It’s not you.
I know you’ve been told many times that it is your fault. After all, if he was happy and content, he wouldn’t have had the need to look elsewhere. Some people made you believe you are lacking, that you need to change, that who you are is not good enough.
Maybe they have good intentions, and they want you to focus on the solution rather than the problem. Maybe they are being realistic. After all, even you agree, it is easier to change you than to change him. What they do not know is what that’s done to you.
You wake up every morning thinking how you can be everything he needs and wants. You worry that you are not enough, NO, you have CONVINCED yourself you’re not enough. You have become them.
And even while you’re giving it your all to try and “improve” yourself, you still doubt if you’ll ever be good enough, that there will be another woman in the mix pretty soon if you don’t act fast. Suddenly the only finger that points at you is your own. The voice inside your head is getting louder and louder, nagging you day and night.
You are exhausted. Being a “better version” of yourself is consuming every ounce of energy in you. You are disillusioned. You have come to dislike yourself. Or maybe, you do not recognize yourself anymore. Let me share my unsolicited thoughts.
There is nothing wrong with change. If there are areas that need change, then go for it! If there are parts of you that need tweaking, go ahead. In the end, the only one who’s benefitting from the overhaul is you. It is only in vain, when you want to change the things that don’t need changing. When the person who emerges after all these is not you anymore. When you lose yourself in the process. You know why? Because it is not you. IT WAS NEVER YOU. It is him.
It may be simple. Some people just need the diversion, the excitement. He is constantly bored no matter who he’s with. He basks in flattery, craves for something different. You know why? Because it is complex. Something in his past has made him insecure, or rejected, or unloved. Some mistakes in his past made him feel that he is not good enough. A past that he just can’t put behind him. Maybe it hurts so much he allows himself to lose control, let his demons loose every so often to numb the pain.
Don’t get me wrong. This is not, in any way, intended to justify his behavior, but instead to make you see, IT IS NOT YOU. It happens to the best of us, and it was not something you could’ve prevented. It was beyond your control.
What you can control is how your story ends. Do you want to stay by him, help him fight his battles until he realizes he is good enough? Good for you. Is your love strong enough? If not, then you can walk away. You have the prerogative to turn your back on something, or someone, that’s making you doubt your worth, love yourself less. You call the shots. It’s your life.
No matter which path you take, always know, you do not have to torment yourself any longer by thinking it’s you. It’s not you.