1. Yoko Ono.
Thank God Yoko Ono is 80 years old, because if she was in her 20s she would be every young woman’s worst nightmare. Yoko was kind of the ultimate home-wrecker. Of course John Lennon could be blamed for all that she was blamed for, but his image has always been too impenetrable to tarnish.
Yoko and Lennon met through their mutual passion for art. At the time, Lennon was still married to Cynthia Powell and the first time Yoko visited Lennon in 1968 was while Cynthia was away in Greece. Apparently, Cynthia returned home to find Yoko in HER bathrobe, drinking tea with Lennon, who allegedly muttered nothing else but “Oh, hi.”
Once Cynthia was fully out of the picture, Yoko and Lennon were practically inseparable—a fact that hampered the progress of The Beatles, who reportedly operated under an unspoken agreement that no wives or girlfriends are allowed in the studio. And yet, Yoko continued to rear her little head, even going so far as to comment and make suggestions on their recordings. It’s been argued by many that Yoko caused (or at least had a hand in) the downfall of The Beatles, which would make her a bad girlfriend not only to Lennon, but to every other human in the world.
2. Kristen Stewart.
K-Stew is kind of a bitch. To be dating the most-loved actor in America, only to cheat on him with a married man, was a bit of a “fuck-you” to women everywhere under the age of 27. While filing Snow White And The Huntsman, Kristen was caught cheating on Pattinson with her Snow White director Rupert Sanders—a married man with two kids.
According to US Magazine, Pattinson was “really depressed” and was at a lost of what to do.
Cleopatra was pharaoh of Ancient Egypt and during her rule consummated a relationship with Julius Caesar. Mark Antony, a close ally of Caesar’s, was one of three men who took power with Cleopatra after Caesar’s assassination. Eventually Cleopatra and Antony married, doubtless a slight to the late Caesar. Antony wasn’t the greatest husband, going off with different women on various occasions, but he ultimately came back to Cleopatra. Yet upon his return, Cleopatra apparently hid in her own burial tomb, afraid for her life (Antony had accused her of betraying him), leading Antony to believe she was dead and killed himself as a result.
4. Marie Antoinette.
Though her husband Louis XVI was doubtless an unfaithful partner, given the era they lived in Marie Antoinette’s disloyalty to her husband was supremely less tolerated. And in addition, Marie spent nearly all of France’s money to maintain her overly lavish lifestyle.
In 1774, before she was Queen, Marie met a Swedish soldier named Hans Axe Fersen—a man she allegedly continued to keep in touch with for many years. During her and Louis’ rule, Louis bought her a house called Le Petit Trianon. It’s reported that louis never once slept there, but that Fersen came on myriad occasions. Fersen was also apparently monumental in at least trying to help Marie and her family escape from prison.
Apparently in a letter Fersen wrote to his sister, he “explained that he would never marry because the woman he loved was taken.”
5. Emma Roberts.
Emma and her boyfriend (and American Horror Story: Coven co-star) Evan Peters are apparently engaged now, but that doesn’t erase the physical altercation they reportedly got into this past July. Amid reports that, when the cops showed up, Peters had a bloody nose and bite marks, Roberts sounds like kind of a nightmare.
6. Sahel Kazemi.
Sahel Kazemi was the charming girlfriend of NFL quarterback Steve McNair. McNair was married at the time, so it’s rather odd that Kazemi was at all surprised to here that he had yet another girlfriend in addition to her. But apparently she was surprised, as it compelled her to shoot him four times in his sleep, killing him, and then killing herself immediately after. Confirming her skewed, Romeo-and-Juliet notion of reality, reports claim that she “tried to stage it so she would fall in his lap.”
7. Vanessa Laine.
It was just assumed, after Kobe Bryant was convicted of rape, that his wife was the perennial victim. However, after much time has gone by, a conflicting image has begun to emerge. The way she spoke of her collection of handbags to New York Magazine suggested a lady with true and bona fide gold digger intentions. She said,
“I’m not really a handbag person anymore…I’ve collected Birkin bags, Chanel 2.55 jump flap bags, and the Marc Jacobs Stephen Sprouse collection for Louis Vuitton since I was a teenager. But now, as they say, everyone and their mom is buying a Birkin or a regular size 2.55 in black, taupe, or beige. I’ve been sticking to a magenta suede Proenza Schouler bag.”
She’s divorcing Kobe now, after fully cashing out, but not before making this naive and outrageous statement about Kobe’s career,
“I certainly would not want to be married to somebody that cant win championships. If you’re sacrificing time away from my family and myself for the benefit of winning championships, then winning a championship should happen every single year.”
8. Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes.
I hate to speak ill of the dead, and Left Eye was always my favorite of the TLC trio, but she also seemed like a bit of a wackjob for a girlfriend. She did have many legitimate explanations—growing up in an abusive household and being abused by her boyfriend—but then she went all bat-shit-pyro on us and burned down the house she shared with her boyfriend Andre Rison. And yet, to this day, I’d still take a crazy Left Eye over any man.
9. Taylor Swift.
Kissing-and-telling is never really a redeeming trait in a girlfriend, especially if “telling” involves announcing it to the whole world. But even on top of that, T-Swift seems like an over-possessive and highly-encroaching girlfriend. While she was dating Conor Kennedy in 2012, she reportedly bought a house right next to his family’s compound in Hyannis Port, Massachusetts—a pretty un-chill move if you ask me. But it was made even more un-chill when it surfaced that the real reason behind buying this house wasn’t to be closer to Conor, but to be closer to Conor’s grandma. Because…naturally.
