1. Going shopping.
If you buy everything at full price of have ever wondered how people get designer clothes at a discounted price, then you’re a flawed shopper. Granted, it takes more effort to sift through endless clothes at Beacon’s Closet or Buffalo Exchange, but it’s worth it. And then you also have the option to do this from your bed, on eBay, Etsy, and other online vintage shops that I’d prefer not to disclose.
2. Reacting to troll-y articles.
If you happen upon an article with an absurdly offensive headline, or brutally insulting content, know that this is click bait. If the article in question riles you up, then you’re only validating its power and sway. The best thing you can do in these situations is NOT to write a response piece — that’ll just ultimately bring more traffic to the original article — but to ignore it entirely. Even I can’t exclude myself from this one.
Emojis should always be peripheral, collateral; in other words, if you were to excise an emoji from a sentence or a text, the sentence should still be complete. Of course there’s no edict or law that enforces this; it’s just a general rule we should all uphold lest we want literature and celebrated writing to be devoured by our infatuation with technology. And yet, there’s nary a person out there who observes this. People everywhere are substituting meaningful, weighty words or phrases with emojis. A case in point (and mentioned previously): someone recently texted a friend of mine “I think I’m falling in [heart emoji].” Also, emojis should never be made into jewelry. If you’re wearing a smiley face ring, you’re doing it wrong: end of story.
4. Holding a bag.
It’s weird; um, I know I gave you all 11 ways to wear a bag (according to fashion). I’m certain I handed it to you on a silver platter much like the way one should hold a Moschino bag. So I’m flummoxed as to why I’m still seeing people walk down the street carrying their bags across their bodies or letting them hang from their forearm. Why do this when you have a plethora of other, far superior options? You’ve got the “one-shoulder backpack” style, the “necklace” style, the “grasping-the-chain” style, the “holding the backpack straps” style, the “IDGAF” style, the “on a silver tray” style, the “lady-holding-a-tote” style, the “sideways at-the-hip” style, the “close-to-my-heart” style, the “my-bag-is-heavy-so-I-have-to-prop-it-up” style, and the “taxiiiiiii!!” style. Choose one and stick with it.
5. Standing straight.
I’m not sure if you read my lifestyle blog, but I’m a Pilates freak. Ok so I lied; I have no such lifestyle blog. In fact, I wasn’t even the first person to say that — it was Zach Galifianakis and for some reason when I say it, it sounds less funny. Probably because he was kidding and I’m not. Moving on…Going to Pilates — and let’s be clear: this is Pilates on the reformer and cadillac — will reveal a laundry list of things you’re doing wrong with your body. Like your ribs? They’re probably sticking out more than they should. Same goes for your sternum. And your hips are most likely unaligned. Also, your knees should always be hip-width apart when doing crunches, pelvic lifts, or what have you. You should think of your spine as beginning at the top of your head and ending at the base of your tailbone; think of stacking each vertebrae and bone, one on top of the other.
6. A bun.
If your hair is twisted into a bun and this bun wasn’t made by Chase Kusero — the king of ombré and the brains behind Jared Leto’s man bun — then you’re doing it wrong. Seriously, just turn around and go home because you’ve already lost. That’s all.
7. Washing your face.
Isabelle Bellis, a facialist based in NYC, said on Into The Gloss that no matter the product you use, the application will make worlds of a difference. She also said to treat your skin like silk. Below, a brief summary of her tips on how to wash your face correctly:
- First thing’s first: buy thermal water. Don’t ask; just do it. Then spray your face with it.
- Apply face wash and rub it on your face in a rapid action.
- “Don’t penetrate the product, the purpose is to clean the face.”
- For the love of God, don’t forget your neck. Wash it in an upwards motion — against gravity — to help stay a drooping, wrinkly neck.
- Bellis uses what she calls a “swimming” method to wash her face: fluid, circular, swimming-like motions around the eyes with your fingers.
- Rinse with tepid water.
- To dry: either dab with a towel (“you don’t rub”) or lay a tissue over your face.
- Finish with toner, and another spritz of thermal spray for good luck.
8. Platform sneakers.
Noooooooooooooooooooo. Just. No.
9. A plank
I’m going to go ahead and take a wild guess that your planks don’t look as effortless and perfect as this:
And I think I’d be right to assume that. Planks could be the modern-day guillotine — they’re torture. To make them more bearable, focus on supporting your lower back with your abs and think of energy shooting out of your body in opposite directions — from your head and feet.
10. Taking a bath.
Apparently, Liv Tyler uses a full 4lb box of Epsom Salts for each bath she takes. Other good products to add to your bath are coconut oil and other essential oils. The end result should look something like this:
If it doesn’t, you lost.
11. Focusing on what matters.
So…selfie-related deaths, hmmm? Well I’ll be damned if I said that isn’t a proud, martyr-like way to go out. But…I don’t know…just incase the importance of a selfie begins to wane, it might be best if we don’t take them too seriously. Here, let me put it differently: there are things in life that matter…and then there’s your Instagram profile picture, which is barely the size of the nail on your pinky toe. Think about it.
You probably applaud yourself every morning when you add a dollop of nutella to your smoothie, spread it on an english muffin, or add it to a banana Fluffernutter, huh? Well unless you’re taking that dish into bed with you, you may as well give up — you’ve already lost. Nutella is not nutella unless it’s nestled safely with you between your sheets. Bonus points if it gets on your pillowcase. And for those who were wondering: yes, this is a shameless book plug. Buy my book.