysa was especially vulnerable amidst her immense jealousy of Sansa and then being caught torturing Sansa by Petyr. And Petyr is no fool; he took this opportunity to snub his wife in what is quite possibly the worst fathomable way to get dumped, ever. “I have only loved one woman, only one, my entire life…” he said, looking deep into Lysa’s eyes, “…your sister,” and then flung her right through the moon door. Done. Over. Bai.
9. The blackout breakup.
On the surface, this does seem ideal: if you’re broken up with while blackout, then you’ll presumably remember very little of the breakup and will thus have few (if any) heart-shattering memories to harp on. But when put into action, it’s typically not carried out as smoothly. Instead, you’ll just essentially be dumped twice, and on top of a crippling hangover too. You’ll wake up feeling like a saggy, shriveled-up scrotum; you’ll wake up sad, with a large pit in your stomach, though not entirely clear as to why. Then you’ll call your significant other and, as they break up with you a second time, flashbacks from the previous night’s first go-around will start to surface. All in all, sounds like a nice little Sunday.