10. Tila Tequila.
While the mere name Tila Tequila obviously oozes class, the real Ms. Tequila oddly does not. One can’t imagine she’d be a solid girlfriend given her repertoire of insane stunts, including dressing up as a Nazi while defending Hitler and claiming Paul Walker was murdered. But then we also have more substantial proof. During 2010 she began a “serious” relationship with billionaire heiress Casey Johnson, who only died only a couple weeks after. And it’s reported by a Gary Sun (an ex of Tequila) that Tequila had a hand in Casey’s death. Gary said, “Part of the reason why Tila is trying so hard to have me silenced, jailed, or killed, is because we now know she was responsible for Casey Johnson’s death.” He went on to say that Tila “slipped Casey some pills, possibly OxyContin. Casey immediately began foaming at the mouth and seizing up, and because of the illegal medications, Tila fled the scene.”
11. Giovanna Plowman.
You know, the girl who pulled out her tampon and then sucked on it on camera. (A link to the video of the deed if you’re looking to cry today) She married the guy who eats his own poop, who would incidentally also be on this list if it wasn’t for girls only. So, Giovanna Plowman, welcome, you’re officially one of the X worst girlfriends in history. I tip my hat to you.
12. Aileen Wuornos.
The woman’s entire childhood was just a succession of countless, relentless nightmares. Studying it, one can easily trace how she became a serial killer. Yet despite this, she still made for a pretty shitty girlfriend; she did, after all, kill practically every man she had sex with.
13. Zelda Fitzgerald.
Zelda Fitzgerald’s mental capacity has been up for debate for decades now. It’s not entirely clear what she suffered from, though we know that she endured explicit bouts of depression. She was also generally anomalous for her time. She once wrote in her journal,
“I ride boys’ motorcycles, chew gum, smoke in public, dance cheek to cheek, drink corn liquor and gin. I was the first to bob my hair and I sneak out at midnight to swim in the moonlight with boys at Catoma Creek and then show up at breakfast as though nothing had happened.”
It’s been argued that she was bipolar because she displayed manic tendencies as well. Despite not knowing the exact illness or ailment she suffered from, there’s still much evidence that suggests she wasn’t the easiest partner for Scott, who once wrote to Zelda’s doctor,
“Zelda’s spending sprees, her ‘passionate love life’ and intense social relationships, her melancholic response to disappointment and the relatively late onset of her illness (she was born in 1900) point toward a mood disorder, as does the alternation between frank psychosis and a sparkling, provocative personality.”
Ultimately, Zelda was hospitalized on more than one occasion, and after Scott died, spent the remainder of her life there.
14. Betty Friedan.
Given the nature of her success—famous for her revolutionary book on feminism The Feminine Mystique—it seems likely that she wouldn’t be the most agreeable, complicit wife or girlfriend, something men no doubt looked for in women in the 60s. But again, that’s no reason to label her as one of the worst girlfriends. No, this claim stems more from the picture she painted of her husband, Carl Friedan. In her memoir Life So Far (2000), she wrote that Carl was an abusive husband—a clear fabrication given what she said later on in an interview with Good Morning America,
“I almost wish I hadn’t even written about it, because it’s been sensationalized out of context. My husband was not a wife-beater, and I was no passive victim of a wife-beater. We fought a lot, and he was bigger than me.”
15. Belle Guinness.
Belle Guinness (1859-1908) was a Norwegian-American serial killer with a ruthless agenda. She moved to America in 1881, where she began her killing spree. She would lure men in with advertisements, only to rob them of all they were worth and dispose of their bodies. (She was a strong woman and weighed around 200 lbs.)
In one ad that appeared in the Chicago Daily Papers, she wrote,
“Personal — comely widow who owns a large farm in one of the finest districts in La Porte County, Indiana, desires to make the acquaintance of a gentleman equally well provided, with view of joining fortunes. No replies by letter considered unless sender is willing to follow answer with personal visit. Triflers need not apply.”
16. Kris Jenner.
In her first marriage to Robert Kardashian, Kris has admitted to cheating on him with former soccer player and animator Todd Waterman. What’s less known is the affair she also apparently had with O.J. Simpson—some have even gone so far as to argue that O.J. is Khloe’s biological father. Then, only a month after Kris and Robert divorced, Kris married Bruce Jenner—a fact that also makes it hard to believe she wasn’t cheating on Robert with Bruce too. And now, after over 20 years with Bruce, bossing him around and controlling his every move, Bruce has finally took a stance against the all-encompassing force that is Kris, and moved out.
17. Gwyneth Paltrow.
I cant imagine Gwyneth is an easy-going, fun gal to have around—the woman subsists solely on a macrobiotic diet. But then there are the rumors that recently surfaced that Gwyneth had an affair with Elle Macpherson’s new husband, Fontainebleau hotel owner Jeff Soffer. The rumors have emerged in light of an exposé that Vanity Fair has announced they’ll be publishing about Gwyneth.
It’s reported that Jeff flew Gwyneth to Miami for the opening of his Fontainebleau hotel, where she stayed in his mansion nearby. Apparently the two scarcely went out in public, and when they did attend parties together, they were often seen holding hands.
18. Heidi Klum.
The proof of Heidi’s shittiness is in the pudding. After her and Seal’s divorce, Seal said, “Whilst I didn’t expect anything better from him [the bodyguard], I would of thought that Heidi would have shown a little more class and at least waited until we separated first before deciding to fornicate with the help, as it were.”
19. Lorena Bobbitt.
And finally, Lorena. Ms. Bobbit. Ms. Bobby balls, because balls were the only thing left after she was through with her husband John Wayne Bobbitt. In case any of you forgot, she chopped off his penis. In his sleep. Like a G. And will forever go down in history because of it.